An Attempt to Change

„Today’s the day I change. “ you whisper to yourself during a bout of motivation.

The hope shines bright and illuminates the path for a better future. Everything bad in your life seems behind you, a chapter you can’t wait to close. You imagine all the ways your life would improve by simply taking a few extra steps in the right direction. You move a few steps forward, happy that a better future seems a little more reachable. But there are winds ahead and it’s so far away…

Suddenly this bright future gets dimmed by the fear. The fear that you could try your hardest and still fail. You would have to put so much effort into something that might not even work. There is also a possibility that it might work but you would not enjoy all that it brings. You start to wonder if it’s worth it. Change has a big price which you’re not even sure if you can pay. You start thinking of the comfort of where you are now. Sure, it might not be perfect but it isn’t bad either. You start convincing yourself you’re better off where you are now.

You go back to your old ways with the image of a brighter future still implanted in the back of your brain. After each bout of motivation, you are certain that you’ll change this time but the second it gets hard you quiver. You run back to safety and board yourself in. You hate yourself for letting fear control you, but it feels as though you can’t fight back. It takes over all your hope with its grim predictions leaving you an unmotivated mess. Every time you fail the road gets darker and your will weaker. It now represents a scary venture into uncertainty. You start to question your ability to make the changes necessary to survive that path and if you even want to go there.

Your will for change gets weaker after every failure until one day you stop trying altogether. You still imagine a better future, but it doesn’t shine as bright as it used to. It’s foggy and filled with a sense of unworthiness. The hope you once had gets pushed back by all the unwanted responsibilities life throws at you. You stop living and start surviving. Standing still in the wilderness of life, not moving forward nor going back. Content with static and the safety it provides.

„Why am I like this? “ you ask yourself, defeated.

You’re unable to move even when you so desperately want it. The longer you stand still the more you get comfortable. You feel safe in the certainty, knowing exactly what to expect. Be it good or bad you know how to take it on and succeed. You grow certain of your actions and thoughts and start believing there is no other truth. Everything else is too volatile, too difficult and way beyond your reach. You convince yourself that this is where you have to be, and nothing is worth losing it.

Change takes so much from a person whether it be money, time or effort. There is also the thought that you can’t go back to your little safe spot if it starts getting hard. What if you tried your hardest and it still failed miserably? You will never get those years back. The people you love and care so much about might never come back if you change. At the least they would love you a little bit less. No one would say it, but you would feel how differently they’d look at you. This right now is who you are and straying from that would be deceiving. Oh, you’re so cruel for wanting a better life… and you are the only one that believes this.

It doesn’t matter how much they try to help you change you seem unresponsive and unwilling. You have now been living a lie for so long it has become the truth. You cannot change and you never will. There are so many things that can go wrong and at the first sign that they might you give up. There is no point in trying if you already know it won’t work. You start to correlate change with this feeling. This feeling of hopelessness. You so desperately want to but your mind and the fear that controls it shut you down before you even begin. There is barely any of you left to fight back that fear.

„I have to change. “ you say to yourself once again.

By standing still you got left behind by your loved ones and they look back at you with pity. They’ve tried to help you move forward but are now losing hope in you. You start to fear that one day, everyone will leave you behind to be a better person. All the love and compassion that made the status quo desirable is fading away in a search for their own change. They’ve seen all you can do and are getting bored with your lack of progress.

You are getting bored as well. You look at yourself and where you are now. You’ve memorized the path underneath you down to the last pebble. Pushing them around doesn’t change the place you’re standing. It looks dull and you realise the cracks you didn’t pay attention to until now. You start to wonder again about that shiny path to the future, trying to remember what it looked like. Immediately your brain remembers all the negative emotions you’ve associated with it. Fear creeps in and tries to subdue you but this time you choose to ignore it.

You look at yourself and how feeble you’ve become. Your bony arms are being held by shackles. These chains are not bound by the place you’re standing but your own mind. There is a moment of disbelief that you could be the one responsible for putting them on. You start despising yourself for letting them get so tight. You are fed up with this restraint. It sparks an anger within you so raw and burning it makes you want to rip your skin off. Piece by piece you rid yourself of everything that represents your old ways of compliance. It is painful and horrid, yet you don’t care anymore. Our brains fight us knowing only the things that we’ve learned so far. You must consciously decide every day that you want to be different, constantly straining your mind and body. Fighting until one day you take control over your mind.

“I will change!” You scream pulling the chain with all your newfound passion.

Finally, you plummet on the ground. Your body dangling with broken pieces of your old self. There is only one way to rebuild yourself. You take a step forward and look around. In the distance there is a familiar light shining. You imagine again how a better future might look like and the fog starts clearing. It reveals your path which is now broken and bent from all the time you let pass by. Each stone represents an opportunity you missed and there are barely any left. You hear the fear in your mind, compelling you to stay. Its whispers are growing louder, screaming that it’s too late but you don’t hear it. Too long have you spent being a slave to it.

You take a few more steps forward, trembling at each move. Alas, you are still ok and to your surprise, the road appears brighter. Up ahead you see it reach great heights and fall into the depths. You decide to accept that it’s going to be hard and that you might not get there in one go. Sometimes you’ll stumble and fall back and it’s no wonder considering all the obstacles you must face. You start to move forward. Without the fear fogging up your path you start to appreciate all the steps you have to take and your ability to handle them. There is pride and excitement in your eyes as you grow more confident moving through your journey.

The bright future you’re after appears closer with each step you take. As you get closer you start to realize how much that road meant to you. It prepared you for the troubles up ahead and gave you the confidence to fight them. You awe at your achievements as they are a witness to your suffering. A reminder of a battle you have won and a testimony of your power to conquer any future difficulties. You realize you’re a different person than you were before. Consumed with confidence and not by fear.

„I’ve changed! “ you exclaim happily, now running along the road that seems to never end.

There is no obstacle you couldn’t pass and no depths that can stop you. The brightness of your future is almost blinding how close it is. As you reach the light you start to slow down. There is a familiar voice creeping towards you. You cling to that road once again wondering what could be waiting on the other side. There is a fine thread separating you from the future you wanted, the one you worked for. This is the moment you find out if it was all worth it. The same questions arise from your point of static.

The fear comes creeping back, this time as a friend. A comforting feeling you once dreaded has become a signal of hope. You have gone through so much already and managed to get this far. You pay no attention to its words, but it makes you look back at the road and all the lessons you’ve learned. If it weren’t for that fear those would be just mere bumps you’ve passed but the fight inside of you made it so much more meaningful.

You gather your strengths and proceed to the light, leaving your troubles and the crumbling road to decay in the past. You step into the future and take in all that it has to offer. Never could you have imagined such a safe place for you to be. You’re not exactly sure where you are but still it feels like this is exactly where you belong. It’s like an open blooming field filled with opportunities for you to take. You bask in the light and how it warms your skin. One day it will take over this place together with you in it. But now… In this moment, it is a place where you can finally rest.