The Night I Remebered Her

My night alone with myself

This was a very long night, it had much to do with thoughts, I don’t like those kinds of thoughts in which my heart seems to enjoy visiting time to time. It’s never mentioned how whimsical it has been while visiting these thoughts, but it endures its epiphany, it has its charm. There are many stories, but one in particular seems to repeat itself, the one in the mirror. The ONE, myself. I hear my voice louder than most as I simultaneously hear everyone else’s. It’s a strange moment to navigate through, yet it’s a familiar one. The conversations, ebbing and flowing, the dissertations of the emotions and tribulations, also, ebbing and flowing. The lack of comparison, the lack of compassion from others, the lack of any emotional contribution, I had it all for myself. Living in one’s head is a very difficult task, yet a successful one, it is one’s own after all, who is to say differently. The energy provided to those who don’t perceive it as such, pains me the most. It’s not about the heartache, it’s mainly about the act. My story is as follows:

Being one who wears many hats, I am accustomed to wear such a reality. I take care of those in my circle and those out of it. Limited as to how I do so, very little triggers me, very much of it shakes me. I’ve always taken care of everyone’s heart that belongs to me, I learned the hard way, it’s not always reciprocated. A hard pill to swallow yet one lesson learned. My name is Paulette; I believe I was born to help those without a clue. Not to say that they have no clue, just to say that they don’t see it as I do. My heart burns for them yet I’m fulfilled with them. I hate how this feels, the dichotomy of it all. I’m learning boundaries yet distance as a result and it breaks my heart yet it stabilizes my peace. It’s like a taco, one chooses to put spicy sauce and the other doesn’t, I always chose spicy, serves me right. I know it, it’s how I felt. There were times when I was judged and times when I’ve judged, Not an easy topic to disclose, but easy enough to disclose to others. I never did and I was one to have been the topic of discussion. It’s not my cup of tea but it became a tea on my mantle, I allowed it and was silenced by silence, had words, many for those who needed to hear them, yet I was silenced by those who wanted to silence me, a game in a poem. A love affair of the wittiest if you will. It gathered itself. I was young when I was trifled with, I wasn’t a rebellious child, per say, but she’d say differently. I remembered how hate felt like and I wanted to shut it down. The only way to do so was to be the fool. I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, but I did and I was. To say the least, I owe my younger self more love than she was given, more than she deserved.

Paulette, I am so sorry you trusted too many people who asked for it. I am sorry you were hurt by your immediate trust circle, being your family. I am sorry for all you endured, but I am so proud of you, proud that you stood on your own, proud that you crawled to a cross in the middle of a street and found this church to just sit underneath in peace with. I am proud of you for being as strong as you are to crawl out of all this insanity. I am sorry I kept us there for too long, I had to understand and heal, took me a minute, still at it. I know you are as patient as I am, I need time to get into a new us. Time will lecture us, time will heal us. Until then, I am sorry for not knowing how to navigate us but I don’t blame it on anyone, life is and will always be a learning mechanism. No matter the circumstance, it will always suck ass when it comes to change, it always has, need I remind you of it all? I don’t, it’s the depressing side of it all that gets more attention, why? Because it’s easily accessible, tears are seen, lack of energy is noted, blank eyes are felt, the one with a broken heart, is not always seen when she gives herself to everyone who needs her and it’s a blanket statement and emotion. It’s hard but not unattainable, it's just a matter of breathing? The most important thing I’d want you to learn is to breathe, for Gods' sake, I never realized how impacting it is to our panic attacks. I know it’s the most difficult thing to wrap your head around, right now, just hold your face with both hands and take a very deep breath. It’s going to get harder, but we get through it and you are much stronger than you think, I am still here, I will always be here.

 In addition to it all, Dance, canoe, do everything you told people you like to do yet haven’t, just be!!! Accept yourself, not one person has that much power to make you someone you are not. Don’t allow yourself to waste so much precious time as I have, live. Never allow any one to choose your days and nights, your hellos and goodbyes. Allow yourself, Paulette, to love who you are and accept your own heart to beat in its own rhythm. If I, as an adult, have learned anything, it was to teach our young to smile. 

I ,47 yr old Paulette, see you clearly, I know who and why and how you are and have become. I’m sad for it, know about it, but proud that you are centered. It will hurt in the future, you will fall, many times, but you will also rise. You have healed me, you and I have finally merged into one, you have the gift we all seeked, the one that soothes, the gift of forgiveness, the gift of peace, I love you!!!