Do I Accept Me?

*Story contains vulgar language

Who am I? Like who am I really? I feel like I know who I am but I’m always doubting myself. I’m gay? Yes. But am I? Am I just doing this for attention? I do feel an attraction to women. So what is there to question? I tried guys. They clearly weren’t for me. I tried women and oh my god do I love women. Do I classify as lesbian? What if that term just doesn’t describe me? I am a woman, physically. I am attracted to women. Wouldn’t that classify me as a lesbian? Yes? So why doesn’t it feel right?

I’m gay. I’m okay with saying that. Do I not feel comfortable in my own body? I like my boobs. I like that I don’t have something flinging between my legs. Oh my god, I think would hate that. Can you imagine what it’s like on hot days? Ew. Disgusting. Okay, think of flowers, think of coffee, think of lesbians. Okay phew. Now that that crisis is over.

“Hey Ben?”

“What’s up?”

“Super random but…” I’m definitely hesitant with the question I’m about to ask but here goes.

“What’s it like having a penis?”

“Clarissa! We’re in the grocery line! Why are you thinking about dicks? That’s my job!”

“I’ve just been thinking… a lot”

“Girl, you’ve been thinking too much. But, if you must know”

“Oh, grab that gum there!” Ben grabs the gum and throws it into the basket as we slowly make our way through the grocery line.

“Gotchu. Well, it also depends on the day. Hot and cold days are both monstrous. Then theres what underwear you’re wearing that day as well. Boxers, briefs, boxer briefs. I’m more of a brief man myself because it keeps everything together and intact. I can only imagine what it’s like for the men that wear boxers though. Just letting it hang around like that. Oh and there’s the people that like to go commando. I could never.”

“No same. That sounds uncomfortable, especially for a woman.”

“For you yeah, but for those that sha-”

I smack him on his arm, “Shush! We don’t talk about my business” I say to him as we start pulling the groceries out of the basket and onto the conveyor belt.

“You brought it up.”

“Ugh, I know but-”

“Besides, what were you thinking of to bring up penis at the grocery store? Did you see some raunchy looking cucumbers?”

The cashier just looks at Ben with some obvious eye attitude but continues to ring up the person in front of us. Ben just smiles and does a little wink at her.

“Oh my god. No, no cucumbers. I was just thinking about myself”

“Uh huh…” Ben says as he starts to input his phone number into the card machine. Meanwhile the cashier just scans the clearly laid out snacks and wine we’re so keen on getting to. Two bottles of cheap but good wine, some strawberries, chocolate to melt for dipping the strawberries, blueberries, chocolate covered almonds, and a mini cheese and meat platter.

“Well…” I trail off. Hesitating to continue my story in front of the cashier that seemed like she was just over the day. Like maybe her shift would be ending soon.

“ID please”

“Here you go” Ben shows his ID to the cashier. The photo being from ten years ago. He never went to get an updated photo. She blinks slowly and looks at him. Ben smiles and turns it around after a moment and she scans it.

“Would you like any bags?”

“Yes, please” Ben says with an uptick in the please. The bag boy begins to bag up the snacks and wine.

“Your total is, 63.97, will that be cash or card?”

“Card” Ben says as he taps his card on the card machine. It bings and accepts.

“Here’s your receipt.”

“Thank you!” Ben grabs the receipt and one bag. I grab the other and thank the bag boy as well.

We get to Ben’s car and stuff the groceries into the backseat. Before he starts the car he turns to me.

“Okay, talk”

“I’m just questioning my real gayness.”

“Not this again. Bitch you’re gay!” Ben says as he turns on the car.

“Yeah, I know but why does it feel weird to hear ‘lesbian’ and why does it make me so uncomfortable to change in the girls locker room at the gym?”

“Okay, you don’t have to put a label on your love and you’re uncomfortable because you don’t want people thinking you’re watching them! We’ve been through this. You’ve been through this in therapy! What’s going on? What’s really going on?”

“I’m not sure, I feel like maybe I am gay but in a weird, I’m not a woman way? You know what I mean?”

“Do you want to be a man? Is that why you were asking about dicks?”

“I don’t want to be a man. I thought about it. I like my titties.” I say as I perk them up then drop them.

“As you should, they’re gorgeous. Seatbelt.” He points to my seatbelt as I put it on.

“I like not having something dangling between my legs.”

“Okay, maybe you’re a-

“I feel like a twink in a woman’s body.”

“Ope”

“Or like a drag queen? I like my titties. You clearly like them too.”

“Girl, you know gay men secretly want their own pair of titties. Not to lick but to flaunt. Like if I could put them away whenever I wanted.”

“Look, what I’m trying to say is, maybe I haven’t just accepted who I am. I feel like I’m struggling with myself. I don’t know who I am. I know I love my body. I know I love women. But what if that changes one day? What if I fall in love with a man? No. I haven’t. But what if I do?”

Ben takes a moment to drive us out of the parking lot and onto the main road to his place.

“Look, whatever happens with your emotions and who you are. You’re always going to be you. Gay. Even if you fall for a man. You’ll still be pining over unavailable women. Even if you decide you want to identify as a man but keep your womanly parts. Just do what makes you happy. You gotta stop thinking about what others are gonna say. If people don’t accept you, oh well. That’s their loss. You gotta accept you. You are who you are at your core. Even if that’s a gay twink in a woman’s body. Shit. I’m a gay twink and I wish I had a woman body.”

He steers the car to a stop in front of his home.

“You know, we could’ve walked to the grocery store.”

“Yeah, but this was faster”

“Ben, I appreciate you. You always know what to say.”

“Okay, when we get inside, you gotta go up the mirror and tell mirror you this

‘Bitch, I am an amazing gay human what loves women. I am gay, I am proud of my gayness, and I accept that about myself because I am deserving of love too’ okay?”

We get up to his apartment and he unlocks the key. I can do this. I can do this right? It’s just mirror me. What is mirror me going to say to me? Nothing, because she’s me. She says what I tell her to say.

We put the groceries down on the table. Ben shoo’s me away from the groceries

“I’ll set this up, you go and love yourself for a minute in the bathroom”

I smirk, “Thank you” I say as I walk to the bathroom.

I look my mirror self in the eyes. One deep breath. And another deep breath.

“Okay. I got this. It’s just me and you, mirror me” I shake off the nerves and take one last deep breath.

“Mirror me, or me, I? Fuck. Um, hello. Hi mirror me. I’m here to tell you about loving yourself.”

I shake off some more.

“I got this. I Clarissa, love myself. I am gay, I love women, and occasionally think about men. I’m not into men but I have been known to think men are hot. I love women. Women are beautiful beings. Labels don’t define who I am. Labels only constrict and confuse. I am gay and I love myself for it. I can’t think about the future because I’m not there. I’m here in this present moment with myself. I accept me. As long as I accept and love me, I will be okay in this crazy world. I will be okay. I love me. I love me. I love me.”