Challenges of Love

14 February 2022

I sat again in my bedroom, holding a bouquet of red roses and his note. 

“Happy Valentine. Do you want to be my valentine this year?

I hope so. I’ve been in volunteering progam last semester, but I didn’t miss your graduation.

I saw you with your family. I hope that you will introduce me to them, one day. I realize what I miss these day. In my time in Africa, voluntering, every kindness remind me of you. Every difficultness remind me of your smile. And I realize, I lost it and I miss it. 

The same question, I’ve been asked to you and hope you can answer but I do not want to rush it. Could we start over? I’ll be waiting in the restaurant we used to dine. - Eric”

My friend, Bianca also read the notes with me. “Oh my god, how romantic Anne, he’s been doing this of two years. I think he isreally has genuine feeling to you. He came to your graduation. I remember you searched for him and everytime the ballroom door opened, you wait for him.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Denied as you can, but your heart will eventually reason with your brain.” and then Bianca left my room and gave me a dagger to stab my heart.

“Bianca, is not that simple.” I whispered to my mind.

I stand and open my drawer to put his note in the box.the box that already full with his other notes. This is the second year of his repent times, I call it. He doesn’t miss to send me flowers and note in every occasion and he always left me with the same question “Could we start over?”

The question that I already answered and yet he didn’t want to accept. His lingering feeling keep dragging me to the rendezvous of memory lane.

But is it just his lingering feelings? Or mine was in it too?

I shake the thoughts and lay in my bed. And everytime he sent these flowers. It always bring me to that day. The reason why we can’t start over again.

20 July 2020

Anne remember the first time Eric approached her. Asian man with blue eyes, strange feeling from the first time he ask “Do you want to get out of this room?”

That it was impossible to be happen to Anne. No boys every asked her to date. Yes, she was a a wallflower. She is not ugly and yet not beautiful. She is not clever but not a fool. She is mediocre.But she new to this and not prepare when she received more.

Anne was in the middle of a class where Bianca asked her to be her substitute while she was in Hawai with her boyfriend. The thing is, Bianca is a medical student and I am a management student, I don't even know what language is the lecture used because I don’t even understand any word came from him.

But this blue eyes man spotted me like he was finding his team mate, like we are the same kind.

“I spotted you were not belong to here either.” he said

I smiled,”You too?” thinking that probably he had the same situation with me

“Eric.”he said and extending his hand to me

“Anne” I whispered.

“I’ll wait you outside the class.”he said.

Do I want to go outside? Anne asked herself. 

But thats the first time this chance came to her.

And she did what she was not supposed to do.

She want to know more about that blue eyes man.

The memories snapped back to that night, when Anne felt Eric kiss in her shoulder and snuggled her from the back. Do I need to tell him that I know about the bet?

Anne turn her back to face him, his blue eyes. I saw his eyes and felt that he loved me. But apparently it's not. What I felt was not the truth. The truth was, he pursued me to win a bet with his friends. And the feeling that I thought love is not love. But a mask.

Anne put her hand on his cheek and carrases her thumb to below his eyes.

“Do you ever bet anything?”Anne asked

He seems surprised and aswered. “I have” he sensed something.” Why you asked?”

“What do you do if you win?”

“Enjoying the prize, probably.” he crude his eyebrows.

“And move on.” i added

“Probably. Because,it’s better to stop then being addicted.”

“You right. Better to stop then being attached.”

30 September 2020

I was in my trip in Greece, taking my time off with Bianca. I choose to stay in the homestay and went to restaurant nearby to watch the sunset. Its been two months without him. I felt the sun burning my skin as raging was inside me. Is it the peace that I want? Or is it anger? Or is it pain from the heartbroken?

I was alone, but when I see across my table, and that he was, Eric Is the pain that hurt now it make me hallucinate. 

He grab a glass of cold water.

Even I can hear the sound of his glup. Is he really here?

“Can we start over?” he said

Apparently he is really here. In Greece, a thousand miles from Singapore. But why? I am confuse

“What for?” I answered.

“Why don’t you asked me when you know about the bet?” he asked

“What for?” I answered again

“Can you answered it seriously?” he annoyed. Which confusing. He was the one having a bet to spend the night with me. And now he annoyed that we done it when i know.

“I do not understand why you asked that?”

“Why you dont angry to me? Instead you left, change your number, taking two months leave from campus.” He took another glass of cold water

“For what I am angry? You are using me to win your bet and I am using you to move on.”

“Move on?” he looked puzzled.

“I know, you came here. Just because the winning that you own doesn't fell right, just because I knew allready. You said,after a bet, its better to stop then being attached and why you are still here?”

“You are not a bet.”

“Then are you pursuing me these 3 months not just because a bet, is not true?”

He silenced

“The reason I didn’t tell you if I knew about it is because i do not want to wonder. I always question, how come a man like you, the impossible one, pursuing me out of nowhere. And after I knew about the bet, it was answered. Not because, I am attractive or because you wanted me. It's because you want to get something other than me. But I decided, I do not want to keep wondering, and asking the “what if” question whether I can be with you or ever i can have someone like you. I don't want to live in the “if”. Thats why I spend the night with you. And I just follow your plan and move on.”

“Who said I am going to move on.” he said

I sighed. 

He silenced.

“I do not feel anything for you anymore.” i said. “Even when you said you want to start over, its up to you. It's your heart to decide. Because I expected nothing from you. It's your own decision to do whatever you want, And it's also my decision to do whatever I want”

After that words said. I felt relieved in my heart. I let him go. And I let my heart go. 

And it’s leave nothing but silenced.

And then he took his breath and look me in the eye.

“As you said. It's my decision. I’ll earn your trust again and start over.” he said.

“You just denying your own feeling. It's not because you like me, it's because your winning feels like losing. And you don't want to lose”

“Its not.”

“Yes, it is. You just want to win me again than after that left me. Because that the feeling that you want.”

“No, its not.”

I just can put up with this again. And I stand up and said. 

“Eric, the chance you have is gone by the time you accept that bet. Let's just end this now and move on as per what was already planned before.”

And i start to leave, until he stoppe and grab my hand.

He took a long wait before he start the last moment of this.

“You are right, this feeling is like loosing. But losing you is not my plan. I know you do not trust me anymore. And it's my will to try to earn that again.”  he kissed my hand and let it go.

And I left him.

25 December 2023

I sat in the same restaurant i did for 3 years, waiting for her. Once in my life, I never lose anything except her.

Home

That, what I come to realize in this journey to her. 

And I determine to take all my time just to earn her trust again. 

I can give all the time I have onlt for time with her.

I will hold a strain of hope that she give me later on, to pull her again to me.

It’s been 3 years, I’ve sent her flowers. and note. I know she doesn’t want anything from me.

Worse, She doesn’t even want to see me yet. I am powerless. I do not want to press her. I want her to come to me because she want to.

My phone ring, She called.

“Eric.”

“Anne”

Silence lingering between us. But I love to hear her breath.

“Thank you for the notes and roses.” she said.

“Congratulations on your promotion.” I said.

“It’s amazing you always keeping tabs on me.” 

“It's not, I just believe in you.” I answered, little did she knew that I supported her in my ways.

“Aren’t you getting tired of this?” she asked.

“This even not yet started.” I smiled

“Eric …  you just making me as your challenge for winning. You just do not want to lose. You should move on by now.”

“I can answer your question now.”

“My question?”

“Your question about “what for we started this again.”

Silenced from her side.

“I can answer now, If you are here.”

“Do not wait too long, Eric.” she said. And hang up.

She still not yet forgiven me. I sat there, waiting for her. This restaurant where I used to dine with her. That time, it usually rain when we came here. And now it is raining and making me remember what its like we used to be before.

“Mr. Eric, this is noodle wonton soup for you.” a waitress served me food that I didn’t order.

“I think there is a mistake. I didn’t order it.” I said.

“It was ordered by Ms. Anne.”

Anne?

“Is she here?”

“She was, she left a note.”

“Don’t wait too long, go home after finish the meal. It was rain outside do not catch a cold. - Anne”

I watched window outside.

She was here.

<3

The bell in Anne’s apartment rang. She went to the front door to see who it is from the intercom camera.

Eric? 

She try to pull the door handle to open the door but before she open, she hear he said. “Before you open the door.” he paused, “If you open the door, I assume you’ll give me another chance.”

She pull her hand from the handle and back off. She saw his face again in the intercom camera.

Do I want to give him a chance again?

He soaked from the rain

<3

Eric wait in front of her door. Wishing she will open the door

Will she?

Time past

A second become a minute and it become longer thah he expected.

Probably this not the right time. I can give her time in the world, but I am not letting this strain of hope that easily.

“Eric.”

She opened the door and I never felt this joy before. I was thinking she is my home, but now I am sure she is. 

“Why don't you use an umbrella?” she asked

I smiled. “To give you a reason to open the door for me.”

I hugged her. I walked this path with uncertainty, but with this feeling that I felt I am sure. She is my home.

“Eric you’re soaked.” she said.

“I missed you.” I push her a little bit and give her space but her still within my reach.”you came but you don’t meet me. I came to give you the answers of your question.”

He continued

“You said I love challenges. You are right. 

You said I need to move to my new challenges. You are right. 

You are my life challenges.” I caressed her cheek.”from now and forever. This is the beginning of my challenges to earn your trust again, my next goal is this.” I put it in her palm.

“A ring?” she asked

“Marry me.”

She puzzled

“I do not want to rush anything with you, I just telling you know that this is my goal of this challenge. You are my challenge. To be with you is my challenge, to build family with you is my challenge. I can give you all the time in the world to answer this question. I wait 3 years just to hug you and it's worth it. I can wait for you until you are ready.”

Deep down in Anne’s thought.

Is he telling the truth?

Is this really the sincere of his heart?

But the answer to that question is what I want?

What I felt seeing his action?

Do I want to give him the chance again?

Do I want to be with him?

Do I love him?

Do I?