The Voice

Ever since Jay died, there it was.

The Voice.

It was always there, making me feel as though everything that went wrong was my fault.

It never left.

Jay saved my life and lost his in return. It was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.

"Robin!" Mom shouts in the morning. "You're going to be late for school again!"

"Whatever," I think to myself.

Nowadays there were hardly any words that came out of my mouth that weren't 'I'm fine,' or 'okay,'.

I walk out of my room, dressed in my usual black sweatpants and hoodie, with my hair hanging loose around my face.

"Robin, can't you put any effort into your looks?"

I just looked at mom blankly.

"Nevermind, just go."

Well, Mom's mad now, The Voice says soon as I'm out the door. It's all your fault. Mom's mad at you, dad's in the hospital, and Jay's dead. Anything else you want to add to the list?

"Stop," I think. "I don't need you to remind me."

Oh, but you do.

Walking down the street I get several glances my way, Probably because of how I'm dressed.

They're judging you, because they know that you put no effort into taking care of yourself.

"Shut up!" I shout aloud.

Now see what you've done. People are looking at you weirdly.

A lady walks up to me, just to see the dark circles under my tear-stained eyes.

"Are you alright?" There was real concern on her face.

She thinks you're a nutcase, don't talk to her.

"I'm fine," I manage, fully attempting to ignore the voice.

"Are you sure?"

"Yep, I'm fine."

Well, now she thinks there's something wrong with you. Just stop talking.

"I need to get to school," I tell her. "Thanks for the concern."

You need help.

"Nope, I need coffee," I tell The Voice.

Tell yourself whatever you need to, to get through the day.

The coffee shop around the corner had the best nitro coffee, which had the most caffeine. I needed the extra caffeine today.

~~At School~~

"Robin, you're late again!" Callie practically shouts when I walk through the classroom door.

I don't say anything, as usual.

Say something, they think you're looking down on them.

"Shut up, Voice." I think.

"Hey, Robin, are you okay?" Sari asks. "You look like shit!"

Sari's group laughs, as though it was funny.

"Just fine," I say. "Little bitch," I mutter under my breath.

"Are you sure?” She sneers. “You’ve been like that since-”

“Don’t you dare say his name,” I say, hate dripping off my voice. 

“What the hell? Is there something wrong with saying your brother’s name?”

“No, just you are not worthy of saying his name.”

Now, look at what you’ve done. All of your classmates hate you, and you may have just disgraced your dear, dead brother.

“Just get out of my head!” I scream at the top of my lungs. 

I fall to the ground in a dead faint. 

When I come to, I’m in a small room that smells of antiseptic. 

“Ugh, where am I?” I croak.

“You are in the nurse’s office,” the girl at the desk says without looking up from her textbook. 

“Why am I here though?”

“You dropped in a dead faint and scared all your classmates.”

“Everyone probably actually hates me now. I should’ve thought before I started trying to talk to The Voice.”

“One of your classmates, Nero, brought you here. He was the only one who wasn’t affected by you passing out.” 

“Oh.”

“Nero is always quiet, but he’s really nice.” I think. 

Before I could do anything else, Nero walks into the Nurse’s office with a split lip, and a bleeding nose. 

“Now what happened to you?” the girl at the desk asks. “Why is your face bleeding?”

“Nothing.”

He helped you, now he got hurt. It’s your fault he’s hurt. You better apologize to him. As I had told you, people get hurt because of you, just like Jay.

“Don’t.”

Nero came and sat down on the other cot in the small side room. He began to clean the blood off of his face. 

“What actually happened?” I whispered.

He looked at me with his silver-blue eyes. 

“Sari had some of her guys rough me up because I carried you here.”

“I knew it. Its all my fault.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“You got hurt because of me,” tears well in my eyes. “Just like what happened to Jay.” The tears spill over as I think about that day five months ago. 

~~~~

“Robin, be careful.” 

“Jay, I’ll be fine, see you later!”

“Robin! Look out!”

*Crash!*

Jay shoved me out of the way in time. He was hit by the car instead of me, and I never forgot. 

There’s a Greek Goddess for this kind of thing. 

Nemesis, The Goddess of Revenge. 

I was supposed to die, but instead, Jay died in my place. 

An Eye for An Eye.

For weeks after he passed away, I couldn’t function. I couldn’t even talk. Jay was my twin brother, and we planned to do everything together, including college and things like that. 

That wouldn’t happen now. 

~~~~

“Hey, you okay?” Nero asks me.

“I-I’m not sure,” I say, with the tears still spilling down my face. “I don’t know.”

Stop showing emotion, Nero will think you’re weak.

“Stop, Just stop. I’m done listening to you.”

After that, the Voice said nothing. Finally some mental peace. 

“You’ll be okay. Jay wanted you to live, that’s why he sacrificed his life to save yours.”

Nero was Jay’s best friend, and he was almost like a brother to me. Ever since Jay died, I haven’t talked to Nero, and now, I felt really bad about it. 

“Hey, Nero,” I say once I’ve calmed. “I’m sorry for cutting contact. I really didn’t mean to.”

“What if he hates me now? What if he’s gonna be mad? What if, What if, what if,” was going through my mind. 

“It’s okay. Life must be hard without him around, right?”

“Yeah. But what about you? He was your best friend,” I point out. 

“His sister is still here, and that reminds me of him all the time.” 

“Ugh, all this cheesy shit is making me sick,” the girl at the desk complains. “Can you two do that somewhere else?”

Nero laughs and so do I. 

“You know, that’s the first time I’ve heard you laugh since, you know.” 

“Yeah, it’s probably the first time I’ve laughed since Jay’s funeral.”

“What you said earlier, though,” Nero brought up. “Something about someone getting out of your head?”

A wave of panic washes through me. My hands shake, my heart races, and my mind whirls. 

“There’s a Voice in my head,” I manage. “It won’t leave me alone, and it only decided to appear after Jay died.”

“A Voice?”

“Yep.” 

“Who does it sound like?”

I have to think for a moment. “It sounds like Jay, but not really.”

“What if it’s your voice? Talking to to you, telling you what your mind can’t, just in a different way?”

“But why does it tell me things like ‘everything is your fault’ and ‘everyone will hate you if you say the wrong thing’. Stuff like that.”

“And you haven’t told anyone? Maybe your mom?”

“Nope, the voice also tells me that everyone’s gonna think I’m crazy.”

“Well, it’s probably something like Anxiety, or maybe PTSD.”

“I never thought about t that way.”

“It’s a normal thing that happens if you have a major stressor in your life, like Jay’s death. You blamed yourself, and that resulted in you having Anxiety.”

“That makes perfect sense.”

~~Months Later~~

“Hey! Robin!” Kiera calls to me. “You’re gonna be late!”

“Save me a seat!” I yell back. 

Since that day in the Nurse’s office when Nero told me I had Anxiety, I’ve done a lot to combat the Voice in my head, and think for myself. I’d even made a few friends, Kiera, Nero, Dylan, and even Callie. Sari was still a bitch, but whatever. 

My life was going pretty okay, and I even visit Jay almost every day.

The Voice still comes and goes occasionally, but I know how to deal with it now.