Sunsets and Tears

Cassandra and I had been together for two years, but I wanted more. So, it was time for me to start planning the next step and I knew exactly what I was going to do. And on a hot Wednesday in the middle of July, everything was in place.

            “Let’s go down the shore later, walk the boardwalk and grab a cheesesteak.”

           “Okay.”

           We both showered, got dressed and went out to the car. My car was always a running joke between us. It was a 1983 red Porsche 944. The same one from the movie “Sixteen Candles,” the movie we watched together over and over when one of us felt lousy.

We parked and walked up the wooden ramp to the boardwalk. It was still early and light out, but the place felt alive. Maybe it was just me.

           The cheesesteak stand was packed. I could never understand why the guy cooking was like a rock star, but the place was always jumping. Everyone behind the counter was right in tune with him. The music was cranked up and this was the place to be.

Our food came, and we scoffed it down. We finished and strolled down the boardwalk.

           “Feel like playing any games?” I asked.

           “Okay.”

We came upon one of the balloon race games. You know the one; you shoot the water into the clown’s mouth and try to make your balloon pop before everyone else. We sat with five other people and Cassie won.

           “If you want you can try again for a bigger prize,” said the guy behind the counter.

           “Sure, why not,” I said.

           We played again and Cassie won.

           “One more time,” I said.

           This time it was just Cassie and me. She was so focused that she didn’t notice the crowd forming behind us; a crowd that included both of our parents. Cassie beat me and looked at the guy.

           “So, I choose a large prize now, right?” she asked.

           “I’m sorry,” he said pouring it on. “Because it was only the two of you, I can only give you a small prize.”

           Cassie was pissed, and she wanted me to say something.

           “Maybe it’s not that bad,” I said. “Let me see the prize.” 

           Cassie watched as the guy handed me a small box. I turned to Cassie and got off the stool. She stared at me and looked around realizing who was around us. Her eyes grew wide as I dropped to one knee.

           “Cassie, our journey together started right here on this boardwalk a few years ago and even though it probably started before we realized it, this was the place where our true feelings came to life. This was our first real sunset together. And as the sun sets now behind us signaling the end of the day, I would also like it to signal the end of you as my girlfriend and the start of you becoming my wife. There is no one else that I would ever want to chase sunsets with. I want to share every beautiful sunset with my beautiful wife. Cassie, I love you. I always have, and I always will. Will you marry me?”

           She was off the stool in a second and almost knocked me to the ground.

           “Yes. Oh my God yes,” she yelled as she kissed my face.

Six months later she was leaving work. She was excited because I was making a special dinner, and we were going over the final wedding plans with our parents. The wedding was only two months away. This was also the night she would tell him she was six weeks pregnant, and he was going to be a dad.

           She got in her car and started home. She never saw the truck run the red light and cave in the driver’s side of her car. She never felt any of the pain as her body was twisted and broken. She never regained consciousness, and she was pronounced dead on the way to the hospital.

I was busy getting my last-minute prep together for this special meal I was making. I had water on for pasta; the shrimp were cleaned and peeled. Everything for the garlic butter sauce was set up on the counter. I had a bottle of Cassie’s favorite wine ready to go and the only thing left was to light the candles and flip on the CD that I played on the way to the boardwalk when I proposed to her. I looked at the clock; she was twenty minutes late—which wasn’t completely unusual for her. Then I heard a car door, and I smiled. I lit the candles and hit play. The room filled with Bryan Adams “Please Forgive Me,” and I smiled.

           The doorbell rang, surprising me. I went and opened it.

           “Did you forget your key again?” I asked, suddenly losing my smile as my heart dropped into my stomach.

           I knew it was bad when I saw the two police officers.

           “We’re afraid there has been an accident….,” was all I heard. I went blank after that like someone had hit me in the forehead with a brick. I dropped to my knees, Bryan Adams still singing behind me.

            I couldn’t believe what was happening; it was like a bad dream that I couldn’t wake up from. When I went to lie down, I couldn’t sleep. I buried my face in her pillow; I looked at her clothes—anything to give me just one more minute with her. One more minute to feel her next to me; one more minute to just smell her—God I loved the way she smelled, the way she felt. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and I didn’t want to live without her. My whole world was spinning out of control, and I could do nothing to stop it. I curled up in the corner of our room with her pillow and robe and at some point, I fell asleep.

           The next few days were the worst of my life. I was like a zombie. I was going through the motions. Seeing her in the coffin was an image that would never leave me. She looked nothing like my angel.

           The wake and the funeral weren’t any better. Sumo and the rest of my friends tried to make sure I was never alone. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t have made it.

           The second night of the wake was worse. I couldn’t stand being in the funeral home anymore, but I knew I couldn’t leave. I also couldn’t take any more people. It is always the same at a wake. Everyone is upset and after twenty minutes they are in the back talking and laughing.

           I sat in a chair staring at her. I hadn’t cried yet but knew it was coming. When everyone was finally gone and it was only my friends and Cassandra, I finally walked up to her. Just seeing her like that up close finally got me. I broke down and let it all out. I would never be the same. I don’t even remember the funeral. It is all like a blur to me.

            I spent the days after the funeral sitting staring at the frozen dirt that covered where she was buried. Rain, snow or shine, I just sat. And sat. Everyone worried about me, but they gave me the space I needed.

           When I came home from the cemetery, I would do what I had always done. Sit and watch the sunset. I sat on that swing watching the sky expecting to hear the door open and Cassie to come sit next to me, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen. But there was just something about watching the sun drop and the sky changing colors that made everything seem like it would be ok.

I watched the sunset reflect off the clouds and make the sky an eerie orange and black. It was like the footage they showed on TV of a wildfire, those kinds of colors. I closed my eyes and thought back to the beginning.

Two Years Earlier:

I took my normal spot in the swing on my parent’s deck. It was just after 8:00 and the sun was making its way slowly down the western sky. I opened a can of Coke and sat back. It was my favorite time of day and although there was a slight breeze, there was no mistaken it was a typical July day.

           I heard the sliding glass door open and felt the cool air of the air conditioning on my legs before the door closed again. I didn’t have to turn around to know who it was, the only person who knew where I would be and was willing to join me. Cassie.

           Cassie moved to my block when we were seven years old. She lived two houses up from me and we had instant chemistry. Well as much chemistry as you can as seven-year-olds.

           Things changed when we were around fourteen. Girls started developing—or at least boys started noticing. And Cassie, well she was growing into the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t have feelings for her.

“I broke up with Tommy,” she said cuddling up next to me, grabbing the Coke out of my hand and taking a swig.

           “How do you feel about that?” I asked.

           “I know it was the right move. I was feeling pressured.”

           I didn’t say anything. Tommy was a guy who was a few years older and lived a few blocks away. He thought he was hot shit because his parents were loaded. He was giving Cassie the full court press to sleep with him and she didn’t want to. I wanted to kill him but she would never let me go after him.

           “He had a nice car,” I said trying to lighten the mood.

I looked at her and saw a tear falling down her cheek. She tried to smile but I knew she was hurting. I also knew that I wouldn’t be hanging out with the boys tonight. This was going to be one of those nights where we went into the basement and watched a few movies, ate popcorn and ice cream and tried to help each other understand the opposite sex.

           “He did have a nice car,” she finally said with a sniffle.

           I smiled as we watched the colors of the sky change into oranges and violets. Beautiful colors that made everything feel alright for that moment.

           These were the times when we were most vulnerable, when we were hurting and the feelings we both knew we had would come out. We had each other though and sometimes it led to kissing and a little more before we regained our senses. Tonight, felt different for some reason but I didn’t know why at the time.

When we went downstairs this time, we put the movie on and when we began to kiss, we didn’t stop. Before I knew what was happening, our clothes were on the floor and Cassie was naked on top of me.

When we finished, Cassie collapsed on me. In my heart, I had always wanted more, I loved her, and I was pretty sure she loved me, but what we had was special and neither one of us wanted to take that chance and ruin it. I hoped we hadn’t crossed that line.

For the next few days, I had a strange feeling about what happened. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Cassie, and I was beginning to fear that we had indeed ruined everything. I wasn’t even sure where we stood. I mean were we a couple now? I was confused to say the least.

But my questions were answered when Sumo and I walked up to the Victory Diner about a week later. “The VD” as it was affectionately called was the great hangout of our youth. It was an old railway car style diner with a long counter and lots of stainless steel and glass. It had a few tables, a bunch of booths and a great old Wurlitzer style juke box that was filled with oldies that my friends would always complain about, but I loved.

In the small parking lot was a black BMW that I recognized instantly and felt my blood begin to boil. Tommy’s.

When we walked in Sam Cooke was "Twistin’ the Night Away" and Steve the owner/cook was sitting at a table reading the paper with Lisa the waitress who was struggling to chew gum and file her nails at the same time.

“What’s going on Sumo?” asked Steve.

“Let’s talk about what’s going in Sumo,” he replied, and they both laughed.

I didn’t laugh because as Sumo finished speaking my eyes were diverted to a corner booth where that asshole was sitting with a smug look on his face. She was across from him.

“…to sit?” Sumo was asking but I didn’t hear him at first. Then he caught where I was looking.

“C’mon. Let’s go sit over here.”

She couldn’t look at me and he wouldn’t stop.

As they left, he smiled at me like the asshole he was, and she still wouldn’t look at me. I was lost and poor Sumo, who had brought me up here to cheer me up, didn’t know what to do.

I didn’t feel like hanging out after the diner. The sun was getting ready to set and I really needed to sit and gather my thoughts. I grabbed a Coke and went through the sliding doors where Cassie was sitting on the swing waiting for me. I probably should have been more surprised, but I wasn’t. For some reason, I knew she’d be here.

“I know you probably hate me right now,” she said as I sat next to her.

“I will never hate you Cassie, but I am hurt and confused.”

She didn’t answer. Instead, we watched the sky create its magic.

“What are you thinking?” she asked.

 “What the fuck were you doing with him?”

She looked down at her shoes and I knew I wasn’t going to like her answer.

“I got back with him.”

“I don’t understand. The other night…” I couldn’t finish. 

“I wanted my first time to be special. With someone who I know cares and I know isn’t using me. Someone who’ll remember it the same way I will twenty years from now. So, I picked you.”

“So, you used me?” I regretted it as soon as it left my mouth.

“I didn’t use you.”

“Well how am I supposed to feel now? I mean my head is all fucked up from this and then I have to see you with that asshole.”

We sat silently for a while.

“I guess I didn’t think it through,” she finally said. “I just figured you’ve slept with other girls.”

“But I didn’t have feelings for them the way I do for you. I didn’t love them…”

As soon as those words went airborne, I wished I could’ve had them back.

She was shocked. “But you love me?”

“For a long time now,” I said looking away.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me that?”

“I thought you knew, everyone else seems to.”

She sat back and thought about that.

“I guess you don’t feel the same way,” I said.

“I think I do,” she said confused. “I guess I never really thought about it though. I would never want to ruin what we have. Do you know what I mean?”

I knew exactly what she meant.

“So now what?” she asked.

There was a long silence. I took a long sip from my Coke and watched the sky. She cuddled with me. “I didn’t ruin it for us, did I?”

“No. I will deal with it.” But I wasn’t so sure I would be able to.

“I hope I didn’t. You mean so much to me. And we shared something the other night that I will always cherish.”

We stayed silent after that. But that silence spoke volumes. As much as we didn’t want to admit it, things did change. Only time would tell how much.

In August, my friends and I rented a house down the shore. During the second week, Cassie and a few friends rented a house about a block from ours.

“Let’s go to the boardwalk and watch the sunset,” she said.

I looked in her eyes and felt my heart melt. “Ok.”

We walked in silence, neither one of us quite knowing what to say. We walked up the ramp and found a bench. I had already been to this spot alone the past few nights.

I loved the boardwalk. There was always so much energy. The lights, the sounds and of course the smells. I loved the smell of the sausage and pepper stand; the smell of fried dough from the zeppole stands. This was all there during the day, but when the sun went down it really came to life.

Then there was the cheesesteak stand. That guy that was like the rockstar was behind the grill. As always, he had a big crowd and loud music, it was pretty awesome.

At some point Cassie took my hand in hers. She loved the boardwalk too, and we were walking like a couple in love. We stopped and bought zeppoles and under the premise of wiping powdered sugar from my lips, she kissed me.

At first, I didn’t know what I should do but then I stopped thinking and started kissing her back. And there we were under the stars in the magical world of the boardwalk standing there making out like there was no one else around.

From that night on we were together, and it was perfect.