Dear Diary, Tell Me Who To Be

September 17, 2015

Dear Diary,

This is my very first entry in my brand new diary!! Ema got it for me for my b-day since I love to write. I can’t wait to write about my life in here every day. I have soccer practice soon so I have to stop but I will write more tomorrow. Bye!!!

-Lilah

September 18, 2015

Dear Diary,

Something interesting happened today. A boy in my class, Oliver, told me that another boy in my class, Henry, like-likes me. I just moved here so I don’t really know Henry that well, but people seem to like him. Mia told me I’m real lucky. She said I need to tell him if I like him back soon before he finds a different girl to like. Ema says it’s time for Temple. So, I guess that’s all for now!

-Lilah

September 24, 2015

Dear Diary,

Sorry about not writing. BUT I do have some news to share. Henry and Emma are dating now. AND… I think I have a crush on Henry. I know. I should have told him sooner, but I didn’t know I liked him until after I found out they were dating. Maybe they will break up.

-Lilah

October 14, 2015

Dear Diary,

I still have a crush on Henry… Unfortunately. He and Emma broke up, but I don’t think he likes me back. My problem is there are not other good guys to have a crush on. I tryed a guy named Evan but he was too much of a jerk. Then I tryed a boy named Levi but he was too annoying. So I stuck with Henry. Maybe I’m wrong and he does like me. Anyways, I have to go finish my reading log.

-Lilah

January 23, 2016

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was so horrible! Pretty much what happened was I finally decided that I wanted to tell Henry how I feel. I just want to move on and I don’t think I can move on until I know for sure he does not like me. I was too scared to do it myself. So, I asked my friend Eve if she could ask him if he likes me… You should have seen his face when she asked him. He looked disgusted by the thought of liking me. It was so embarrassing. I never should have let him find out. Everyone’s probably going to make fun of me on Monday.

-Lilah

October 29, 2017

Dear Diary,

I totally did not mean to go this long without writing. I lost my diary. But I managed to find it when I was looking for the gloves for my minion costume yesterday. I’m going trick or treating with Hannah (my new friend I met in Mrs. Hudson’s class this year) and we’re both dressing up as minions together. I’m super excited. Anyways, I’m sure you’re wondering what happened with Henry. It took an embarrassing amount of time but I do NOT like him anymore. He still goes to my school, but I never really see him. Honestly, I don’t think I really like anyone rn. I’m focusing on school and my friends and soccer. It’s nice. I’m going to go eat dessert. I will try to keep my diary safe so I don’t lose it again!

-Lilah

November 1, 2017

Dear Diary,

Halloween was so much fun!! Ema dropped me off at Hannah’s house and we watched Hocus Pocus while her mom made dinner. Dinner was so so good. Hannah’s mom is almost as good at cooking as my mom is. After dinner, it was time for trick or treating!! I got so much candy! A lot of Hannah’s neighbors gave out the big candy bars. One house even had hot cocoa! Wouldn’t it be cool if I lived in the same neighborhood as Hannah? We’d probably be able to hangout like every day. That’d be so awesome. Hannah is so cool and so funny. She’s also super smart. I think she might be my new best friend. I hope she thinks I’m her best friend too.

-Lilah

December 12, 2017

Dear Diary,

Ema, Dad, and I just got back from Hannah’s house. Hannah’s mom made dinner and then we all lit the menorah together to celebrate the first night of Chanukah! I got to see Hannah open the gift I got her: a minecraft lego set. Hannah loves playing minecraft. Hannah got me a gift too. She got me a Michael’s gift card cause she knows I love doing arts and crafts. I still haven’t been sure if she thinks I’m her best friend, but I feel like she must. You wouldn’t be able to pick out such a great gift unless it was for your best friend… right?

-Lilah

January 27, 2018

Dear Diary,

Hannah has been kind of annoying lately. All she ever wants to talk about is this boy she has a crush on. It’s all “Nick is so cute” this and “Nick said the funniest thing yesterday” that. I don’t care about Nick. I want to hear Hannah talk about her minecraft world and Youtube videos like we used to. I don’t even have a crush to talk to her about. I hate it.

-Lilah

March 19, 2018

Dear Diary,

Things have gotten even worse. Hannah and Nick are dating now. So, she talks about him even more!! And we practically never hangout. I was hoping her parents wouldn’t be okay with her going to a BOY’s house. But, as long as his parents are there, she’s allowed. (and no sleepovers, obvi) So, every weekend, she’s spending time with him instead of her best friend!! I know I should be happy for her, but I really just wish things could go back to how they used to be.

-Lilah

September 16, 2018

Dear Diary,

I don’t think Hannah wants to be my friend anymore. When I invited her to my bat mitzvah, she told me she had plans but she’d let me know if she could make it. Yesterday, after my party, I checked Insta and saw she’d shared a picture of her and Nick. She missed my bat mitzvah to hangout with him!

-Lilah

September 27, 2018

Dear Diary,

It’s official. I texted Hannah to see if she knew what her Halloween plans were yet and she left me on read. Also, I overheard a girl in my class talking to someone about what she was gonna wear to Hannah’s bat mitzvah. So, not only did she miss my party to hangout with her boyfriend, she didn’t invite me to hers. I don’t know what I did wrong.

-Lilah

January 7, 2019

Dear Diary,

The weirdest thing happened today. My math teacher decided to change our assigned seats now that we’re back from break. You’ll never guess who I’m sitting next to now… Henry lol. Obvi not like right now, right now. I’m writing this in my room. I haven’t spoken to him in so long. He didn’t seem annoyed about sitting next to me. He actually asked how I’d been and we talked for a little bit before class started. Like I said, it was kind of weird for me. I wonder if we’re gonna become friends now or something.

-Lilah

January 14, 2019

Dear Diary,

Update on the Henry situation. I was talking to my friend Chelsea about Henry and I sitting next to each other and us talking pretty much everyday. She’s convinced that he must like me now. Now, that she’s made me think that he likes me, I feel like my crush is back. So annoying. But also… what if he does like me? Will I get to have my very first boyfriend? That kinda would be exciting.

-Lilah

March 14, 2019

Dear Diary,

Sorry I’ve been forgetting to update you on the Henry situation. I swear, I am so bad at writing in here consistently. Anyways, big news. Henry def does not like me back. I just found he has a new girlfriend. It’s this girl in my chorus class. My friends were super nervous to tell me because they thought I’d be jealous. But I’m weirdly happy for them, to be honest. I don’t know her super well, but his girlfriend seems really nice!

-Lilah

March 22, 2019

Dear Diary,

Today in chorus, Alexa (Henry’s gf) performed a song for Glee day. She sounded so good. After, I complimented her and she said, “Thanks. You did too!” She’s so nice.

-Lilah

April 19, 2019

Dear Diary,

So, good news and bad news. Today, Alexa complimented my outfit. Also today, I overheard her tell her friend that she’s moving to a new state after the school year is over.

-Lilah

June 20, 2020

Dear Diary,

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written in here. I honestly think I just got sort of bored of writing in here but lately I’ve had a bit of extra time on my hands. So, I thought maybe I should bring this back out. Re-reading old entries has been so weird. It’s also been making me think a lot. I think the thought has always been there. I was just too afraid to really entertain it or write about it in here. I guess in some ways, I did still write about it. Just not directly. Something about my friendship with Hannah… and the way I thought about/wrote about Alexa… I don’t know. Even now, I’m struggling to write the words. Why? I have some queer friends who’d be there for me. I know my parents will still love me. I’m fortunate enough to have that support system, yet I still feel like this. I guess I’m just scared that I’m wrong. That I’d be doing it for attention. But I shouldn’t let my fears stop me from being who I am. Maybe I am wrong or maybe I’m not. Do I want to risk it? I think I’ll tell my friends first. Just say it… “I’m bi.” I’ve gone back-and-forth between bi and lesbian but I feel like it’s bi. My crush on Henry seemed genuine. But idk. This is all so confusing. Maybe talking to my friends will help… Well, thanks Diary. Idk if I’ll write in here again. I do kind of want to start journaling but maybe it’d be better to start fresh in something a little more mature. So, I guess… Goodbye (unless I’m wrong about this being the end)

-Lilah