To Be or Not to Be

WARNING: Mentions of self-harm, depression, suicide and Mental health are included in this short story.

In life, we all have a choice to make, we all have to pick between two things that are separated by one word (or). A choice that I’m sure everyone has heard of either by word of mouth or through their own soul searching. Two options bubble down to one phrase, ‘To Be or Not to Be’. Now, what does this phrase entail? Well, it could mean a plethora of things but that depends on the living being. ‘To Be or Not to Be’ is not something easily simplified by itself because it's not direct, yet it will only evade you if you allow it to. For some, it means nothing at all but for JJ it meant everything.

Somewhere in Wisconsin on an old worn-out twin-sized bed, there lay a person, more specifically a being named JJ. Now JJ is not their REAL name per se it's more of a persona made by someone who's struggling with their identity but would never admit it. The name JJ actually stood for two names, Jane and John, because JJ could never fully pick between the two. You see John was really Jane, Jane was really John and most of the time they were one in the same; thus the name JJ. Still, JJ didn't really care what they were addressed as because, according to them, they were just JJ. No pronouns were needed, it was a fickle thing in their eyes because no matter what they were themselves, and when asked about it they always said, “I'm just me but you can call me whatever you want to”. You can tell JJ never really knew who to be but convinced themself that it didn't matter and that they didn't have to choose between anything. However, we won't dive that deep into JJ's identity crisis, that's a story for another day and right now it's a different time for this story.

The sun is nowhere to be found in Cream City at 11 o’clock at night as the moon peeks through the window blinds of a dark room. The small bed holds the body of JJ as the moonlight illuminates their scrunched-up face. JJ's eyebrows seem to crease, and his mouth is downturned in a frown as a myriad of thoughts run through his mind. JJ's mouth is dry, and their eyes are burning from holding back tears. Tears that will never fall because they do not think crying solves anything, it's just a waste of energy that they will ‘need’ later. Why the unshed tears? Well, this always happens when they think about their future or lack thereof because they seem to be stuck in this very room all day and do the same thing every night. JJ's grandma, Saraline, will never fail to remind them that they don't have a future and that they're going nowhere fast. They may think their grandma is being harsh and doesn't care about their mental health but she cares so much, she's just tired. She's tired of saying “JJ you’re almost 18 you need to graduate and do something with your life”, “JJ you’re 18, you need to get the rest of your credits. You wouldn’t have failed if you weren’t so lazy”, “JJ you’re almost 19, why don't you go find a job and finish getting your license”, “JJ you’re 19, get a job or I’m kicking you out. You can't keep staying in this room all day doing nothing but playing the game and being on your phone”, “JJ you just turned 20, what are you doing with yourself? Are you going to lay down with no goals all your life?”, and so on and so forth. It's not like JJ doesn’t think about it every night with one thing in mind because they do, JJ knows they have a problem but they don't know how to fix that problem. The problem is they have no dreams, and they have no desire to do anything with their existence except die. They don't know how to fix this problem and sometimes they can't even bring themself to care. JJ usually ignores Saraline whenever she starts ranting about how they were throwing everything away. They go back to doing what they always do, sitting around waiting for a purpose that won't magically come to them.

This same cycle has been happening for years now but what Saraline doesn't know is that JJ is tired too, they’re way more exhausted than she is but they have different reasons. JJ’s tired of being at war with their brain and they wonder when the fight will be over or if it will ever end at all. They were tired of waking up and wishing they had just slept the whole day, so they started spending most of the day in bed. They're tired of being so clean on the outside because they felt so filthy on the inside, so they stopped taking showers. They were tired of eating away all their pain, but they would rather do that than spill their own blood, so they ended up gaining a bunch of weight and often found their thoughts occupied by the image of them cutting open their stomach. They got tired of ruining relationships because of their inability to open up emotionally, so they pushed away every potential lover they met. They are tired of not being good enough for themselves, this causes them to never be good enough for someone else. They're so freaking tired of crying so they don't even do that anymore, as I’ve mentioned before. They’re tired of being numb at the wrong times, they don't get how someone could die and they can't even cry, also they’re tired of feeling like this monster that shouldn’t be alive. As you can see, there's so much stuff that JJ is tired of but the most important one is that they're tired of life. Deep down JJ knows that they're the only ones in the way of healing themselves and so every day they think of a phrase. One mantra chants throughout their head and overpowers every other thought JJ is having. The same mantra that's been bothering them for years now:

To Be or Not to Be

To Be or Not to Be

To Be or Not to Be

To Be or Not to Be.

Suddenly, JJ springs out of bed while breathing heavily, they start pacing back and forth inside their hideaway. The floorboards creak under JJ's weight as they anxiously claw at the back of their neck. That mantra echoed throughout their mind, almost taunting them in a voice they cannot recognize. JJ may not realize this but if anyone were to walk into the room, they would think JJ was having a panic attack. To be fair, JJ was having a severe panic attack and they get these often but don’t address them as such. The back of their neck burns from the incessant scratching of JJ's nails and once that happens, they move onto their arms. A muffled cry, almost screech echoes through the silent house and JJ jumps in alarm. Not realizing that they were the source of the noise they heard. Everything inside of them hurts as they think of several ways to kill themself, JJ wonders why they haven't succeeded in any previous attempts. Some were very close calls but it seems something was mocking them because they were never close enough. JJ hated themself, hated even the good things about themselves, and despised the fact that they had blood still pumping through their treacherous body. Never were they comfortable with their body, JJ couldn’t recall a single time they loved themselves. Love was a weird thing for JJ, love was a weird thing for everyone it seemed. Love was just love and it hurt a lot, but JJ knows a thing or two about love hurting, from failed relationships to broken family bonds to abandoned friendships. JJ just wanted to live a life that wasn’t dependent on who they were loved by but most of the time JJ didn't want life at all. They were just floating against their will, chained by a life jacket and being forced to swim by those who loved them. Then that mantra rang out again, JJ stopped in their tracks and paused mid thought as the phrase was chanted in their mind…

To Be or Not to Be

To Be or Not to Be

To Be or Not to Be

To Be or Not to Be.

Something starts to resonate within JJ, as they walk out their room door past Saraline's snores, the skin on their arm rubbed raw. They faintly hear their sister, Trina, laughing on the phone late like she always does. It annoys them like it always does, their envy once again rearing its ugly head as Trina's happiness rings in their ears. JJ hurriedly runs out of the front door, since the old paint and plants are not very relaxing, they set out to roam the streets. It's 3:45 am, the sun should be out soon, JJ can see the dark clouds beginning to disappear and the moon starting to completely dim. As they feel the wind whipping across their face, they decide to privately confess one thing as the mantra still leaves them speechless. JJ has a truth that they have never said out loud, the truth was that JJ was tired of being tired and did not want to feel sorry for themselves anymore. They were tired of waiting on their purpose then JJ slowly started realizing something. Nothing would change unless they did, nothing would look up unless they got up, and nothing would make them happy unless they went out to find it. Looking around as the sun seems to start rising, JJ has already passed by the steps of the church steps they had once rested on, mourning over their faith that they lost a long time ago. Multiple abandoned buildings littered their eyesight as they stepped over a particularly large crack in the sidewalk. JJ steadily recalls the mantra and how it vibrates their entire being, what does it mean and why does it shake their very existence? The sun is slowly rising, and JJ is tired of moving so they halt their steps to breathe more comfortably. The chips they ate earlier came to bite them back in the ass, they weren’t really hungry but JJ always tried to fill the empty void inside of them with food. As JJ catches their breath, it hitches and all movement stops abruptly, a sudden change in the atmosphere takes over. The cold morning breeze feels warm against their dry skin, as the sun finally decides to set and shines over JJ's unruly hair-covered head. JJ finally says the thing that has been burning inside them ever since the mantra became a daily reminder of their failure and complacency of staying in the exact same place all their life. Their voice cracks while sounding out in a deep and raspy tone, exhausted from the moment JJ spent unknowingly screaming, they get out one phrase:

“To Live or Not to Live”

JJ decided that they wanted to live.