That Time On The Inner Tube

I hate riding on boats.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s summertime. So that means the thing to do is either hang out BY the water, IN the water, or ON the water. Personally, I hate sweating & the wind messing up my hair, so none of those options really appeal to me too much. And they never have. However? I do thoroughly enjoy working on my tan, & even more so than that, drinking. And everybody knows if you’re out on the boat all day, drinking is not only expected, but encouraged. So here I am, on a boat. But at least I get to drink while I’m doing it.

It’s about 2 hours now into our trip around the lake &, you know, it hasn’t been TERRIBLE. I’ll take any chance that I get to spend time out of my house & with my friends, especially after this past year & a half. So, it is what it is. I’ll take what I can get. The sun is hanging perfectly above us in the clear blue sky, probably burning the hell out of my already tanned skin somehow, but I can’t even tell because of the cool breeze coming off of the lake as we jet across it. “Another seltzer, please!” I say to my husband as he rustles through our cooler for more beer. I guess this isn’t SO bad. I’ve already caught a buzz & I’m not driving. So yeah, it definitely could be worse than this. Maybe boating isn’t all that bad.

I’ve never been much for the outdoors. Like, I love beautiful weather, don’t get me wrong. But things like camping or hiking? Yeah, I’m not a fan. I have no shame admitting I like the luxuries of life. Plus, I sweat too much & attract too many bugs on the regular to make a habit out of being out here too long. But everyone else seems to love it so I’ll sacrifice if I have to for my friends to have a good time.

“Wanna go on the tube? Get pulled behind the boat?” My friends says.

“Fuck no!” I respond, & laugh.

I’ve never liked roller coasters but now as I’ve gotten older, I hardly even like the silly rides they have at the county fair. I mean, it’s not like they’re asking me to jump out of a plane or climb a mountain or anything, so maybe I’ll get over myself & give it a try. Eventually. Later. Maybe.

“Another seltzer, babe!” If I’m going to do this, I’ve got to get into the right mindset for it, right? Yeah, my thoughts exactly.

Another hour goes by & everything just feels perfect. The water, the sun, the breeze, the booze. Maybe it’s time to step out of my comfort zone a little bit. Maybe it’s time for later. Eventually. I guess the time is now & it’s here.

“Hey! Hook that tube up for me! I’m ready to give it a whirl!” I yell. No better time for new experiences than the present, am I right?

I take the last swig of my drink & settle myself into the, surprisingly comfortable, inner tube that’s attached to my friends boat. I give myself a pep talk, because of course I do, to get myself into the zone. You’ve got this. You’ll love this. Hang on tight. It’ll be fun. “Let’s do this shit!” I guess I’ll never be anymore ready than I am right now!

As my friends boyfriend takes off, the first few minutes aren’t too bad. Actually, they’re not bad at all! This is amazing! Talk about the ultimate relaxing summer water experience! Damn, I could do this all day! I have no idea why I would’ve been so hesitant before. This is great!

However, I believe I may have spoken too soon. As soon as our driver had gotten us out of range from the other boaters, I watched him make eye contact with my husband. Oh no. They both smirked at each other & nodded, which led me to immediately start yelling about how I wanted off the tube RIGHT NOW! They ignored me. Shocker! I wasn’t surprised.

My friends boyfriend began to accelerate, making the boat go a lot faster, whipping around a little sharper, making sure I hit every wave created by its engine. Okay, okay. It still wasn’t awful; I’ll survive. But I wasn’t about to tell them that! You guys are SO FUNNY! Ha. Ha ha.

But then, yeah, but then I saw it. Fuck. The inner tube obstacle course setup in the lake up ahead. A course full of twist, turns, & ramps to soar off of! Mother fuckers! I’m definitely going to kill all of you once we get to shore!

The first few turns & ramps were okay. I was still on the tube, even if my hair was soaking wet & my makeup in ruins, no matter how expensive my face setting spray was. I was out on the water, I should’ve expected to be a little worse for wear by the time we were done. I’m realistic & I’d live. Even if I hated it.

However, I hadn’t been prepared for the ‘grand finale’ of the course. The ramp to end all amateur ramps. This thing? Yeah. It was intimidating, to say the least. Yep. Definitely killing you dudes once we get to shore. My friend & I were both about to be single widowers here real soon after this!

I closed my eyes as we approached the ramp, opening them slightly to see my friends boyfriend & my husband laughing as he whipped my tube into position for the ramp. Fuck. You. Both! Well, here goes nothing! I guess I don’t have a choice now …

Up, up, up! I went. And then I was in the air, soaring! For what felt like minutes, even though I know it was only seconds. It felt amazing, honestly! Wow! Talk about adrenaline! Maybe, yeah … maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all! Until, yeah … until my tube hit the water. And, damn! It hit with such force, seemingly so abruptly, the tube flipped over almost instantly! And! With my still riding it! Until I wasn’t. At this point, I was swimming up from underneath the water, frantically trying to get to the top for air, since I had no idea how deep I’d traveled down. I knew it couldn’t have been too terribly far, & I knew how to swim, but I still didn’t like being under the water regardless. Finally, I reached the top, gotten my breath, & gotten my bearings on my surroundings. And, as soon as I realized I was okay, I flipped off everyone on our boat as they waited for me several yards away, all of them laughing hysterically.

Out of pettiness, I’m sure of it, I swam towards the nearby dock for refuge, instead of our boat. Fuck you guys! I’m staying on shore for the rest of the day! I’m done with your tricks & shit! It’s time for me to be on dry land! Yeah. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

I finally reached the ladder, after what seemed like forever, & climbed out of the water, & stood on the dock, sticking my tongue out at my friends & my husband in rebellion, as if I were a child. I noticed them all start to laugh even harder & yell to me, waving their arms frantically, but I assumed they just wanted me to swim back out there & I wasn’t having it. I turned around & walked towards the beach. You know, like the badass I thought I was.

At first, I was still in my own little world, pretending like I’d stuck it to everyone for blindsiding me like that, so I didn’t even notice everyone on the beach pointing at me after I’d reached the shore. But … then I saw someone take my picture. And then another one. It was right then that I knew something was off. And funny, you know, that I said, ‘I knew something was off …’ because suddenly it dawned on me I could no longer feel my bikini top tied around my neck! Fuck! Then, as I reached for it I could verify for a fact that it wasn’t there. FUCK! And, as I f in a daze, I took both hands to my chest, & realized not only had my top come untied, it had completely flown off during that last ramp. Even more FUCK! And here I was, confidently walking around this public beach for the past several minutes, completely unaware. And completely fucking topless!

As soon as the realization hit, I turned back towards our boat, & flipped everyone off again. Of course this would happen! Thanks, guys! I’m shocked they could all even breathe at this point because they were all laughing so hard! Mother fuckers! Bet your ass I’m never riding on this boat with you guys EVER again! Funny, real funny. Ha. Ha ha.

Fast forward about a week. I’m now a meme. Apparently there are a lot of really funny phrases you can write over an angry blonde chick coveting up her tits with both hands on the beach that are worthy of going viral. Cool. Because this is how I wanted to become internet famous. Really! Yeah. I feel so honored …

I hate riding on boats.