Day One

Day 1

My sisters and I are doing Dry January this year.

This was not my idea. In fact, full disclosure, Day 1 is already a bust. I was doing shots after midnight, and then when I woke up I finished the beer on my bedtime table. But that was before I even realized what day it was.

It was my younger sister Genevieve’s idea to do this, and she got Lill and Jane on board, a few days before New Year’s Eve. We were all at Mom’s house, celebrating her birthday (December 27) - usually for Mom’s birthday we congregate at home with her for dinner and cake, and then go out to the pub all together. After dinner, I was making coffee, and they came running over to me, all excited. It was hard for me to say no to them, when they were all on the same page like that.

It’s not really a big deal, especially now that the holidays are over. Just a little time to detox and feel healthy moving into 2024. But I don’t know if I would have agreed to it except for Lill. It was Genevieve’s idea, but Lill - I’ve hardly been able to look her in the eye since her birthday. I just nod and say yes to anything she says lately, so I can stop remembering what happened. So when she came up to me at Mom’s birthday and asked me to do it with her - she said she’s been trying to lose 15 pounds and she feels like this will help - I just said yes quickly and went to watch TV with Jane.

Day 2

I wasn’t intending to document the month like this. Genevieve and Lill and Jane aren’t doing anything like this, I’m sure. But I’ve always journaled. I write every day, unless I’m not feeling well, so it feels natural to kind of keep track of the month this way.

Last night and this morning, I had texts from my sisters asking about the challenge (“Noreen! How’s it going so far?”), but I’m sure they’ll run out of steam in a few days. It’ll be Genevieve’s 21st birthday in two weeks, after all, on January 17. This will be the first year we can all go out together. Well, with no one using a fake ID. I can’t imagine Genevieve wanting to miss that.

Day 3

I was going to see Roger tonight, and break up with him. I’m only 27, and Roger has become a drag. I was nervous about it - we’ve dated on and off for years, and he’s like family. I was about to break my dry challenge promise and do a shot - liquid courage, to get up the nerve to tell him - when he texted me, ending it. In a freaking text.

I had this weird feeling - I was worried that Genevieve would be crushed. He’s been a part of her life ever since she was 14 years old, which was when we started dating. It was also the year Dad died, suddenly, of a massive heart attack.

Genevieve and Roger were talking a lot on Mom’s birthday. Mom got a puzzle for her birthday and the three of them were sitting around the table doing it, but I could tell Roger and Genevieve were having a separate conversation the whole time.

Day 5

I ended up drinking the night Roger ended it. I didn’t call him after getting his text - I called Genevieve, and the weird thing was that she didn’t sound surprised.

Whatever. I’ll get back to the whole dry January thing. I didn’t drink today, so it’s not like it’s that hard.

Day 6

My sisters are driving me crazy. Genevieve especially.

We are extremely close. I think they owe that to me. How many older sisters want their little sisters clustered around them all the time? My high school boyfriend, Dave, and I used to bring all three of them to the movies for dates. Dave was so sweet about it. Later on he told me he was gay, so I guessed that made him welcome the distraction - like, it’s not like he wanted us to be making out or anything. We’re still good friends. His little brother Andrew has had a crush on Lill for a while, which is so cute because they’re both really shy. Like Lill needs three shots just to say hi to a stranger at the bar, and Andrew is the same.

Genevieve is being sort of intense about this dry thing. She’s been texting us all about it every day, to see how we’re doing. It feels weird. Like, I’m used to fibbing about drinking - the doctor always gets an adjusted report when she asks me, “How many alcoholic beverages do you usually consume per week?” - but now I feel like I’m straight lying sometimes.

Day 12

I’ve been talking with Jane about the plans for Genevieve’s birthday, and they suck. Like it’s fine, but not the way the McAllisters usually celebrate another year around the sun.

Like Lill’s 23rd birthday was LIT. We started at Dave and Andrew’s house - they have a rented house, them and two other guys who are super-fun - and their parties are awesome. They don’t usually do parties with like a guest of honor like this, but you know, Andrew is so sweet about Lill, and Dave and I are still good friends. I actually thought Lill and Andrew might hook up on her birthday, but I don’t think it happened.

Dave and Andrew are so sweet. They even invited Mom and Uncle Patrick for the first part of the evening, and Lill loved that. She and Mom are really close. Uncle Patrick is Mom’s brother, and they are best friends. I don’t know if they were always good friends, because I don’t remember him around that much before Dad died. But for the past seven years, he has been there for her, always and in all the ways.

But as much as Lill loved it, it was weird having Mom there. She got intense before she left, like held my face in her hands and told me to take it easy and to watch out for my sisters. I’d already had a few shots by then, and I saw Uncle Patrick looking at me from over Mom’s shoulder, and it all just rubbed me the wrong way.

I can’t even write about the rest of the party. I mean, it was so much fun, but the way it ended was just mortifying. I felt like I ruined it for Lill, like I ruined her birthday.

Probably because I did.

Day 14

I’ve been thinking about Roger and getting so angry about how he broke up with me. I know I wanted to end it, but I was planning to actually talk to him face to face. I was getting so bored with him - he was so career-focused, and he always wanted to stay home and watch movies and talk about the future. But he was still family. He was so there for me when Dad died.

Ugh. Can’t think about Dad today.

Day 16

I was just looking back and realized I never really wrote about Genevieve’s birthday plans.

So get this - she wants to go see a musical, The Lion King, just the four of us sisters and Mom, and then Uncle Patrick is going to pick us up in the city and take us out for ice cream, and drive us all home. They all think it’s hilarious because Uncle Patrick is a limo driver, like for a living, so he’ll be picking us up in his limo.

I called Jane about it today, and was like, seriously, is this what Gen wants to do for her birthday? I know she wanted to do the musical but I just figured we’d end up at Lucky’s (our favorite pub) afterward. Which, we probably will, but that’s why I called Jane.

“No,” she said to me, and her voice sounded weird. “I mean, we’re doing the Dry January thing anyway, right? Like, you’re still doing it, Noreen, right?”

Now, right now Jane is the only sister I really feel comfortable talking to, and I did not want to mess that up, so I knew what I had to say. “Yeah.”

Day 17

The party for Genevieve is tonight, and my stomach has been twisted in knots all day. It is pretty clear that all three of my sisters have been doing the dry January thing, which I honestly thought it was a joke after the first few days. It didn't really occur to me that I was failing at anything, and yet I obviously am.

I don't even care about not drinking, but shouldn't I be able to do it?

I'm not going to drink while I’m with them celebrating. It would be too intense. Especially since Lill’s birthday.

I am drinking right now - just a glass of red. It’s warming me up inside, calming me down, too. After this, no more - I don’t need the grief. Well, like maybe a tiny bit more, like a half-glass if I’m still feeling jittery. But that’s it. And I won’t have anything at the show, or anything afterward. I mean, I guess I won’t be able to if we’re all together and everyone is being kind of weird.

The thing is, this all feels weird. I’m the oldest. The other girls are stair steps - Lill is 23, Jane is 22, and Genevieve, as of today, is 21 - and they have always looked up to me, and - well, I feel like if what happened at Lill’s party hadn’t happened, it wouldn’t be like this.

Ugh. It wasn’t even anything major. I just got sick. Like, so sick, all over Dave’s house. I woke up in one of his roommate’s rooms, in their bed, and I’d been sick everywhere.

Ugh, I really can’t even think about it. It makes me feel so terrible. I’ve gotten like that before, maybe once or twice, but only in front of Roger or friends. Not my sisters. And - Lill hasn’t said a word to me about it, but I guess I must have ruined her birthday, because she’s been so quiet around me ever since. The only one who has really been normal is Jane.

I’m going to stick by Jane tonight. And - yeah. I’ll get some gum or something on the way to the theatre. I’m going to go now. There’s still a half bottle of the red left and I want to leave before I get even more squirrely and end up drinking it.

Day 18

What a freaking mess.

It’s fine. I have plenty of friends who aren’t best friends with their sisters.

Day 19

I still can’t even freaking handle what they did.

I don’t even know how to write about it. And for me, I can’t always talk about it, but I can always write about it.

Because that’s how big of a betrayal this is. My three little sisters, who I’ve taken care of my whole goddamn life, have made a fool of me.

Day 20

I called in sick today.

I drank all day Saturday and Sunday. Today, I drank a little when I woke up - like I finished my beer from last night, and then just had a couple of mimosas - but I need to get back on track so I can be at work tomorrow.

I haven’t even wanted to write about what happened at Genevieve’s birthday celebration, but I think maybe I need to.

Dry January was basically a sham. They were all in on it, and it was all about me.

When I got to the musical, I guess Genevieve could smell the wine on my breath. (Why didn’t I brush my teeth before I left?) She yelled at me, told me she wasn’t drinking on her 21st birthday so that she could support me, and if I was going to show up drunk, I should just go home.

So I did.

My kid sisters all want me to stop drinking. They think I have a problem.

It was all Genevieve’s scheming, and I was right that it all started with Lill’s birthday. I got a little out of control, one time, and they decided to gang up on me and pretend that they all wanted to do a Dry January.

They didn’t want to.

They just wanted me to stop drinking.

Day 21

I went to work today. See? I want to text them all and tell them. I’m fine. I’m functional. I’m doing stuff.

I’m home now. There’s wine in the fridge, but I might pour it out so I’m not tempted.

I don’t want to talk to anyone to -

Day 22

It took me a minute to remember why I stopped writing mid-sentence yesterday, but it was because there was a knock at the door, which in this day and age is a really unsettling thing. Like I thought maybe I was going to be murdered, but it turned out it was just my uncle Patrick at the door, which was weird enough anyway.

“Hi,” he said. “Can we talk?”

I love Uncle Patrick, but I had no idea why he was there, why he was on my doorstep on a day when everything in my family was so bonkers. I invited him in, because he’s family.

“You’re probably wondering why I’m here,” he said after he got settled.

I nodded.

“I heard what the girls did,” he said, “and I understand you must be furious with them.”

I could feel my face get hot. “They’re wrong,” I said simply.

“Noreen,” he said, his voice gentle, “did I ever tell you where I was the day your dad died?”

I was suddenly about to cry. Talking about Dad could do that to me, out of nowhere. He died of a heart attack a week before my twenty-first birthday, and I really try not to talk about it or think about it if I can help it.

“I was in jail,” Uncle Patrick continued.

I let an expletive slip before I could stop myself. He laughed, a big, hearty laugh.

“Yes,” he said. “I’d gotten drunk, and into a bar fight. It was hours before your mom could even reach me. Once she did, I wished I was the one who’d died. Your dad -” His voice choked up a little. They were best friends, I knew.

“I made a change that day,” he said. “I made a change, and a promise. Can I tell you more?”

I told him he could. I didn’t feel I had a choice.

Day 23

After he left, Uncle Patrick left me with a list. A few names and phone numbers. A few addresses, in-person and Zoom, for meetings.

“You’ve been holding everything together for a really long time, Noreen,” he said, hugging me, before he left. “I’ve been watching you. You don’t have to do this alone.”

I was so strung out when he left. I walked out the door to the gas station down the street and bought a six-pack. For the first time in my life, I cracked one open on the way home. It was gone before I hit my front door.

Day 24

Genevieve has been calling me non-stop. I’ve ignored every call. I can’t talk to her right now.

I don’t know how to bounce back from this.

Today I called in sick to work to drink.

What the hell is happening?

Day 25

I haven’t even been looking at my phone, so when there was another knock at the door this morning, I assumed it would be Mom, or maybe Uncle Patrick, sent by Mom to check on me.

It wasn’t.

It was Lill.

She has always been my best friend. Genevieve and Jane would pair up, and then me and Lill.

Lill is four years younger than me, which has always felt like a big gap, less so as we get older.

But when Dad died - me 20 years old, Lill only 16 - that gap felt really big. I was an adult. She was a kid.

I let her in. She didn’t sit at the table like Patrick did. She stood in the doorway of my living room, surveying the mess. I felt hot and suddenly angry.

“Just leave if you’re here to judge me,” I said to her. I barely recognized my own voice.

“I didn’t come here to judge,” she said, her voice shaking. “I came here because Uncle Patrick said I should tell you about what happened the night of my birthday.”

“I got drunk and stupid,” I said. “I’m sorry. Get over it.”

“You slept with Andrew,” she said simply.

I froze.

I do not remember that night at all.

“I woke up in his roommate’s room,” I whispered.

“No,” she said. Her voice was calm now, no longer shaking. “It was his room. He remembers. I don’t care about him anymore, Noreen. But you - you’ve spent your whole life taking care of all of us. You can’t do it anymore.”

She got up to go.

“You need to let us take care of you now.”

Day 26

I cried all night.

When I woke up, I texted Uncle Patrick. He said he’d come pick me up. I rode to my first AA meeting in a limo, which my sisters will find hilarious whenever I’m able to talk to them again.

I don’t know how to do things differently. I don’t know how to let people like Uncle Patrick help me. I’m not even sure that I need help.

I just know that dry January was a bust.

But maybe, also, it wasn’t.