Incognito

Incognito

No, I am not her. I loathe her. You think you know, right. You are wrong.

So begins a journey of self discovery. A venture of redemption.

The shame is too much. It eats at her. Too young to understand, she hides deep in herself. Her outer and inner eyes remain closed throughout.

This is when the split starts. A part of her must remain with ____. A part though, it hides, keeping her safe.

Growing and moving past her toddler hood, it gets harder. She finds safety in stories. Devouring books from the tender age of three, when Sesame Street and her own will, taught her to read, they became an escape. A place where ___ can't find her.

_____ leaves when she is twelve. Her secret shame is shared with her mom. Physical escape happens next when they move away. The shame moves with them.

The part created when she was two, a vault buried deep in her, it stores most of it. Puberty brings a deeper burial. Sex and all associated with it, are yucky, icky, shameful. Her teen years are lonely.

The wish for a child of her own, someone to love and that will always love her, leads to her first time at nineteen. That part of her that holds her secret shame, it rebels.

“You want this nastiness, you got it.”

From frigid to promiscuous, resulting in several men being tested as the father of her first. Motherhood brings calming for a time.

That shame, it isn't gone. The angry toddler remains and she takes her unmeet rage out on the children. Each time brings a deepening shame. That part of herself she grows to hate.

She finds temporary relief in men. Relationships build on the fragility of her unmet childhood needs. When one of them hurts her children she feels an anger and shame so deep that it almost fully pulls her under. It is only their presence, their need for her, that keeps her from giving in to it.

“You are a horrible mother. You should have never had children. Give them up before you ruin them.” The angry little girl that still lives deep in her, shouts.

“No! They are mine. They need me. I will do better.”

She does for a while. Returns to counseling. For a few years things are stable. She is back with their dad. They make a family. The little girl gets quiet.

Nothing gold can stay, to quote the Outsiders. He becomes unreliable. Getting and losing jobs. Her oldest starts to show signs of manic depression.

“See! You can't make good choices. He is bad . Like ____.”

“Shut up! Shut up! He isn't.”

Still they broke up again. She ends up on the streets with them. Now the little girl is screaming. Her oldest is in and out of juvie. His meds aren't working. He won't take them. He second lives with dad. The babies, they roam the streets with mom.

“Useless, loathsome, a complete failure!” the voice taunts.

She is determined to prove it wrong. It isn't easy but she pulls herself up again. A process made more difficult when her baby is legally stolen from her. Fighting to get him back gives her strength she didn't know she had. Pushing hard everyday, she works, visits him, goes to counseling, over and over. Day by day. Week after week, month by month, year after year.

“You will fail,” this time the voice just doesn't come from inside her, “love isn't enough.” The social worker says.

It gives her ammunition to prove her wrong. No, she hasn't been the best mom, in some ways, okay a lot of ways, she is horrible at it. But no one will love her child like her.

She keeps working hard. They rebuilt a relationship torn apart by bad choices, and not only hers this time.

Then another set back, much bigger this time. Her mom dies.

Anchorless, rudderless, completely lost on a sea of grief so big she is drowning in it. She might have been lost if it wasn't for her child ‘s present, nine months later. She is going to be a grandma! A second chance to love a child right.

All her energy goes into preparation for her new role. The baby is due on her birthday, a sign that life, no matter how difficult, goes on.

Holding the child of her child, she vows that she would always be there for her, that none of the bad things that happened to herself or her children will touch her grandbaby.

That is when she starts to reconcile her past with her present.

It is a process with starts and stops. Her baby gets a girl pregnant when both are in their late teens. There are drug abuse issues with both parents and her first grandson goes into care.

“Around and around we go,” the voice gleefully says, “see you raised a child that can't keep his kid. A complete failure.”

“His brother has!” She is able to counter, “so you need to be still. He is doing well.”

Back and forth. He moves to Ohio, to help his sick dad and get clean. His brother breaks up with his baby momma.

She spends a lot of time with her grandbaby. The little girl is so healing. Her laughter, free of any pain and fear, brings incredible joy to her grandma’s heart.

Her daddy meets and marries a wonderful woman, with her own little girl. She joyfully adopts her as a bonus granddaughter.

They have a daughter together, a darling named after her great grandmother.

It takes years, decades. She has to reconcile the different parts of herself. This angry, grieving, shame filled girl is a part of her. No, she doesn't hate her. She hates what made her possible.

That is the turning point. When she realizes this, she can embrace the little one, with compassion. Forgiving her, forgiving ___, and therefore forgiving her

self.

She is no longer in incognito mode but fully and completely herself.