Missing Her Life

MISSNG HER LIFE

“I’m not sure that you are in the here and now.”

Yolanda opened her eyes, and looked up at Jen, her yoga instructor.  

Guilty, but she’d never admit it.

“Why do you say that?” she asked Jen.

“Well, because your face is all screwed up. Like this,” She twisted her mouth to the side, “And you’re tapping out some sort of internal Morse code with your fingers.”

Yolanda sighed and sat up. “But it’s hard.”

She had hired Jen to give her private yoga lessons at home. That way, she figured, she would be able to concentrate on the flow, without the distractions of a class. Or work.

Jen sat down beside Yolanda.

“I know it’s hard,” she said, touching Yolanda’s shoulder.

Yolanda tried not to flinch. It wasn’t that she didn’t like to be touched, just not from her yoga instructor. They weren’t good enough friends.  

She shook her annoyance off. She knew she was just being cranky. Jen was only trying to help her. After all, that’s why Yolanda had hired her.

“Guilty,” she said out loud this time, smiling at Jen.

“Okay,” said Jen. “Let’s start shavasana again.”

Yolanda nodded, and laid back down on her mat.

“Okay, slowly relax back into corpse pose, letting your body get heavy.”

She waited while Yolanda settled into the pose.

“Now, breath in slowly, to a count of four. One, two, three, four. Pause. Exhale to a count of four. Feel yourself relax.”

Yolanda followed Jen’s instructions, willing herself to relax.

One … two … three … four. Pause. Four … three … two … one. Pause … One … Tomorrow’s meeting is at nine. I need to make sure that I check the slides to make sure—“

“Yolanda? You’re making that face again.”

“Sorry.”

“No, don’t be sorry, Yolanda, just relax.” She paused. “To help you maintain your breathing, when you inhale, time your breathing to ‘so’, when you exhale, time your breathing to ‘hum’ Let’s do it together.”

“Soooo, hummmm. Sooooo, hummmm. Soooo, hummmm.”

“Now, instead of speaking aloud, think it in your brain, synchronizng your breath to the chant.”

Soooo, hummmm. Soooo, hummmm. Soooo I have to check the budget figures—

“Maybe that’s enough for today,” suggested Jen.

Yolanda nodded her head.

"You’re right.  I'm having a hard time concentrating. I have a pretty important meeting tomorrow …”

*****

Yolanda needed to change her life. Ironically, she realized this at a business retreat a couple of months previous. Professionally, Yolanda was going gang-busters. She owned her own online clothing company. Year-over-year her sales and profits had been skyrocketing. She was the toast of the internet, and within slow fashion circles.

It was everything else that was going to hell.

Her parents, while proud of her, couldn’t understand why they never saw her. They complained that she rarely showed up for special occasions, and when she did, she spent all her time on her phone, dealing with work “emergencies”.

“I never had as many work emergencies as you have during one family meal, in the twenty-seven years I was a Fire Chief,” said her dad.

Yolanda looked at her father and rolled her eyes.

“That was a different time, Pops. All my employees have my cell phone number, and I want them to call me if they have a problem. That’s how I make sure that a little problem doesn’t blow up and become a disaster.”

Her mother had looked at her.

“You have to respect the people you’re with when you’re with them, Yolanda. Interrupting meals because the factory can’t find the right coloured thread isn’t an emergency that the requires a call to the boss.” She had looked at her daughter. “When you’re here, Yolanda, you’re not present. We miss you.”

Her friends, too, were pulling away. She really couldn’t blame them. How many times could she cancel invitations or leave get-togethers early, before people stop inviting her to things?

In fact, her sister, Brie, had had a beautiful baby girl three months ago, and the only reason she knew little Isabel was beautiful was from photos Brie had sent to her. When Isabel had been born, Yolanda had been in Turkey sourcing fabric. When they had the naming ceremony, Yolanda was in Ecuador, acquiring, of all things, buttons. She had gone over to see Isabel once—she’d been in the neighbourhood, on the way to the factory, and had decided to drop in. But Isabel had been sleeping. Yolanda had crept into her room, but all she saw was a tiny little body in a crib in a dark room. She couldn’t even tell what colour Isabel’s hair was.

She was missing a lot of her own life.  

*****

“Yolanda, it’s been a while. Glad you gave me a call.”

Yolanda smiled at Jeremy, the company masseuse. They’d been working together for maybe a year. Yolanda had hired Jeremy for the last company retreat, and she had him come into the office and the factory once a month for massages. But she had never taken advantage of Jeremy and his magic fingers until now. She was always too busy.

So, to ensure that she made time for a massage, she’d had Jeremy come to her home. That way, she figured, she would have to make time for the massage.

After she was face down on the table, Jeremy set to work.

“Holy smokes Yolanda, your muscles are hard as rocks!” he said, while pushing on her shoulder, trying to loosen it up.

“Work.”

“Geez,” he said, still working on the same spot. “You’re carrying all your stress in you neck and back.” He stopped and walked around to look at her. “You need to learn to relax.”

Just then, her phone rang, and she took the call.

*****

The statement about everything being hunky-dory at work was a little bit of a misnomer, if she was being completely honest. Ninety-nine percent of everything was going well. The one percent, not so much. Her assistants. And while, on paper, she’d only had one assistant, she had been through a lot of them. Things needed to change.

Yolanda was driven, to say the least. She was the first one in the office in the morning, and the last one out at night. She was tireless. But, unfortunately, the people she hired as her personal assistants weren’t. They needed sleep, and had families and friends they wanted to see.

When she had started the company, she hadn’t needed an assistant, but as the company grew, she realized that she had her fingers were in too many pots, and she needed someone to organize her work life.

So she’d hired Maggie, who was hard-working, energetic, enthusiastic. At least when she started she was. But after two years in the company Yolanda noticed a change in Maggie—a few times, she even found her crying at her desk.

“I can’t do it, Yolanda,” she’d finally said to Yolanda. “Not anymore. It’s too much.”

And she had quit, on the spot. Yolanda had begged her not to go, but she said that her mental health was suffering. She said she’d stay for a week to help the new person learn the ropes, but that was it. After that, she was gone.

“Maggie, you’re a great asset to the company. I can’t let you go.”

But Maggie had left, nonetheless.

Noel was her next assistant.  He lasted almost a year. But, his wife was having a baby, and he needed to be at home with her, not at the office.

Next was Ray. He was former military, and she hoped that would help him keep her life organized. But, within four months, he had come to her.

“Yolanda,” he started. “This is not a job for one person. This is a job for three people. You need to hire me two assistants.”

She had never considered the fact that her busy schedule was too much for her assistant. But it was true. She could run the business the way she wanted to because her assistant took up all the slack. And that wasn’t fair.

Deena and Joel were hired. But, Joel was not prepared for the pace of the job, and was gone within three months. He was replaced by Carly.

The team of three was working well, right now, but Ray was still forced to hire temps to take up the slack when they were super busy, or someone went on vacation.

How had she not noticed the effect on those around her?

*****

Yolanda needed to destress and slow down. It was hard. But she had to try. Because if she didn’t, she was afraid it would affect her health.

She was sleep-deprived. She rarely slept through the night. She hadn’t been to the gym in ages. And, if she was being honest with herself, more often than not, she was having a second, or even a third glass of wine at night. Alone.

That was another problem. She was alone.

*****

She and Liam had been together for five years. He had encouraged her to follow her dream, and start the business. He’d always been there when she’d come home late from work, dead on her feet. He’d always been her plus-one when there were dinner meetings with investors, or functions that needed to be attended. He’d been her rock. But, apparently, rocks can crumble.

“Yola, we need to talk.”

She’d just gotten home, and still needed to go through a number of projection reports and staffing numbers.

“Right now?”

Looking back, she could see his face. It had literally fallen.

“I don’t ask much from you, Yola. But, I think it’s time we had a discussion.”

“Okay,” she’d said, taking off her coat, and putting down her messenger bag, “let’s talk.”

“I miss you,” he said.

She was confused. Didn’t they see each other every night—at least when she was in town? And didn’t they see each other every morning? Well, some mornings … maybe only a few mornings if Liam was up early, because she was usually out of the house before six, to get to the office. But they did see each other.

She smiled. “I miss you, too.”

“Do you though? If I disappeared tomorrow, what would you miss most about me?”

“Uh, what do you mean?” She was confused.

“If I wasn’t here, what would you miss the most.”

“I don’t know. I’ve never thought about that.”

“Would it be dinner, most nights reheated in the microwave because you come home late? Or maybe the fact that all the bills get magically paid. Or that you never have to worry about anything because I take care of it all, so you can devote your life to your work?”

Yolanda stopped and thought for a minute. He was right. He did take care of everything, as well as having his own career. She hadn’t even realized all that he did for her. Sure, they had “people”—Andrea who was their housekeeper, and George who looked after the outside, and Corey who was their accountant and paid all the bills. But someone had to make sure they all did their jobs, and that the house ran smoothly so she didn’t have to. And that person was Liam.

“I … I’m sorry, Liam.”

“I know. But if I disappeared, would you just hire someone else? Am I that easily replaceable?”

Yolanda was stunned. “No, of course not,” she’d said. “I love you. We’re getting married.”

“When?”

He’d proposed to her, what, three years ago? But she’d been so busy …

“I’m so sorry, Liam. I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t know that I missed you, or that we never see each other any more, or that I feel like an employee?”

“Liam …”

He’d moved out two weeks ago. And Yolanda missed him. Not the things that he did for her, but Liam, as a person. She missed talking to him about his work, and family, and getting his opinion.

They called it a break, but Yolanda didn’t know one couple who had taken a “break” that were still together.

*****

She knew she had to make changes. The yoga and the massage, and all the other things—tai chi, meditation, and relaxation therapy—were for her own health and wellbeing. But they wouldn’t mean a thing if she didn’t change her work life.

So, she did. They had a management meeting and were revamping the way things were done. The company was big enough now to have specific departments, with department heads who would be responsible for delegating work. Yolanda would be able to step back from the minutiae of the day-to-day decisions. She would still be in charge, but now she would have trusted people taking care of the minor things. And when there was an emergency, or an on-the-spot decision had to be made, there was no reason to call Yolanda any more. She had people.

*****

She walked up to the door, and knocked.

Liam answered the door.

“Yolanda,” he said, surprise writ large on his face. “Is everything alright?”

She smiled. “Everything’s fine. In fact, I’ve made some changes at work, and now I’ve got a bunch of free time. And no work phone. Wanna go meet Isabel with me?”

Liam smiled back, and opened the door.

“Sure,” he said. “Let me grab my coat.”