My Apology

August 1

I didn't realize what I had until it was gone. I didn't realize how much I needed you, how much I misunderstood you. I didn't realize just how much I was ungrateful for.

August 2

I miss being you. Being the YOU I understood. But now I'm not anymore. I'm just..me. I should clarify, in case anyone finds these letters. These are my letters of apology.

August 3

My name is Ruben, and as you're aware, I'm 35 years old. These last few months have been pretty rough on me. I've escaped a near death situation, but now I'm in hot water. I found myself at the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn't even realize the mess I got myself into. I had promised myself I wouldn't. I wouldn't fall to temptation so easily. I wasn't like the others… I lied.

August 4

I'm on the run from a gang. I confiscated money from a guy who is supposedly a collector for the debts owed to them. Now because of me they don't have their money and I'm being hunted. I can't stay in one place long anymore.

August 5

This isn't how things were supposed to end. I was gonna get a scholarship to the university of my dreams. I would've become an accountant, working in a bank somewhere. Living in fear wasn't what I had in mind at all. Living on the run wasn't either, but I.. I can't help it now. When they find me I know it's over with. I know you would probably ask, "if they're after the money why not just return it? Save yourself the trouble." The problem with that is.. I spent it all. I spent that cursed money on more food, housing items and even some new clothes. I was loaded after all! No court of law would have let me keep the money. I would've been in a bad predicament. I had to do what was best for me!

August 6

So not only did I steal money from a gang debt collector, I also didn't return to its rightful owners either. I've committed a crime that can never be taken back. My life as an accountant is over before it even begins! I was foolish! So so so so so so so so so so foolish! I dragged my name through the mud. How can you ever forgive me?

August 7

It's over. I have no more food. No more places to hide. They're everywhere. And the guilt is eating me alive. I wished I could've done differently. That I could've turned out differently. If only I hadn't been so greedy and selfish. I—

August 8

I managed to escape by sheer luck. Someone called the cops because they heard screaming last night and apparently it came from my apartment. It must've been the dream I had. I dreamt of being caught by them. Their wicked and devious grins made their intent towards me clear. If I was ever caught it would be the end of me no doubt. They would probably have me first recollect the money owed to them, then have me killed or worse. What could be worse? I don't even wanna think about the gruesomeness of my funeral. If I even have a body when they're done with me… there's a plus to all this. I-it could just be a big misunderstanding. Y...yeah… a misunderstanding and that they just wanna make sure I...I don't talk. Make sure no one else sees anything. If...if I swear I didn't see or hear anything about their work method they…they ought to let me go. I mean I'm just a civilian! I have nothing to do with their life! Th… that must be it.

August 9

I… I overheard the news today. Someone who was in their ranks was killed. We don't know if it was by someone else, but it's extremely likely they were killed by their boss. I… I'm done for...if I'm caught they'll kill me! I have to get out of town, out of this country! St...staying here any longer means at any minute I'll be killed. M...maybe I could fake my death...y...yeah that's a thing, right? Pretend you're dead, get a fake license and stuff…th...that must be the way to go. Then not even the police will know about what I've done. What I've been involved in.

August 10

I...I know this is not what you wanted...not what you were expecting. I know that! I...I messed up big time! I...I have no right to say this, but please know I never intended for things to end like this. I never stopped trying to make amends.

August 11

It's clear now. Things will never return to normal...I can never go back. The scholarship is as good as gone. Opportunity only knocks once and I blew it. I've been found. They took everything I have, but it isn't enough. The amount is $35,000, and my things were only worth $15,000. That still leaves me owing $20,000. If I don't pay it off, I'll be swimming with the fishes they said. I should've gone to the police. I should've manned up and just given the money back to the people it rightfully belonged to. I should've done so many things differently, but I didn't. I was selfish. A coward even. I…I don't deserve the scholarship now.

August 12

I miss the old days. The simpler times. Now they're ruined with the small traces of what we had reminding me of my guilt. Going back isn't possible now since you've long been dead. You're now nothing more than a memory. A fleeting one hanging by a thread. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I let me down.

August 13

This is Ruben. This is my last entry. I decided to work to repay all I took. If you found this please note I am now in a better place. Better enough that I don't need this anymore. Good-bye.