Mistaken Development

I thought I found him - someone who could see me for who I am, who could make me smile and laugh. I thought I found the sunshine that would thaw my bitter cold heart and show me how to blossom. I thought that wanting was all that I needed.

I thought that all I needed to move forward, was strength of will, an open mind, and a new attention. After all, I had never been dealt a blow so heavy I could not find a way to stand back up. I had never been so defeated I had lost the will to fight. I had never felt a passion that I could not overcome with time and patience.

I thought that it would be enough. I thought that the company and the easy conversations, the ridiculous jokes and the endless similarities would join us together, would complete my ragged, broken soul. I thought that the romantic picnics and the boyish pranks would satisfy that hole inside.

I wanted the serenade to wash away long forgotten plans and wishes. I wanted to erase the remnants of a dirt road, autumn leaves, the sound of my friends gleefully laughing, and a shadow lingering by my side. I wanted to impress someone new and pure instead of remembering whispers of the past.

I thought the Sunflower on my table would brighten my life and bring a smile to my lips. I wanted it to replace my first bouquet and the smell that lingered in the air. I wanted to move past the pain, past the memories, past the emotions that lingered deep within. I wanted to step back into the warmth I had found once before.

But the memories hadn't faded. It was the way my soul glowed when your laughter washed over me, or how cherished I felt when you looked at me, hanging onto every word as though I held the secrets of the universe. It was in the moments that you remembered the things that nobody else did, when you showed me how important you thought I was to you, that my very being began to love you.

I, of course, tried to deny it at first. I treated you hideously, hiding from my own panicked desire. I treated you unfairly: attacking your tender places, irritating your finer senses, and assaulting your human flaws and imperfections. And yet, you still remained, impervious to my methods. You knocked down every wall and soothed every fear.

More than that, you became my dearest and best friend. You did not hesitate to tell me the truth, to gently show me how wrong my behavior and tendencies were. You did not let me bend your convictions or morals, but you always sought a peaceful resolution after conflict.

I, the unbridled, fiesty, spirited soul, had been tamed. It was such a gentle approach I did not even see it until after it had happened. I had always been independent, flighty, and in a sense, a nomad, but when I recognized where I was, I was at peace. You anchored me, supported me, and gave me a place to call my own. You created a home.

You stood up for me when I was not there to hear you. You defended me with fervor and nobility without secretly wishing to be praised or thanked. You never minded trying new things, admitting you were uninformed, or that you were inspired by someone else. You were honest, but not unkind, strong, but not destructive.

Our friendship was so full, so complete, and yet I yearned for more. I wanted to hold your hand, to have the privilege of accompanying you in each twist and turn of life, and to call you mine. I wanted to take your name as a declaration of love, to wear a band upon my finger as a testament to my vow, and to find a solace in your arms.

I wanted to travel and experience adventures with you. I wanted to learn how to dance to the music we made together, to taste the forgotten nectar of Eden, and to love each other with such passion and devotion that only fairy-tales depicted.

And yet, what I had found was different to what you had discovered. Our footing was uneven, our dreams mismatched, and our hopes divergent. Where I had dared to dream of something more, you had lived in satisfied oblivion. Where you were content with a solid, unshakable friendship, I had fallen into love's tumultuous sea.

It was my greatest hope, and my darkest realization. It was my highest peak, and my furthest fall. And yet, I do not have it within me to regret or wish there was a single alteration. The hurt that I felt was only a confirmation that what I had was real. And I would rather have something painful and real, than the meager substitute.

I tried to love again, I tried to put away the past and focus on my future. I had grieved, I had wept, I had regained my strength. I had taken my damaged heart and stitched it back together in spite of the utter agony. My heart still ached at times as scars are apt to do, but I had healed. And yet...I could not find within me that force which had compelled me to desire, to adore, and to love someone else.

Attraction had deceived me for a time, but it could never compare to the genuine, bone deep, soul wrenching, life giving, force that love demands. I could not sacrifice my own wants in order to please another. I could not accept kind words or gestures without guilt and anxiety accompanying them.

I broke another's heart as mine had once been broken. It was not malicious, not intended, not wanted. But the moment I saw you, I knew I could deceive myself no longer. You said not a word, gave me no false hope. You simply smiled at me.

And in that moment, I returned to square one.