A Regretful Return

Life has been hectic as of late. Our jobs have dropped us, our family won't speak to us, nor longer pay any more of our bills, and we just stepped away from a school bus full of kids that we borrowed. Now, before you begin to think of us as bad people, well, go on think of us what you will, but i have to point out that we were in a position that we rathered not to be in, not that it makes all the difference, but even a wolf will bite of it’s arm when felt necessary. 

We’ve been cut off! Nobody is helping us, and nobody seems to mind our suffering, so I can't imagine they will get all too upset to hear of a group of crying children, I mean, they hardly are big contributors either. If anything, I think that we should be deserving of an award for clearing up a little extra room in this world so devoid of fresh air that, well you know what they say, “if you didn't earn it, well then spit that air back out”. 

Well, we really are banking on the hope that someone will miss this group of non-contributors enough to fork over the amount that we are hoping for. I suppose you really do largely resent whatever attribute you most fully own yourself. And I hate a greedy and lazy American. Even when there was plenty of work output on our ends, still we were looked at by everybody as peasants. Peasants who just aren't fulfilling their end of the bargain. Well, maybe a little back story might be helpful to give y'all the inside scoop.

My name is John, and from selling cars to selling meals I can do it all. Selling wise of course. I’m positive I could make a splash in any field I chose to jump into, but nobody will give me a chance. And that's not just professionally. Every girl I meet, every friend I’ve had, they are all so fake and shallow. Like a hollow puppet of a person who is trying to leech as much normal human behavior from me so that they can one day join the general population, but for now, all they are doing is making us sick. There was one lady who I really thought was going to be the one. She was so nice and so pretty, but she had strict guidelines on how she wanted me to behave. No drinking, no smoking, no porn, no eating past 9, mandatory exercise everyday. She was trying to make me into the perfect partner, and while she did follow that regime, I can't. I slip, I fall, and I catch myself in a big pool of whiskey and a crunchy towel to mop it all up. I just don't understand how someone can stay so straight and narrow. With the world we live in, full of attention sponges everywhere you look. I don’t see the possibility of a life without numbing agents. We’re all just living one person’s agenda our whole lives, until the very end when we look into the mirror and realize this truth, and it’s all too late. We have run our hamster wheel until our legs are bloody and our wheel is too slippery to gain traction. We don't have time for ourselves, let alone time to think of bettering the lives of our neighbors. It is a cruel world we live in, but what are you going to do about it? Kill yourself? Pussy.

Why am I so hard on myself and my mind? This is not how I was meant to live. This is not a way for anyone to live, constantly bouncing from one thing to another, never feeling comfortable enough to give up any of our precious time away for any reason. This is such a stressful way to be. And I know it. Every part of me wants to lock away all of my devices and leave, to find myself gripping for life at every opportunity. I'm not confident in the city. I'm not myself in the city. I may be able to become something greater, something worth living, but I haven't been able to find it yet. Everything feels forced. Every decision was made by someone else and my soul is being dragged along for the ride. I need to treat myself. I need to do whatever I need to do in order to make this a life worth living. I don't want to be miserable, I don't want to be locked down, and I want to be connected. My purpose is to feel connectedness and create connection with myself, my creator, and my fellow people. And to feel the gratitude in helping others to feel the same way. There IS a way to find a smile through this thick brush of distraction, and it is through God. I need to ask him, and ask my heart what I should do, always. My mind and my desires are coming through too strong all the time. I think I need to give these kids back.

They are not from this world. They have no clue of the greed, fear, lust, and hatred that our world has been built upon. Everyone wants something, and these kids just want to play. You can hear it in their voices, the fear, the hatred, but it is sent towards me. All of their fear is on me, and all of mine is sent out into the ether. Which is more harmful? Without a doubt I know, but I too fear the answer. I wish I had never commandeered the bus, and I wish I could give it back. Here in Cowchilla, things like this just don't happen. Nothing like this ever happens here. This is a safe town. A quiet town. The exact place you would want to raise a family. Except for people like me. I’m who you have to worry about. I am the badness of the world, these children know nothing of me. They need to be free. And then, I will set myself free. Pussy.