I Didn't Know

At the time I didn't know, it was obvious, so many signs. I am talking Looney Tunes, obvious. Though somehow I was still oblivious. Whether I am that blind, whether I just didn't want to think that was the case, regardless of how; I didn't know that this would be the last time that I would hold you.

I stood at the end of the bed trying to hold back all of the feelings. More feelings than I knew I had, let alone knew how to process. My body felt like it was stiff with rigor mortis, whilst simultaneously feeling like I was about to melt into a puddle on the floor. Every muscle in my body was screaming at me to move so I didn't let the tide of emotion take over me in front of you. Every. Single. Part of me wanted me to move and shield you from any more pain from me. I couldn’t. I couldn't move, I couldn't control myself. All I could do was stand there while I tried to choke out goodbye.

“Do you want a hug?” your voice came through the swells of emotion rushing over me, like a lighthouse beam to a ship about to wreck. 5 simple words that people ask each other all the time but this time they had so much more weight to them.

“No, it’s ok thank you” I choked the words out. Barely able to get the lie out of my mouth, I wanted nothing more than for you to hold me. Though I knew that it wasn't fair to you. I knew the history. I knew I had hurt you and it would hurt you to hold me again. I hate myself for hurting you. I locked eyes with you after barely being able to choke the line out.

“I want to give you a hug” you spoke so calmly, there was so much emotion in the way you said it that I wish I could have died right then. It was the purest love that I can think of. The way you said it had so much feeling in it, it was so soft, yet so strong. It had ten years of real love and emotion built into it. You knew it would hurt you, I know you knew that but you cared so much that you still felt the need to do it. You don't pity me, you weren't trying anything underhanded, you genuinely loved enough that you wanted to give me that.

You stood from your chair in the corner and moved towards me, your arms out-stretched. We were three steps apart, and you crossed that space seemingly without moving. You got from your seat to wrapping yourself around me so gracefully I swear you somehow did it without moving. Somehow in both the blink of an eye and an eternity you crossed the distance. Your arms made their way around me and pulled me in as mine did the same to you. This wasn't a normal hug, we had been together for a decade, held each other so often and in so many settings, from childbirth, to the death of family members. This wasn't like any time we had held each other before. I think in that moment you knew that this would be the last time that we would embrace. I should have known at the time too.

All the emotions swelling through me were right there, I managed to contain all of them, well almost all of them. My sadness came crashing through me, it was a tidal wave that hit me like a truck. It came through my chest, it filled my throat like I was drowning. The salt water was stinging my eyes, I was forced to remember I wasn't actually drowning, they were just tears. I was trying to not fall on you, I was trying to stay upright while it felt like the world around me was crashing like a wave over the top of me. The waves slowly try to push me down to the crushing depths. I didn't want to show you that I was falling apart, it was taking everything I had to hold it together in front of you. I was failing miserably but I was trying so hard, I didn't want you to feel sorry for me. That isn't fair for you.

Half a foot taller than you and almost twice your weight but in your arms I felt such a crush that made me feel like if I could never let go then maybe things would be ok again. I would just hold you and let time go by. All the time you needed to heal, all the time we needed to be ok, all the time letting the world pass until we could be again. I wanted to just stay in your arms in that moment forever, it was a paradoxical moment. I didn't want anything to change but I wanted this moment to wash away all the bad feelings and allow just the good ones to be there. I didn't want to let go but I wanted you to be able to heal so that we could hold each other like this again if it was meant to be. I didn't want to go anywhere but I wanted to find myself and grow so that I could be what you deserve.

I don't remember letting go.

I remember leaving, I remember choking out a goodbye, I remember the click the door made behind me, I remember the teary blurred drive to my friends place where I would be staying. I don't remember letting go, even now thinking back I remember everything else so vividly, but I don't remember letting go. Maybe I have blocked it out because my subconscious does not want me to know what that was like because it knows I couldn't handle it. Maybe inside I know that if I could remember letting go then I would feel everything that has been  lost. Maybe some part inside of me thinks that if I only remember holding you in my head I can still hold you until you heal, until I can grow, until the time is right.

Looking back it was so obvious, but I still didn't know, that was going to be the last time I held you.