North Pole Drama

Content Warning: Language, Crude Humour

SNOWFLAKE SCANDAL: SANTA’S SECRET AFFAIR UNDER THE MISTLETOE — MRS. CLAUS CALLS FOR SLEIGH GPS CHECK!

The North Pole Herald newspapers were scattered across the hands of thousands of elves in Gingerbread Town Square. The entire village was in a high-pitched uproar.

“Who dared to write such a spiteful article? Santa would never do such a thing!” 

“I have a friend in the Ministry of North Pole Surveillance, and she said Mrs. Claus’ request is real! The elves are supposedly sneaking drinks of cocoa to cope with the stress!”

“Naughty List for Santa! Naughty List for Santa!” 

The rumours swirled around, and the tense atmosphere was reaching a breaking point. With the elves calling for an answer, the crowd began to turn hostile. Violence began to ensue between the elves who were pro-Santa Claus and those pro-Mrs. Claus. Bottles of Holiday Cheer began to be thrown around, shattering the windows of the Gingerbread Courthouse; debris raining down on the elves below. Screams of panic, shouts of anger, and barbarity spread across the elf population. Jingle bells, attached to the tips of shoes, resonated as the opposing sides clattered against one another. 

Sirens blared as the sound approached the town square. Arriving amid the chaos, the Jingle Police Unit (JPU) came on the scene with gum drop riot shields, and they began throwing Black Licorice Mist into the crowd to try forcing them to scatter quickly. Regaining control of the Town Square was imperative, order had to be promptly restored or the villagers could turn into rogue elves — illegal, merry-less elves. Bottles, candy canes, and all other readied sweets were hurled at the JPU officers in protest. The officer pressed on, continuing to move forward pushing and escorting the wild elves further away from Town Hall. 

Commander Frost barked in a megaphone, “All elves are required to return to Santa’s Workshop immediately! Any elves found involved in merry mischief will be placed on the Naughty list indefinitely!”

Cries spread throughout the streets, as elves hastened their steps and made headway for the Workshop. The straggler elves remaining, trying their best to rebel against the JPU officers, were aptly detained and carried off into an unmarked peppermint patrol sledge and charted off for festive punishment. 

“Gingerbread Town Square is now secure Chief. JPU officers are on standby if any more elves lack merriment. OVER.” 

“Excellent job, Commander Frost. Hold a perimeter and update me if any rumblings of mischief are brewing. OVER.” 

“Roger, Chief. OVER AND OUT.”

Chief Tinsel laid the walkie-talkie on his desk, then opened his drawer to grab his emergency flask of cocoa. Taking a large swig, he swished it around in his mouth and swallowed the sweet, intoxicating chocolatey warmth. Police Headquarters stood over the village like a watchful sentinel, through the long window Chief Tinsel gazed the expanse with a critical eye. His assistant, Knickknack, watched him with wide-eyes as he took another swig from his flask. 

“Chief!” Knickknack squealed. 

Casting a sideways glance, “Drink sonny” Chief Tinsel muttered as he proffered the cocoa to him.

“We can only drink cocoa on Christmas, sir. Need I remind you—” Knickknack stopped himself after seeing a flash of anger wash across the Chief’s face. 

“Now is not the time to sleigh-road me, Knickknack,” he said through clenched teeth. “Do you realize that Christmas is in jeopardy this year!? Hell, the future of the holidays is at risk right now, and you’re worried about a little cocoa!” 

“My apologies, sir…But…it can’t be true, right?” Knickknack nervously gulped. 

“Does a snowman roam at night and steal carrots from reindeer?” Chief Tinsel quipped. 

“What?” 

“I said, does a snowman roam at night and steal carrots from reindeer?”

“Well, no one’s seen them do it. But…most likely?” 

“Exactly!” Chief Tinsel wailed. “Now consider, in this situation, the same goes for Santa Claus!” 

Knickknack gaped at the Chief as if a holiday bombshell had dropped. “But—But—” Knickknack sniffled as the shock spread over him. A silver tear rolled down his cheek as his trembling chin began to uncontrollably shake. Chief Tinsel pulled Knickknack towards him, trying to steady him by firmly grabbing his shoulders. What’s going to happen at Christmas? Knickknack silently pondered the horrible reality of a Christmas outright collapsing. 

“Listen, Knickknack. The last thing we need is a scandal where Christmas cheer cannot be brought to the world,” the Chief explained, “we got to talk to Santa and figure out a plan of action.” 

“Oh, but how do you know this isn’t just a smear campaign, Chief?” Knickknack stared back at him with melancholic eyes. 

“Let’s just say that when Mr. Claus travelled throughout the year, supposedly checking who’s naughty or nice, he happened to make frequent naughty stops at a Ms. Helen Carter’s apartment in New York City.” He cast his head down. “The reindeer have been talking, and we have eye-witness accounts that’s where he was…and where he is currently. Anyways, to the point, Knickknack, I need you to go to New York City, find Santa and save Christmas.”

“ME!?” Knickknack squealed. 

“It has to be you, sonny. If any elves see me venturing out to find Santa, heck, even if someone saw me talking to him here, they’re going to start thinking there could be some validity to the story. But, if it looks like we aren’t paying it any mind, the elves will calm down and think it’s just some sort of Christmas jest. Stress levels are extremely high this time of year, Knickknack, so most will accept that type of reality. Needless to say, if we don’t go about it this way, the elves will go rogue and the millions of kids around the world will never experience the magic of Christmas again! I’ll find an undercover reindeer that can take you there ASAP.” The Chief breathed heavily, trying to catch his breath. He turned from Knickknack, who stood affixed to the spot he stood in, accompanied by a thousand yard stare in his eyes as he watched the snow gently fall from the skies above. 

They both watched as the serenity of Christmas lay in the balance. Smoke pumping steadily out the chimneys in the distance; Santa’s Workshop functioning once again. Could this be the last Christmas? Chief Tinsel subtly thought as he re-opened the flask and took another gulp. Continuing to watch the snow fall on the array of gingerbread houses, he motioned the flask towards Knickknack, who swiftly seized it this time. Taking a swig of the strong cocoa, he hiccoughed and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. The still streets outside stood silent as the elves restarted their busy work in the Workshop, but no one could dismiss the eerie aura hanging over the North Pole. 

Knickknack turned to the Chief and asked confidently, “What exactly do I need to do?” 

——————

*KNOCK* (PAUSE) *KNOCK* (PAUSE) *KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK*

Silent footsteps approached the rhythmic knocks on the door with caution from the other end. Heart racing, Knickknack glanced to his sides, praying that no one caught sight of him here. The sliding lock quietly disengaged like a whisper, and the door creaked open a few inches. A grand flowing white beard had shown itself from the crack and two sceptical eyes came into view. With a finger over his mouth, he motioned quickly with his head to come in, Knickknack slid through the doorway and the door rapidly shut noiselessly. 

The two did not say a word to each other as they watched each other from opposite sides of the apartment room. 

“Did anyone see you come here?” Santa finally inquired. Knickknack shook his head hastily. 

Santa bit his lip, keeping his voice low, “ It was extremely dangerous to come here, you know.” 

“I could say the same thing to you, Santa,” Knickknack shot back with an air of disgust. 

Santa watched him closely, peering down at the short, long-eared elf standing there in bright green Christmas garb. 

“What do y—”

Knickknack whispered hotly, “I can’t believe you are trying to destroy Christmas! And to do all this when you have sweet Mrs. Claus, you should be ashamed Santa Claus.” 

“I…I’m not trying to destroy—” Santa stuttered, obviously shocked at the unexpected intervention. 

“Yes, you are! Whether you even know it or not. Cheating on Mrs. Claus, are you serious right now!? You do realize that Mrs. Claus is just as important a figure as you during the holidays! Don’t you?” 

Santa sat down on the small couch, in his powder-white robe his belly protruding like a snowy mound. He heavily sighed. “Please understand—I didn’t catch your name by the way?”

“Stop avoiding the truth, Santa! There are consequences for your actions. And for the record, I’m Knickknack, Chief Tinsel’s assistant.” 

“Thank the twinkling stars you’re one of Tinsel’s elves!” He boomed, smiling. “I thought you were part of Mrs. Claus’ elf counsel or something. I know this may be hard to hear, Knickknack, yet I should be fair to you since you happened to find me in a vulnerable position. Mrs. Claus and I have been in a feud for many moons, for she tries running Christmas (and myself) like a Fortune 500 company! It’s become a business to her and to be frank, she’s just a big asshole AHA!”

“MR. CLAUS!” Knickknack screamed, his ears whistling with steam, a comical sight of his frustration. 

“Ho, ho, ho, dear Knickknack. I ask you to calm down. If only you could understand the complexities of love. I fell out of love with her, like I mentioned, long ago. For the past, ten years I’ve been seeing Helen here, and I have been truly happy ever since! Coming back to my hometown of beautiful New York City, and finding a woman I can connect with has been more than a merry folly for me! To be frank, I have delivered Christmas joy to millions upon millions around the world for what will be 200 years this year…if I even plan on doing it this year.” Picking up his hot cocoa mug from the side table, he took a luxurious sip in delight, staring down at the elf standing in utter disbelief. 

“I truly cannot believe my ears, Santa! What do you mean if you even plan on doing it this year!? Why in holiday magic wouldn’t you, we’re three days away from Christmas!”

“Knickknack, I feel like you’re not understanding what I’m saying…I’m tired of hiding my love with Helen—” he cut himself short as Helen, came into the living room woken from the loud ongoing conversation. 

“Nick, why are you talking so loud at this hour—” Helen screamed as she saw Knickknack. Knickknack stepped backwards in shock, caught in the crossfire of a revelation. 

“What the hell is that thing!” She shrieked. 

Santa reached out a hand to her, “Helen, I thought we had been through this. This is one of my elves from the North Pole. I’ve told you countless times that I’m Santa—”

Helen swayed, “I thought that was some sort of joke—” she mumbled as she fell into a delirious state, and in the knick of time, Santa caught her as she fainted into his arms. Knickknack approached both of them animately wide-eyed, as he peered at Santa who gently rested her on the couch, giving her a soft kiss on the forehead. 

As if nothing happened, he turned his attention back to the awestruck elf. “Okay, Knickknack. I’ll you what…I think this dilemma we have here,” nodding towards the passed-out Helen, “is something I thought she understood from the beginning. Clearly not. Umm…wow this was totally unexpected.” He shook his head in bafflement. 

“Yea…screw it. I’ll mark this year as the final year of my duties. No ifs and buts about it, Knickknack. However, put simply, this GPS check has to be taken care of. You need to manipulate the space-time coordinates so that my frequent stops here are hidden, making sure it only shows I visit on Christmas Eve. That is imperative, Knickknack. If Mrs. Claus gets the accurate report, no one will receive the joy of presents in a few days.”

“Santa, this is so f****d! You’re letting off a holiday nuke on me! And what you’re asking me to do is for sure going to put me on the Naughty List!” the elf wailed, as silver tears welled in his eyes. 

“No, you won’t, little one. I’ll make sure of it. This is very important Knickknack, I cannot stress it enough; I do not want any headaches because of Mrs. Claus. She whines her ass off all the time nowadays, and if I got to hear her chew off my ear again, I’ll fly my sleigh into an abyss…with her in it! Now. Speaking of the sleigh, let’s go up and get to work. I’ll figure out how to break it down easy with Mrs. Claus at a later time,” he bellowed a nervous, but joyful laugh as he made his red robe appear around him out of thin air and smiled widely at Knickknack. 

“Well, what are we waiting for, Christmas is coming, right?”

——————   4 DAYS LATER  ——————

CHRISTMAS CHEER PREVAILS! MRS. CLAUS DECLARES GPS CONTROVERSY A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING — NICE LIST FOR SANTA!!!

In Tinsel’s office, the Chief stood reading the North Pole Herald while Knickknack, with bags under his eyes, drank from the emergency cocoa flask on the lounge chair. 

“Christmas saved…I’m extremely proud of you, Knickknack,” he turned his attention to him, “if Mrs. Claus got the real GPS data, Christmas would be a thing of the past.”

“Doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do, Chief. Santa is literally cheating on Mrs. Claus.” Knickknack mumbled as he continued to pound back cocoa, staring absently ahead of him. 

“What’s with the sour mood? First off, it was a successful Christmas even in the midst of the most amount of Scandal since Rudolph accidentally lit that human’s house on fire, 50 some-odd years ago. Secondly, from the sounds of it, Santa Claus is in love with a hometown sweetheart, how can one despise that? Thirdly, and finally, Mrs. Claus is an asshole!” Chief Tinsel chuckled, trying his best to lighten the mood. 

“Come on Chief!” Knickknack pleaded. “What are we gonna do? This was Santa’s last year, and then we’re going to have another scandal soon when her elopes back to New York City with Helen. We got to find another Santa Claus, and who knows how good that Santa is gonna be! We can’t be replacing Santa every few years like how they do with a James Bond actor.” 

Chief Tinsel roared in laughter as he peered out the window. Elves across the village celebrated in the annual post-Christmas parade down in the streets below. Carols were being sung, streamers were being tossed around, and joy was nestled deep in the hearts of all. 

“We’ll figure it out when the time comes, Knickknack. I have a feeling; however, you’re going to be drinking a lot more cocoa in the months to come.”

Knickknack groaned as he rose from his seat and walked to the long window beside Chief Tinsel. They watched over the swarm of elves as the buzz of a successful year was written again in the books. Fireworks were set off as the reindeer soared through the air, cheers from the crowd magnified, rattling the windows. Many questions lay unanswered, concerns were temporarily at bay, and for now, everything was grand. As the both of them slightly smiled as they watched the happenings below, they subtly understood the uncertainty of tomorrow; a looming cataclysm for the holidays. 

“Oh, how humans are interesting creatures, Knickknack,” Tinsel said under his breath, “how a man and woman’s relationship can dictate the complex workings of the holidays is beyond me…”

“It’s a good thing that we exist, Chief,” Knickknack grumbled as he shook his head at what lay deep in his imagination of the future of Christmas.