The Winds of Change

Mara wakes up feeling restless. The night before, her husband Reese made comments about her that made her extremely uncomfortable. As she sits having her morning coffee, she struggles to make sense of them. She is tired of hearing the same character assassination every time they fight.

As the wind swirls around in the dark February morning, Mara feels as though she is that wind, declaring her restlessness to the world. Sometimes she doesn’t even know who she is anymore. She doesn’t have any personal goals, or something to call her own, and she has given herself completely to being a loyal wife and mother. Reese is not supportive, just demands that she be the type of person he wants. Her main goal is to silence him, but part of her knows that that isn’t the right reason to change. Beautiful things aren’t usually born out of resentment.

His jeers echoed in her ears, "You are dead inside. Nothingness. You fail at everything and never complete anything you start" he had said.

Mara knows he isn’t right, that his insults come from a place of hurt. Reese has been hurt a lot in recent years but that didn't make it ok. She is tired of making excuses for him. Mara needs to prove that she is so much more than he gives her credit for. Not just for Reese, but for herself too. The emotional roller-coaster she is constantly on is just like the wind. Blowing and then still, wild, and then calm. Mara wants off this ride, wants to be sure of herself, to been seen, and heard and appreciated. Is that too much to ask?

She finds it challenging to keep her thoughts focused. She does not want to think of all the things that weigh on her. Mara wants to be free and weightless. The desire to run away from everything is strong. She fantasizes about stepping into a completely different life, a fresh start. What would it be like to suddenly walk away from everything?

Without warning, something takes over Mara. Her fantasy is so strong that her feet are subconsciously moving her toward the door. She is no longer concerned about anything. She feels herself slipping away and grabs her keys from the basket by the door. The snow is starting to fall, the Weather Network said 10-20 cm, but she knows it will probably be more. This snow squall is dangerous, but Mara doesn’t care. She wants to escape so badly that she doesn't notice the cold or wet. She fights the door open, slipping through the crack barely before it slams shut catching the edge of her robe, and holding her there for just a moment before she breaks free. She knows nobody will hear her; they are all asleep.

Mara starts her car and turns around in the driveway. She has no plans, no money, and no jacket. She needs time to think. It bothers her that Reese has gotten to her again. Reese had always had outbursts, but latetly they had been different. His mood swings always left her exhausted and in survival mode. More than anything she wanted to be out of survival mode! To her, it felt like her whole adult life had been in fight or flight.

The fresh snow is kicking up and swirling and she struggles to see. A voice from somewhere inside herself says, “You shouldn’t be out here, It’s not safe.”

“Who cares anymore?” she says aloud. “What does it matter?" Soon, hot tears are streaming down her face. It felt like the whole relationship had been fake, Reese’s hate for her always loomed so close under the surface.

Mara drives aimlessly around, not paying attention to where she is. The road is deserted, the snow blowing away any tracks from a previous traveler. Suddenly the car slips on the ice and Mara tries to gain control, but the car careens to the left, smashing through a snowbank and into a tree well. Mara looses consciousness. She wakes a few moments later, her head pounding.

“Oh no!” she says aloud. She tastes blood. Great, Reese is going to be so upset with her.

Mara is sleepy. She must have a slight concussion. Her body feels weak and uncoordinated. She pushes on the door but it’s jammed shut. The wind and snow are thick and heavy, and it starts to set in that Mara is buried. How long was she out for? She begins to panic and looks for her phone, a sense of claustrophobia setting in. It becomes clear to her that she had neglected to bring her phone. She imagines it sitting on the counter, next to her coffee cup, in her warm house. The snow around her dampens any sound and she begins to feel isolated. Mara thought she knew the meaning of loneliness. She had lain awake at night more than once thinking that the world was big, and she was small.

Before things had changed so drastically, Mara loved her life. She had great friends, and a loving family. Sure, her and Reese didn’t always get along, but that could be expected. They spent most of their time together and she would often hear people say “I don’t know how you can live together and work together. I couldn’t do it!” Mara took pride in it, and sometimes she felt as though they were a power couple. She loved the opportunity that Reese had given her when he chose to start a business. After her kids went off to school full time it seemed natural to fill the role of administrator. It wasn't perfect and there were struggles, but she loved her job and was proud of her contributions. But when Reese was mentally broken down, and didn’t want to run the business anymore, she had fallen too and neither of them knew how to help the other one back up. She had been so ungrateful and hard on him at the time, and it had pushed him into another woman’s arms.

His affair had been a long distance emotional one, and it had almost ruined them. She had eventually forgiven him but the resentment and mistrust still lingered.

Still fuzzy, Mara feels chilled. She isn’t sure what time it is, but she knows it must be evening because the snow on the windows is darkening. She wraps her house coat tightly around herself to try and stay warm. How stupid could she be leaving the house with no lifeline?

With nothing to distract her, Mara is alone with her thoughts. Was anyone looking for her? She starts to pray. “God, I know that I haven’t been able to talk to you for a while, but are you there?”

Even as a little girl, Mara felt a keen sense of spirituality. She vividly recalls swinging in her parents’ backyard. She would make wishes upon the stars, passionately believing that her aspirations were being heard by a higher power.

Sitting in the car, cold, with her stomach aching with the beginnings of hunger, she begins to have visceral flashbacks of her traumatic past. Things she had buried years ago, or so she thought.

She is nineteen again, partying, and getting mixed into the wrong crowd. Mara should have known Mitchell was a bad seed. The night they met she was intoxicated and her guard was down. Mitchell was terribly annoying and got under her skin. She wasn’t planning on calling him after that night at the club, but he pursued her, and his accolades toward her drew her in. He made himself sound smart, successful, and wealthy, even though he was only seventeen. None of it made sense and should have been a huge red flag, but she bought it anyway. He called her his Angel.

She is unable to recall when it changed, but quickly and like a switch it did. He was manipulative and told her that if she could be good for 6 years then he would marry her. If she could prove that she was worthy and patient and let him do his thing until then it would show him that she could make the cut. To anyone else that would sound insane, but his charm had a weird effect on her and it drew her in deeper. He demanded space but kept her on the hook, and began going out every night with his friends. She was never invited and instead of doing her own thing, she ditched everyone in her life and sat around waiting for him. Mara would fall asleep, in tears, wondering who he was with or what he was doing. But always, without fail, she would hear a tap at the window and there he would be, needing a place to crash. She’d let him in, and he’d crawl through the basement window. It was enough for her; to have him at the end of the night. She was fooled into believing that it was ok, this manipulation. Now she recognizes that he was exploiting her vulnerability.

About a year into the relationship, she moved into Mitchell’s parents’ house with him. That’s when it got extremely toxic. Mara was so busy trying to chase Mitchell around and please him that she stopped taking care of herself. She worked a part time job so she had little money. All her money went to gas for the car so Mitchell could drive around and pick up his friends. She did not have an appetite and couldn’t afford to eat anyway. They never stayed at his parents’ house long enough to have a home cooked meal, and so many times Mara would only have ichiban noodles. She was tall and skinny but still felt huge next to the other girls Mitchell always flirted with. She felt invisible and hated the way he made her feel. She got good at ignoring her hunger and when her pants became loose and started to fall off, she was in such denial that she blamed the pants for being cheap and stretching out.

Mara thinks about the vicious fights between them. She can still feel the pinches that would cause deep bruising on her skin. What the people at the gym must have thought when she would go work out, this too skinny girl with bruises everywhere. Was it her who threw the first punch, drew first blood? Was it something she deserved? All she knows is that she fought back. The screams and crashes of things flying around the bedroom even brought his parents downstairs one time, their voices softly coming from beneath the door saying, “that’s enough, you two.” Whether they were scared to intervene, or didn’t understand the severity of it, she'll never know.

Mara is so rattled by the shame and guilt of these memories that she can feel the bile rising in her throat. How could she have let all that happen? It all seemed very white trash to her now. Her parents had been extremely worried, but the more they pushed her to get away, the more she went towards him. She was isolated.

Being with Mitchell had changed the course of her life forever. She had come out of it barely alive. She became so malnourished and skinny that her body began to betray her, and she lost normal function in her right hand. Six months later, she received a life-altering diagnosis of MS that would reminded her of her choices forever.

Eventually Mitchell moved out of his parents’ house and left her there . She began walking. She found it distracted her, but it also helped her feel grounded. With Mitchell's absence, she found herself able to breathe more easily and began to regain her strength.

It was Reese who had saved her. He came along and pulled her out of the ashes. He was someone that didn’t care where she had come from and saw how beautiful she was on the inside. To him, she was not tainted by the trauma she had endured. He was her protector, and she always felt safe, worthy and loved with him. He gave off this sense that he could not believe how lucky he was. They fell madly in love.

She memories of all the sweet ways Reese had shown her love in those first months Come flooding in. Even though she lived with her ex’s parents he would show up every day after work, just to bring her a Pepsi and smoke a joint together. They would drive around and laugh and listen to music, share stories. Reese showed her what real love and friendship felt like. That was her favorite part of their relationship. They were friends before they were lovers and had built a solid foundation on that.

As Mara sits in the cold, buried car, she does not feel scared because her memories keep her warm. She wonders if there is another reason for her calmness and considers whether her plea for help has been heard. She wonders if a higher power is with her now. She starts to feel grateful for all Reese has been to her. She realizes that her masculine tendency to control every situation has affected her relationship with him. Consistently aiming to validate her own perspective rather than pausing to reflect and understand has made him feel undermined. She has never embraced her feminine side and has always been in survival mode. Waves of grief are hitting her as she understands the mistake she’s made. She finally has a 40,000 ft. view, seeing things as they really are.

Of course, Reese loves her! If he didn’t, he wouldn’t still be doing all the sweet things to try and make her smile and laugh, he wouldn’t open his heart to her and be so vulnerable, especially after so many peopled had called him crazy for his beliefs. And although she would say she has been supportive, she understands now that she has not been. She has not shown him the love and grace he deserves. She questioned, challenged, and disagreed with him. He responded with similar intensity. At that moment, she recognized the impact of her actions and her role in all of this. She owes him a better version of herself. He saved her once upon a time and now it’s her time to soften and save this relationship.

Mara begins to pray. “God, please, I ask for forgiveness. Allow me to let my guard down so I can see through my hurt, pain, and resentment. Allow me to accept love and give love without expectation or consequence. Hold Reese and I in your arms and protect our love for each other and allow us to see ourselves through your eyes and your perfect vision of us.” Her prayers calm her, and she dozes off to sleep, feeling peace within herself. She is inherently aware that everything will be ok.

A banging sound wakes her. It seems brighter now, and she can feel movement around the car and hear muffled voices. Her mouth is dry and crusted, but she knows this is her chance and she starts to scream for help. Moments pass and as her rescuers finally uncover the windows and dig around the door, she sees Reece’s face through the windshield. He looks devastated. Mara realizes that it’s morning again. Had she survived the night? The storm was over! As the firefighters pull her from the car she looks up and sees a big sundog around the bright orb of the sun. Mara fills with so much gratitude and love for her life that she begins to cry sweet tears of joy. Everything she sees seems like a miracle.

Reese rushes over and takes stock of her standing in her housecoat and slippers, hair matted with blood where she had wacked her head. “I have never seen you so beautiful!” he says “I was so worried that you were gone forever. Please don’t ever leave me like that again. I may not always tell you or show you in the right ways that I love you, but you are everything to me and I could not live without you.”

She smiles. “Oh, Reese I love you too, and I am sorry that I haven’t made these last four years easy on you. I was resentful and I couldn’t see that I was a big part of the dysfunction of our relationship. I promise to trust you and let these walls down so that we can love each other and be happy. I see things so differently now. I am grateful you are here.”

Reese looks at her incredulously “Did you think I wouldn’t look for you, that I would be happy you were gone?” he asks.

“For a moment, yes, but I realize how foolish that was,” she says, her eyes focusing on the ground.

Reese gently lifts her chin “I will always find you Mara, always believe in your heart that I am there regardless of how we are getting along.” They hug tightly.

After five minutes of standing there holding each other Mara looks around. She cannot believe that she survived. The car is wrecked, and the impact appears to have caused snow from the tree to cover most of the vehicle. As she sat inside, the squall drifted more snow around her. No wonder it took so long for them to find her. She knows that God had not only protected her but also allowed her to visit the things that were meant to teach her a lesson. Life offers lessons, and it's up to us to receive and use them effectively. How can she expect change from others if she didn't start with herself? She has everything she needs within herself; it's up to her to harness that power for a fulfilled life. Mara is happy for the first time in a long time. She is entering her soft girl era. She's loaded into the ambulance and Reese kisses her goodbye before the door closes.

I'll meet you there, he says, I love you."