Him.

I had no idea who he was. We weren't even friends. But the first time I was introduced to him, I felt my heart skip a beat. He was charming and charismatic. The more we would spend time together, the harder I kept on falling. It was such a scary feeling and I would try to keep my distance from him but, he always managed to pull me back in.

He always hugged me and held my hand. One of his friends came up to me and told me he was going to ask me out that day. I was so excited and couldn't wait for him to pop the question. The day went by like normal. We hung out, he caressed me and wrapped his arms around my waist. As the day came to an end, the question never came up. So we said our goodbyes and I made my way home. That's when my phone went off.

I looked to see who it was and of course, it was him. He simply put that he had something he wanted to ask me. He had no idea that his friend had already told me he was going to ask me out. I answered him asking him what it was about but he said he wanted to talk in person instead. But I was so excited I told him to just tell me, and he did. I couldn't stop smiling. He then said to give him an answer the next day.

As soon as I saw him that morning I walked up to him and held his hand. We walked around for a while when he finally turns towards me and asked for an answer. I looked into his eyes and kissed him. That's when everything around us went quiet. It felt like we were the only two people there at that moment. It felt right. It felt perfect in every way.

Days started turning into months and I was still infatuated with him. The way he would simply hold me made me fall even harder. I felt safe. And then it happened. He told me he loved me. I couldn't believe it. I was so emotional that I started to cry. Hard to believe that he loved me the way I loved him.

Months later we started talking about moving in together. He even wanted to have a family with me. Everything just felt right. Sure we'd have our arguments here and there. We'd fight and make up but, what couple didn't? I'd tell my friend about how things were going and she always felt something was off. Of course, I just brushed it off as her being paranoid. But once months turned into years I started noticing things.

He became distant. He'd ask who I was hanging out with. Why I wouldn't take him with me everywhere I went. He'd even ask who was texting me all the time. Utterly jealous and I never noticed. Then he started hanging out with a girl he was going to school with. I had complete trust in him so I never asked about her. But he'd randomly bring her up in conversation. About how he had just seen her the day before, that he was going to hang out with her once I went home, or that he had made plans with her for the next day.

It made me feel awful. Like I wasn't good enough for him. Still, I never said anything to him but it was breaking me inside. He tried so hard to keep me isolated from everyone and would use any little thing to start an argument. That's when I finally realized that I was in a toxic relationship. Being with him was so unhealthy especially towards my mental state. Whenever I tried to end the relationship he would get emotional and tell me how much he loved and cared for me. So I stayed.

And it would only get worse. I felt so alone for so long. I finally had a breaking point and that's when I ended once and for all. And once I did, it felt like all the weight of the world was finally off of my shoulders. As much as I loved him I knew I couldn't be with him anymore. For my mental state. But from time to time I wonder how things would've turned out considering he was m first love. But because of him, I haven't let anyone else in and I'm afraid to open up to anyone. The worst part is that I miss the person he was when we first met.