Strawberry Yoghurt

— Hello, Doctor.

— Come in, have a seat. What seems to be the problem?

— Well, I think I’ve got a bit of… low self—esteem. It just won’t go away.

— Any other symptoms?

— I think I’m also having a career crisis. Constant issues with my boss at work. I’ve tried everything—courses, meditation, detox — but nothing helps.

— Anything else?

— I can’t seem to build a relationship with men either. And, you know, when I drink too much—which is rare, of course—but when it happens, I have this attention—seeking thing. I feel like there’s something else, too, but I can’t remember right now.

— Any physical symptoms?

— Mostly in my stomach. Sometimes in my throat.

— Got it. Sounds like it's your mother.

— I’m sorry, what?

— Your mother. You’ll have to delete her.

— Delete her?

— Exactly. How often do you talk to her?

— Usually in the mornings. More on weekends.

— I see. And how do you feel after those interactions?

— Drained.

— Of course. Let’s check your throat… Hmm, it’s irritated. Did you yell today?

— I did.

— Your eyes are red and puffy. Have you been crying?

— A little… Doctor, is it really possible to delete your own mother?

— Why not? What, is she a saint?

— But… that’s insane.

— You know what’s insane? Putting up with this. Let me see your file. Have you done this before?

— I have.

— How many times?

— A couple of times. You see, I have this really important job interview tomorrow. It’s my dream job! I need to be in top shape, to show my best self… but I feel completely wrecked.

— Couple of times? Your entire record is just deletions! When was your first one?

— When I was 18.

— At this rate, you’re going to run out of people. Any other family left?

— My sister. But we don’t really talk anyway. Are there… side effects?

— Of course. There are always side effects.

— Like what?

— Well, in your case, since this is your last significant relative, you’ll feel a total void inside. Possible bouts of selfishness. A lack of empathy.

— Can you live with that?

— Absolutely. In fact, your life expectancy might even increase. A void inside! But the best part is, you get to decide what to fill it with.

— Seriously? Wish I’d known that sooner.

— There’s more: you’ll start making decisions without second—guessing yourself. You’ll choose people based on your needs, not your insecurities. So? Should we delete her, or are you planning to tough it out a little longer?

— Do a lot of people delete their entire families?

— Oh, every fifth patient! You think you’re the only one? Please! Most CEOs are walking around without a mom or a dad. And you know what else?

— What?

— The most successful, richest people... they don’t have anyone.

— No way!

— Believe it.

— I knew it. They always looked too happy.

— Exactly. So, do you want to ace that dream job interview tomorrow, or keep torturing yourself?

— Let’s do it.

— Wonderful. Do you want the farewell package?

— Is it free?

— It’s included in your insurance.

— Okay, sure.

— Pick a code word.

— A code word?

— Any word. Once you say it, the deletion process will start automatically.

— I don’t know… nothing comes to mind.

— What did you have for breakfast?

— This morning? 

— No, last month!

— Uh, god. Yogurt. Strawberry yogurt.

— Perfect. Say “strawberry yogurt,” and the system will erase your mom. Head to that room over there, sit in the chair, and I’ll attach the sensors. You can call your mom on video while I set it all up here. 

***

— Hi, Mom.

— Oh, hi. Did you go to the doctor? Make it quick—I’m about to head into the city.

— So… the thing is… he said I need to delete you.

— Sorry I misheard, delete who?

— You. I’m as shocked as you are.

— And you agreed?

— Well, the doctor says it’ll help. My relationships with men will improve, work will feel more fulfilling…

— Are you out of your mind?

— It’s just… nowadays, it’s not really necessary

— Having a mother isn’t necessary anymore? A mother!I gave birth to you, and now I’m disposable?

— Mom, you deleted Dad.

— Don’t compare! You know that was completely different.

— How?

— Because I did it for you! 

— Mum, the doctor said this is best for me. 

— Whatever. You know what? If you’ve decided, go ahead! I’ve got another daughter, thank God. Masha would never do this to me.

— I didn't mean to hurt you... 

— Thanks God you grandma isn't with us anymore and I don't have to explain it to her why her granddaughter isn't visiting us any more. 

— I'm sorry... 

— Did you eat today? You look terrible again.

— I always look like this.

— That’s because you don’t wear makeup. How many times have I told you to put on a little makeup?

— Mom…

— And heels! If you wore heels, all the men would be chasing you.

— I don’t need all the men.

— Fine, but Masha does! At least help her find someone. You’re not going to delete her, are you?

— There’s a two—for—one deal…

— Over my dead body! I didn’t raise you so you could just erase everyone! I scrubbed floors, collected bottles, just to put food on your table!

— Yeah I remember our house was always full of bottles. 

— Every night I'm thinking about you and Masha. I can’t sleep. She’s completely lost, and you don’t even call her.

— Mom…

— Do you even know she’s still recovering from her breakup with that idiot.

— Poor Masha. What a tragedy.

— Couldn’t you support your little sister for once? She’s struggled her whole life.

— And you think my life’s been easy?

— Hasn’t it? You’ve always been so lucky.

— Lucky? Sure, Mom. I’m so lucky. Thanks to you, I’m cheerful and well—adjusted. People love being around me. I laugh all day and crack jokes. All because I grew up in such a healthy family. I’m lucky. So damn lucky.

Oh, stop making up trauma. You think your mother’s holding you back?

— Mom, I...

— I gave everything to you! Everything! I worked three jobs!

— I didn’t ask you to! I’m tired of being grateful, okay? I don’t want to be guilty for the life you didn’t live!

— You think it’ll be easier without me?

— I don’t know.

— You know I love you. Nobody will ever love you like your mother does.

— I know. I love you too. 

— Who’ll you turn to when things go wrong? Who’ll be there to comfort you? 

— I won’t need it anymore. 

— What do you mean?

— What if I succeed? What if I don’t need to cry on your shoulder anymore?

— Don’t be ridiculous. You know what kind of world this is. It’s full of sharks.

— Would you be happy for me if I did?

— Sweetheart, people like us don’t survive at the top.

— What if I did?

— You wouldn’t last a day.

— Mom, would you be happy?

— Would you? 

— Strawberry yogurt.

— What yogurt? What are you talking about? I’m just trying to protect you! 

— Strawberry yogurt. Why isn’t this working?!

— We’re all we’ve got, you hear me? If you fall, we’ll catch you. If I fall, you’ll... 

— STRAWBERRY YOGURT, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!