Dear diary, I'm stuck

17/01/2022

Hello, my dearest of all diaries,

(that’s how I’m supposed to start this, right?) God… anyways, nobody’s ever going to read this, I guess, so it doesn’t really matter.

Well, if, by any chance, someone’s reading this, and be it only future me trying to bathe in teenage, no, young adult memories, hi, I hope you’re doing well. I, meanwhile, am stuck, stuck with nothing to do except stare out a window just to see a wall of snow blocking my view and, which of course is more unfortunate, the only door leading out of this trap. I guess that’s an exaggeration. I mean, there are some books in here and I found a few dusty records that should fit into my mom’s rustic record player. (I always thought it was just some Pinterest-board inspired place holder, but it might proof itself useful)

Now, my dear, purely fictional, reader, let me tell you how I got myself into this situation since I have nothing better to do while waiting to be freed in a few hours. Yesterday, I came up here to get away from down there (“down there” just being my village that lies in a now snow packed valley, and “up here” our old family chalet). Honestly, yesterday was amazing. I walked around a bit in the icy cold, admiring the clear blue sky. I even found some animals footprints in the snow. Where it all went “wrong” was my quick afternoon nap, that turned out to be more of an afternoon sleep, after which the snow had successfully trapped me in here. Of course, I immediately wrote my mom to assure her of my still being a living, breathing, alive human being. Otherwise, she might have had a heart attack by the time I get back home.

You’re probably wondering why I pretend to have nothing to do when I clearly got a phone on me, right? Well, as smart as I am, I didn’t bring a charger with me. So yeah, expecting to be free by the next morning I wasted my last bit of battery on watching some random YouTube videos. 

I don’t really know what else to tell you, except maybe that I haven’t slept this good in a long time. The calm around here really does me some good compared to what I have to endure at home. To be honest, I’m kind of hoping that I’ll be snowed in for at least another night, just to get some more refreshing, and in my very unbiased opinion, well deserved rest. 

Might see you tomorrow my dearest of all diaries, although I doubt that I will return to you once I get back home.

18/01/2022

Hello my darling diary,

I’m back and I’m not sure if I’m that unhappy about it. Being snowed in sucks, right, but it’s somewhat nice too. Feels like sitting on a 24-hour flight with the fortunate difference that my legs won’t fall asleep, and I don’t need to climb over some sleeping stranger to get to the loo. This complete absence of pressure to be productive, because I simply cannot be productive, that’s what I love about it. And the complete absence of judgment. There is simply no one around to see me and to evaluate whether I am an adequate human being. The books are not too bad either, at least the few that I haven’t read already and that aren’t your typical coffee table books. My favourite discovery was Frankenstein, even though I feel like labelling such a classic a discovery doesn’t really do it justice. I already put it into my backpack to take it back down with me and give it the honour of sitting on my favourite books bookshelf, something it’s cousin Dracula doesn’t get to do. The records aren’t the best though. I mean, sure, I’m listening to one right now but seriously the person that put the music collection together probably just went to an antiques fair and grabbed a handful of disks in a 10 for 5 sort of thing. It was probably my aunt. It was definitely my aunt. What else have I been doing … I guess I have done some thinking about some stuff, the usual. Future me, you know what I’m talking about. Give me a sign, will you? Would appreciate the help, thanks.

In the off chance that you, my dear reader, are not future me, I might tell you about my conundrum tomorrow. I need some more time to think. Oh yeah, the snow, well, I am pretty sure I’m gonna be stuck in here tomorrow as well but at least I managed to get a fire going in the fireplace. I’m sitting right in front of it right now, if you were wondering, leaning against the bed I managed to move here. 

On another note, I don’t think I told you yesterday why I’m even writing this thing. (I mean, I know I didn’t tell you about it, I just looked, but it sounds better like this) I am, as surprising as this might sound, some sort of an aspiring writer. I know, it’s stupid. See, now I feel judged by an imaginary person reading this. Well, you’re going to judge me even more if I tell you that I always carry a notebook with me, just in case I got jumped by a muse and felt the urge to write. To be fair, that did happen a few times already. Once I sat in church to please my grand-parents and the music really got me, another time I sat in a classical music concert and as much as I tried to concentrate, my thoughts would just wander off into a magical realm of their own, only ripped out of the story that was building itself by the applause. However, in both these cases I couldn’t just whip out this notebook and write, right? Would have been weird. Well, now there’s no one around except you. God, I’m going to need to hide this when I get back home… cannot risk Yvonne finding this.

19/01/2022

Good evening my daily diary (yes, I couldn’t think of anything else),

I’m sorry for letting you lay on the floor tonight, I completely forgot about you, hope you can forgive me. Who knew that just thinking and going through several identity crisis in a day could be so exhausting? I guess it’s true that you can sleep better after a good cry, especially if you don’t have to hide it from anyone. As you can see yesterday and today were really fun. To be honest I didn’t even know if I were going to write something today, but someone once told me (ok, it was my mom) that writing down your emotions can help you understand them, so, here we go.

I guess I’ll have to tell you some things about myself. I am a law student (fancy, right?), mainly because I have always been doing pretty good academically and I thought that my “talents” (sorry, I don’t want to sound pretentious) would be best used in a difficult, renowned university course. Since I really don’t want to do medicine (the whole thing with people dying when you make a mistake kind of turned me away from it), I chose law. No, that’s not right… I also liked law. I thought it was interesting and I liked the idea of a future me that can help people as a judge (yes, I definitely don’t want to be lawyering around when I’m older). So, at the beginning of September, I am in my first year by the way, finished my first exams last week, I was super motivated and all. It’s just not, I don’t know, what I expected? Although I kind of knew it was going to be a lot of work, that’s not it, but it just doesn’t interest me as much as I thought it would … And then there are books and literature and my pointless dream of becoming an author. 

Now, you probably think that the decision should be simple, right? Ditch law and study something else that truly interests me, such as Literature. Well, you wouldn’t be wrong but also you probably know that humans aren’t truly rational beings (there are some people like that but seriously, that’s weird). First of all, what would I do with a literature degree? The only thing that comes to mind is being an English teacher. A way less respected job in society than judge, let’s be real. I mean, just look at their salaries and it’s obvious. Like, we live in a deeply capitalistic society, salaries do reflect someone’s position in society, I’m convinced of that. Then again that should not be a deciding factor, I know that. 

There is another problem with that decision, what if it’s a mistake? There are no redoes in life. What if I regret it? I mean it’s like the freaking trolly problem where you need to decide if you want to push the fat person of a bride to stop the train and safe the people lying on the tracks. Taking decisions is harder than just letting life take its course. But you probably already knew that … sorry. Dear future me, some help please? 

Oh, and then there is an even bigger problem, a logistical one. The Uni I’m going to doesn’t offer good English literature courses, so I would need to apply to a different one, which also means that I would need to move out. Of course, hoping that the whole Rona situation allows for classes to be held in person next year. While I would love to get out of our cramped apartment, I would need to tell my parents that I want to move out. That sounds mean, doesn’t it? Hey mum, hey dad, I don’t want to live with you anymore. I guess that’s what they are going to hear when I’m going to try to tell them about this. Plus, they are going to be worried about my stupid financial future. 

“Have you really thought this through? Are you sure? It’s only four more years, then you have your master’s degree, just try to get through it, will you?”

Maybe I’m doing them injustice, maybe they just want the best for me and if I tell them about it they will understand. But maybe they won’t. 

I need to think some more daily diary, sorry for leaving you again.

20/01/2022

Good afternoon dusty diary of mine, 

How are you? I’m better than yesterday, I think. I just had some tinned ravioli and let me tell you they were amazingly awesome. So good. Brought back some childhood memories. The really good thing about having a doomsday aunt is that the family chalet aka the zombie apocalypse hideout, is always stocked with enough food and water to get our entire family through weeks of zombies scratching on our door to feast on our brains. The whole pandemic thing just made her stock up even more, now we have, in addition to all the food, a giant pile of toilet paper sitting in the pantry. I guess I should thank her when I have the chance, without the food, water and firewood, my stay here would have been a little less enjoyable.

I slept incredibly well last night. The writing down your thoughts and emotions thing really helps, so I decided to tell you the actual reason I came up here. 

I had a fight with my mom. About the exact thing I told you yesterday, only, not really. I mean it was about me being a little fed up with law, but I guess I didn’t elaborate enough to make her truly understand what I was trying to say. I might have freaked her out a bit as well. I mean, I didn’t really show how much I didn’t like it until a few days ago, so it really came out of nowhere. At least that’s what I am trying to tell myself. If I manage to actually explain it to her, she might be in favour of me changing courses. But then again, I don’t even really know what I personally want. How can I expect her to support me when I don’t know what I want her to support me in …? 

Really, nobody ever tells you how difficult this entire career choice thing is. Your entire life relies on a decision you make when you are 18 or 19. That’s horrible. What if I make the wrong one and I regret it for my entire life? 

I guess being entirely alone for 4 days really isn’t the most beneficial for my mental health. Kinda funny though, how I always wished to live alone and now the solitude messes me up and makes me want to get back into our cramped apartment. If I could at least write with someone. Someone that can actually reply back, sorry diary.

I think I should be able to get back tomorrow though. I can see the snow sweating in my window. One more day, I can do that. 

21/01/2022

Good morning, my beloved book of thoughts!

I was right, I can get home today. When I woke up, about 30 minutes ago, I gave the door a small push and I think I can get it open if I try a bit harder! I just thought I owed you some closing thoughts, you know. I think without you I would have had some more mental breakdowns. Thank you. And thank you, mysterious person, or future me, for listening. Imagining someone actually reading this is scary but at the same time it felt nice talking to someone.

I don’t honestly know if I’m ever going to use you again, or at least I am unsure if I am going to use you as a diary. Who knows, maybe these pages will finally be filled with the short stories they deserve. And then, in a few years, I might return to you and read all about my little introspective adventure, knowing what I will have finally decided to do. Hey there, future self, I hope you’re happy with your decision, whatever it is.

Oh, and I also created some sort of plan yesterday. I really hope I manage to go through with it though. Step one will be to talk to my parents, like, really talk to them. Sit them down, maybe make them a hot chocolate (a little bribery never hurt anyone, right?) and explain to them how I am feeling. I’ll have to do it today I think, otherwise I might lose courage, so wish me luck. Then I’ll need to apply to a university (or several, just to make sure I get accepted at one of them). Applying doesn’t need to mean that I’ll actually go, that gives me some peace of mind. I’ll still have time to figure it all out. Maybe my second term will get me excited for law again, then I’ll simply continue on my path, but if that doesn’t happen, I’ll at least have a way out. I guess I’ll just have to go with my gut on this one. If I don’t like the subject itself, how can I then enjoy the job that comes afterwards, right? 

Well, wish me luck. 

P.S. I managed to get out and I’m currently sitting in my car (which still works! I was a bit worried that it was somehow damaged by the snow but thank God, I parked it in our “outside garage” aka a wooden overhand that extends to the side of the chalet). In an hour or so I’ll be back home. I guess you know better than me if I continue writing or not. Bye for now my dearest of all diaries!