The Reassuring Light

I placed a hand on my chest as I looked out of the bay window. There was a light that shone brightly, and I couldn't help but feel connected to its magnetic pull. What was it about this light that took away my anxiety, fear, and worries? Before I knew it, I was no longer in the structure I called home. I was standing in a tropical rainforest, as though I had floated on a cloud to get out of its confinement.

There was a translucent waterfall and different animals of all types. I heard the faint laughter of a little girl in the distance, and quickly the light seemed to be headed in the direction of the laughter. I began to feel a bit of anxiety and panic emerge, but just as soon as I felt the tension, the light shone much brighter, and I felt like I was in a place of solace.

Not wanting to be left alone in the dark rainforest, I followed the light inquisitively, but not without some apprehension. The walk towards the laughter was quite long. It seemed like I was walking for hours, but the bright light kept me moving. Eventually, the light came to a halt, and I could see a girl that had to be no more than five years old. She was exquisite, with a head full of curly hair that went to her ankles. She had hazel eyes and deep brown skin. She was so beautiful she didn't look real.

When she looked up at me, it was as if she felt bad for me. Like she knew that something was not right. She lifted her small delicate hand and reached out to touch my own. When our hands connected, it was as if a spark of electricity had been created, making a loud vibration. The ground beneath us began to shake like that of an earthquake, and before I knew it, the light had dissipated, and the little girl was gone. I heard a loud and terrifying ringing resonating throughout the rainforest.

Without the comfort of the light, I felt the anxiety, the fear, and the worry all come back to me. But the ringing would not stop, as if it would never come to an end. Before I knew it, I felt dizzy, I began to sway, and suddenly I was in a state of unconsciousness, nothing but pitch black surrounding me.

***

I woke up to my alarm clock going off and covered in a pool of sweat. Why my alarm clock was going off at three in the morning was very bizarre to me. I had had lucid dreams for the past month, and it was beginning to concern me. For the past month, my anxiety had worsened, and a constant fear that something just wasn't right kept creeping excessively into my mind. What was off? What could be going wrong? I thought to myself.

As I lay in the bed at 3 am in the morning, unable to fall back asleep, I decided to go take a long hot shower to distract me from the uneasy feeling. Once I was in the shower, I tried to focus on my breathing. Releasing any negative energy and thoughts that wanted to coexist in my mind.

I allowed the hot steamy water to wash over me until I had used it all up. When I got back to my bedroom, I oiled my body, put on a fresh pair of clothing, and crawled back into bed. I was exhausted, but I was still unsettled. For the longest time, I was not entirely content with my life. Like something was missing. Like there was a missing piece to a puzzle I desperately wanted to figure out.

Since I could not doze off to sleep, I checked my phone. I had a few missed calls from an unknown number when I looked. I didn't overthink it, that is, until I checked my voicemails. When I listened to the first voicemail, it was silent at first, but then I heard frantic breathing and a loud piercing ringing that seemed never-ending. I quickly hung the phone up, chills running down my spine.

"Andrea, are you okay in there?" I heard my mother call out from the other side of the door.

"Um, yes, just having some trouble sleeping."

After I said that, my mother gently opened the door. Looking around the darkroom until she spotted me.

"Is it okay if I come in? "She asked

I really didn't feel like my mother coming into the room. I felt uneasy, and being in my solitude was the only thing I wanted that early in the morning. I was a teenage girl struggling to love who I was. My low self-esteem was something that was eating away at me, and I felt like it was ruining my life.

I wanted to have the confidence I saw women have on social media. I was the shy, awkward girl that no one talked to. I watched my younger sister grow past me in so many ways. She was the outspoken one. She could command attention and was not afraid to speak her truth. I desperately wanted that for myself because I was suffocating in this thing called life.

"Sure," I said anyway, knowing that she would still come in even if I said no.

"Andrea, are you okay?" She asked, with a hint of concern in her groggy voice

"Just another nightmare." I sighed, not really wanting to go into details about the mysterious call.

"What was it about? You know you can talk to me about whatever it is, right? "

"Yes, mom, I do. It's just I don't know how to."

"What do you mean? Just say what is on your mind. I am your mother. Why can't you just feel comfortable talking to me? We have been through this, Andrea. I am not a monster. I won't bite'' she said

"What is really going on with you? I am very concerned. You have been acting as though I am a stranger, and all of us in this family are strangers to you. You aren't the energetic, bubbly girl you used to be as a kid. I try to understand, but you leave me with no answers or understanding. "How is it that I can help you if you don't talk about it?" She asked

"I-I don't know," I answered.

"Well, when you are ready to talk, I will be here." She said, and after that, she got up, left the room, and shut the door without another word.

I couldn't help this strong feeling of shame and guilt. What was wrong with me, I didn't have all the answers, but my family made me feel like I was the problem. I wanted to be free from what seemed to be a curse.

My shyness. My lack of confidence.

Later that day, my parents, sister, and I went to a family cookout at my aunt Tiffany and Uncle Robert's home. I, of course, didn't want to go. I felt bad about the dreams and how my mother talked to me earlier that morning. My extended family was full of life and knew how to have a good time.

While we were there, they had the music blasting, and family members were playing card games and socializing. For the majority of the time I sat with my sister Eliza who paid no attention to me, while she was busy texting away on her phone.

After awhile I needed to use the restroom and take some time for myself. So, I left my sister who did not even notice I had gone.

As I was on my way to the restroom, I overheard my mother talking to a few of my aunts in the kitchen, across the hall from the bathroom.

"You know, Andrea hardly talks to anyone. She doesn't have any friends, and it is very concerning to me." She spoke

"Hmm, well, you know we come from a family that says what we feel and what is on our mind. But just give her some time. She may grow out of it." My aunt Tiffany said

"You know, all I ask is that she communicates with us more, at least like her sister. We have never had these problems with Eliza, but Andrea just stays in her room, locked up like she is in prison. I want her to be able to talk to us.'" My mother explained

I felt so bad about what I overheard my mother saying. I began to feel tears welling up in my eyes. I wanted to scream. I wanted to get as far away from everyone as possible. Was I that much of an outcast? I felt like I had no one that understood me. I felt alone in a home filled with people having a good time.

Suddenly, I began to hear a faint ringing in my ears. I felt uneasy and like I was about to vomit up everything I forced down earlier that evening.

My vision began to get blurry, but I saw a little girl in the corner of my eye.

She looked like the same girl I saw in my dream. The one I had been having for months. I felt the anxiety and fear all come back to me, and I began to panic. But then I saw that same reassuring light. It was in the distance, and I began to follow it.

I heard the girl laughing again, and I continued to follow the light. Like before, it seemed like I was walking for hours. I finally spotted the young girl who was in one of the bedrooms of the house. Strangely the dark room she stood in looked like my exact bedroom from when I was a child.

She stopped laughing once I saw her again, then she touched my hand. Once our hands connected this time, a spark of light shined throughout the entire room.

I looked at her as the light shined and realized that she was my younger self. She had the same hazel eyes like mine, long curly hair, and deep brown skin as mine. I gasped, but then she squeezed my hand gently.

"Look into the light." She spoke

I listened to her, and as she squeezed my hand gently, I began to have a vision. Here I was, my present self-standing with my younger self, and now in the distance, I could see a vision of my future self.

I was talking. I was giving a speech. I spoke so eloquently and vibrantly. The crowd was captivated by my words. They clapped and laughed at the things that I said. Most of all, it seemed as if this audience could relate to everything I was saying.

I was speaking words of wisdom, and it seemed as though some of the audience members were crying as I gave my speech.

"I had to realize that I, Andrea Sophia Johnson, am not like everyone else." I looked at my future self as she spoke to the crowd

"I now realize that we are all different and, one cannot live their life trying to fit into the norms of society. We are all made to be different. What is life if everyone were the same?" My future self spoke

"If we were all loud, none of us would ever get a word in, but if some people take the time to listen, we could all come to an understanding. We are made to balance each other out. I stand before all of you here to say. You are not alone; your mental health is important, and we can get through this thing called life together. That is if we take the time to understand."

I happened to see my whole family in the crowd as I spoke, and my mother smiled a bright smile.

I then saw another vision of me. I was in therapy; I was talking about my anxiety -something I dared not tell my parents about before. I was getting help. I was getting the very help that I was too embarrassed to talk to my mom about.

"Andrea?" I heard my mom call from behind me. Are you okay?

 Suddenly I realized that I was no longer in the room with the little girl or my younger self. I was standing in the kitchen where my mother talked to my aunts earlier.

"Yes, mom, I am fine."

She looked at me intently.

"Really, honey, I just want you to know I really love you, and I am just scared when I see you go through these cycles.

I looked at her for a moment. Then said

"Mom, I think I am ready. I am ready to talk."

Later that evening, when we got back home, I finally talked to my mother about my anxiety. I talked about how my anxiety made me feel trapped. How it made me feel like I was suffocating. And I also explained to her how she made me feel with some of the ways she approached the situation in the past. I was nervous to tell this to my mother, but she looked at me with comforting eyes. She understood to my surprise.

Honey, I am so sorry." She said, "I didn't know this was what you were going through, but I promise you will get through this. We are going to get you the help you need. Andrea, you are stronger than you think." She smiled

At that moment, once she said that I saw the magnetic light shine outside my window again. My anxiety had dissipated. I felt the comfort of the reassuring light.

I looked at her and smiled.

"I Know."