Betrayal of Duty

**Trigger Warning: Child Abuse**

A frail boy hunches forward in the driveway contently playing with sidewalk chalk. His frame is small, and his legs bend at unnatural angles while he draws. Deep in thought, he seems unaware of her presence. Every few minutes anxiety swells in his belly and he looks around frantically to see if she is still there. For now, she is, and he returns to his artwork.

She can’t help but smile at him each time he looks up. While he colors, she studies him. His eyes cross slightly. His tilted head and malnourished body tell a story he cannot. She can make out scars on the back of his head. Three? Maybe four. He is almost seven years old, tucked into the stature of a four-year-old. Her smile fades as she imagines what he’s been through. She pushes the abhorrent thoughts from her mind and resurrects a smile. He’ll be looking up again, soon, and she’s ready. 

Luka came to live in the house with the colorful driveway three months ago. He likes it here. These are much better parents than the last ones and now he can be with his brother. The last mom taught him how to do his own laundry and clean the toilet, but he was often afraid. This mom reads him three bedtime stories every night and never makes him go to bed hungry. She makes sure he has clean clothes every single day and hasn’t raised her hand to him once – not yet anyhow.

On his third check to verify her presence, he gets an idea.

“Kelly! I have a surprise for you!” he beams with pride, featuring his lone top front tooth. His head tilts to one side and his eyes search her face for a reaction.

“I can’t wait to see what it is!” she responds enthusiastically. Kelly exaggerates her expression for his benefit, careful not to betray the sad wonderings in her head.

He turns his back so she can’t see, and shouts, “No peeking!”

He chooses three colors for his next creation. When it’s perfect, he bravely turns to reveal her surprise. Her face lights up as she exclaims, “That’s a beautiful tree, Luka! I love trees! You are so talented!” She holds her arms out to hug him. He walks close to her but doesn’t extend his arms. Instead, he leans in and allows her to embrace him, arms stiff at his sides. His body is rigid, and she quickly releases him, sensing his discomfort. She offers him a high-five instead, which he eagerly obliges. Twice.

He grins from ear to ear until he catches a glimpse of his older brother, Liam, glaring at him. His smile fades and a thousand-yard stare replaces it. He plops back down on the driveway and begins scribbling out the tree. He feels bad for drawing it now. Maybe if the lady didn’t like it so much his brother wouldn’t be so cross with him.

He repeatedly checks in with Liam’s angry eyes until they relent. He moves closer to his brother and starts a new picture. This time, choosing a safer subject; his brother and himself. With light green chalk, he makes two stick figures. The first is tall with seven wavy hairs, two eyes, and a smiling mouth. The second, much smaller, has three pieces of hair standing up on end like soldiers on patrol. Its only features are two huge vacant circles where the eyes should be. It’s mouth, missing. Kelly asks Luka to tell her about his drawing and asks if he forgot his mouth. He looks down, shrugs his shoulders, and says “I don’t know.” He puts down the chalk and informs Kelly he’s done drawing.

**********

Kelly and her husband, Matt, became foster parents just a few months ago. Well, that’s not exactly true. They had intended to be foster parents, but things hadn’t gone as planned.

“Hello?” Kelly answered with a bit of excitement. After completing four months of training, background checks, fingerprint clearances, and a home inspection, their license was just approved yesterday. The caller ID read “BLOCKED NUMBER” and that could only mean one thing; the Department of Child Services was calling with a placement. They’d anticipated a call like this for months, but now that it was happening, anxiety flared.

“Is this Kelly Randall?” asked the friendly but weary voice on the other end of the phone. She sounded as if she’d had one too many long days in a row. She spoke as if reading a script she’d memorized.

“This is she.” Or is it “This is her?” Kelly was never sure which was right, as neither sounded correct. She could have just said “yes” and been done with it; what was wrong with her? The voice on the other end was not concerned about her grammar or self-doubt. It proceeded without small talk. As she launched into the reason for the call, Kelly felt for a chair. She thought she had mentally prepared herself for any call that came in, but she was wrong.

The tired voice matter-of-factly explained, “Well, Mrs. Randall, my name is Denise. I’m a case worker with the Department of Children and Family Services and my records show your foster care license was approved for two boys between the ages of six and ten.”

Kelly waited for the Congratulations that was sure to follow, but none did. After waiting half a second, she attempted to correct Denise, politely, “Well, that’s right, but…” She wanted to tell Denise they could only take in one child. She wanted to tell Denise they wanted to feel this out and make sure it was right for their family. She wanted to tell her how scared they were.

Denise was not interested and cut her off. “Um, so. It also says you and your husband are pre-approved for adoption.” Before Kelly could interject again, the voice marched on, “So we have a sibling set of two boys ages six and ten that would be a perfect fit for your family. Oh. And it’s for adoption, not foster. It looks like they have been in foster care for two years already. We have to get them out of that house…” her voice trailed off. “Anyways, we need your answer soon.”

Kelly was not equipped to respond. Her thoughts ran wild with questions and convictions, none of which exited her mouth. Why were they moving the boys? Why “soon”? Weren’t these kids already in a safe home? Aren’t there more pressing needs? She felt disgusted with herself for the questions and answers that came out of a dark place in her mind. She was resistant to this idea. Two? Adoption? Even if they could take in two kids, Kelly was adamant they would not agree to adoption, not this soon. She didn’t tell Denise, but her decision was made. Kelly hung up the phone and promised to respond within one day. She considered declining and not even telling Matt, but that wasn’t the kind of relationship they had.

You have a new email from the Department of Children and Family Services. The notice on her phone popped up, intruding on her thoughts. She opened the email; it was one sentence with an attachment. “These are the kids we discussed. – Denise H., Case Manager, Department of Children and Family Services”

Kelly opened the attachment and read. She wanted to stop but her eyes scanned the pages without her consent.  She wanted to stop before she found something on these pages that made them real in her mind. For now, they were nameless and faceless, and she wanted to keep it that way. She called her husband at work. He’d definitely say “no” and then she could avoid being the villain. She relied on him to be the voice of reason; unable to bear the guilt of letting others down. 

Careful to keep her incredulities out of the conversation, she repeated what the case worker told her. She forwarded him the email. After a brief chat, they agreed to discuss it tonight, over dinner. Kelly was relieved she wouldn’t have to be the reason for the rejection. There was no chance Matt would be on board with this. 

An hour later Matt called back exclaiming, “I was going to wait until tonight, but I can’t. This is so exciting! We’re going to have two boys! I’ve already told everyone at work!” Kelly fell silent and her stomach knotted. She never dreamed he would consider this, let alone be excited. She wondered if she’d be strong enough to say no now.

**********

Each day brings new and unexpected challenges. Kelly feels like she’s walking through a minefield, especially with Liam. Even after raising two boys of their own plus the training they completed for licensure, they are devastatingly unprepared.

Liam is ten years old. He’s a good-looking kid with beautiful caramel skin, jet-black hair, and piercing brown eyes. Those eyes watch everyone as if it’s their job. He’s thin but gaining weight since he arrived. He’s naturally athletic, excelling at every sport he’s tried so far. Like Luka, he, too, is slow to trust adults. Unlike Luka, he knows things well beyond his age. He is accustomed to taking care of himself. He resists anything resembling affection but is content to stay in this house – for now. For Liam, it’s a business decision. The adults don’t seem violent, there’s plenty of food, and this house is closer to his mom’s. Much closer than the last one. He isn’t sure how to get there from here, but he knows he can figure it out. That is if she doesn’t find him first.

Liam’s been taking care of Luka since he was just a year old. And, man, it’s a lot of responsibility. Luka is always hungry and getting hurt. He constantly falls down and hits his head on things. Liam is the only one who can console him when this happens. If this new mom thinks she can do better, he’d like to see her try. Just today, Kelly took Liam aside to tell him their expectations of him. She told Liam she didn’t want him to have to be a parent to Luka; that was her job. Liam would resent her less if he could trust her. But he couldn’t. “If taking care of Luka is her job, then what is my job,” he wondered? 

“Your job is to be ten", she answered, as if reading his mind. “You’ve had to be an adult your whole life and we want you to be able to be a kid and have fun!” She’s smiling at him, but he doesn’t understand why. Liam has no idea how to “be ten” or “have fun.” He doesn’t care what she thinks about him, but he worries his brother might get attached to these people. That will be a problem when his mom comes back.

And so, several months pass in an unspoken stalemate. Liam carries on parenting Luka, and Kelly continues encouraging him to ride his bike, play video games, or do just about anything else. Tension builds between them, both knowing they are in the right.

**********

It’s fall, two months after the driveway art fiasco, and the brothers begin school at a local elementary. Luka is attending first grade, again, and Liam is starting fifth. Both boys enjoy school and playing with their peers. Liam meets a few boys in class and finds out they live close by. He seems curious about them and tells Kelly they live close enough he could even walk there. He supposed he could also ride his new bike. Kelly and Matt bought him one the week he arrived. He even got to pick it out himself. He chose a bright blue bike with big, but not too big, tires. Liam was tough. He’d fallen off many times but never gave up. Soon he was riding like a pro. He’d never let Luka try, though; he’d fall off for sure.

It's Tuesday, after school, and the boys have finished homework. Liam watches Luka and Kelly kick a soccer ball back and forth in the front yard. She asks him to join in. He wants to but won’t allow himself and ignores her. Luka is yelling in delight and kicking the ball as hard as he can. Kelly doesn’t seem to mind chasing it all over the place, but she is getting tired. Liam can tell because she’s running slower between kicks. Liam waits for Kelly to ask him to take her place, but she doesn’t.

Instead, she turns to him and says, “Hey, why don’t you ride over to your friend’s house and see if he wants to ride bikes with you?” She has suggested this in vain nearly every day for months.

Liam considers this for a moment. He looks back and forth between Luka and Kelly for a few minutes, assessing the level of danger. Luka seems to be fine. Liam’s never seen his brother laugh so hard. He puts his right foot on the pedal and stops, considering his duties and obligations. Then, in a fleeting moment of faith, he pushes the pedal forward and pulls his left foot up off the ground to catch the one coming around. He intentionally rides between Luka and Kelly to ensure they both know he is leaving. Just as he passes the two, Luka runs fast to kick the ball as hard as he can. He misses and falls on the ground, scraping his knee and elbow. He screams and charges in Liam’s direction. Liam hits the brakes. He won’t be leaving after all, he has to take care of Luka. To Liam’s astonishment, Luka ran right past him… to Kelly. She scoops him up in her arms and looks at Liam. She nods to him, indicating it’s going to be ok. “Go ahead Liam, I’ll take care of Luka. He just got a scrape.”

Liam stands frozen atop his bike. He has to make a choice. He looks back over his shoulder at the pair heading for the door and then pedals off toward his friends. Tears run down his face as an unfamiliar emotion emerges and he wonders if this is what ten feels like.