Well That Was Dramatic

I can’t do it. It’s not possible. How could I think that I would even be good enough to do this?! I am not someone who steps out on a limb, tries something new. I hate stepping out of my comfort zone if I’m not prepared. I have always wanted to do it, it has been a dream of mine but something is always getting in the way, stopping me from taking the first step. I’m not ready, I’m not equipped, and I always have things I need to get done before I can even start to do that. So am I just distracted? Why would anyone be interested in me? What if it’s awful? What if I do it and it turns out to be this huge disappointment and I feel foolish that I did it or worse, I am met with patronized comments, “well at least you tried, you gave it a shot.” Is it fear? I am so good at giving advice, offering encouragement, validation, and support. Then why don’t I take my own advice? Why don’t I just give it a try? What’s the worst that can happen? I won’t die. No one will know what I did it if I don’t tell anyone. It can be my secret. The only people who will know are strangers, people who don’t know me, don’t know that this is something I have always wanted to accomplish in my life. They won’t know how insecure I can be, how it can be hard to “just do it!”

Oh my GOD!!!!! Why do I have so many doubts? What am I so scared of? It’s here, it’s now. Move it or lose it. WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOSE? Nothing! Absolutely nothing. I am expressive, creative and love doing this, but what is holding me back? Nothing! Absolutely nothing. Except me, I am holding myself back. The voices in my head are stacking blocks to create that wall of protection. What do I need to be protected from? Anxiety. Being told that I am not good enough, that I don’t have what it takes, that I should try something else. There is nothing else, there is this, an opportunity to prove to myself that I can do it. I can let others see what I am capable of and take their criticism, whether good or bad and what’s important, to learn from it. Isn’t that what life is all about. Taking chances, making that leap of faith. Because let’s face it, if I don’t believe in myself, why should I expect anyone else to. Right?!

Well…it looks good in black and white. I need to free myself. I want to stop obsessing about being ready, whether it is the right time, whether I have the right materials and most importantly, I need to change my thinking. If I don’t have what it takes right this minute, well so be it. It is a road I can travel on to eventually meet my destination.

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.” This will be my first time. Something about this made it seem like the right time. Take the plunge. I have something inside me that is valuable. I learn from others, so maybe someone can learn from me. Perhaps I can encourage someone to do what they have always wanted to do. I could inspire someone to jump for it. This won’t be the end unless I allow it to be. I work in a field where people feel scared, hopeless, and defeated. When they come to me, they feel like it is the end or very close to it and they believe that they don’t have the strength to keep going. They were told that no one would be there for them, no one will believe them or help them. It is beat into their heads that no one cares about them, but I do. I care. I am here to listen and to help them as much as I can. I will be present and give them the respect that they deserve. So it comes down to this moment that I feel like if I don’t do this then I am being a hypocrite. I can do this. I will do this.

There is no reason to make this into a mountain when it is just a tiny hill with nothing in my way. My aim should not be to make this bigger that it should be. Instead, my intention is to just go for it, give it a try and see where it goes. Push myself to the cliff, look over the edge and jump. Where do I land, I don’t know but it will be exhilarating. I feel myself smiling inside, the butterflies that flutter around in my stomach, and the anxiousness I feel when I am uncomfortable, worried, scared, or super excited. I have come this far, farther than I thought when I first read the email. I am not sure what pushed me to do this now, at this moment, with this prompt, but I did it, and you know what…I think I did okay. You know what, I think I did better than okay, I gave it a shot and whether I win or not, I know that I can do it as long as I put my mind to it and give it my best and create what I create.

So with all this said and done, the back and forth, the ups and downs, I did it. I actual wrote something that I am going to enter into a writing contest. Something that just poured out of my head, onto my fingers that stroked the letters of a keyboard and showed up on the screen, in black and white. I am proud of myself. I’m simply delighted that I did it, almost giddy. But now comes the hard part, to submit or not submit, that is the question. Oh what a silly, silly girl I am. Of course I am going to submit it, I have come this far haven’t I?

My hand wavers over the ENTER button on the keyboard. I can do this. I really can. But most of all, I want to. I want to be able to say that I did it. This is my first step in becoming a writer, officially at least. So here it goes, it’s now or never.

Done! I did it. I can’t believe that I did it! WOW! Well that was Dramatic!!!