Don’t talk to me about your stupid stars

Of course it wasn’t about the meteor shower. He couldn’t care less about the meteors. Well, that’s not entirely true. He cared a little. He had never seen one and was curious what it would look like. He imagined, perhaps wrongly, bright streaks across the sky like smoky sparklers cutting through the black of a 4th of July night. 

Really it was about a boy. For Patrick, it was always about a boy. He hated that about himself, for many reasons, some darker than others. 

But there he sat in his car outside his best friend’s house clawing his eyes out waiting for her to hurry the fuck up. They were already running late. He had gone to the door to fetch her but when her parents said she was still getting ready, he told them he would just wait in the car. He knew it was kind of rude, but he hoped it would hurry her along. But his plan had not worked. It had already been almost 45 minutes and there was still no sign of her. 

He climbed out of the car and went back to the door. It was late and the neighborhood was quiet. The meteor shower was supposed to start around 1am, and their parents had given them special permission to stay out past curfew. He had been afraid to ask his parents, sure they would say no, or, worse, that they would ask who had invited him and he would be forced to say his crush’s name and then his face would twitch or his tone of voice would change or he would melt on the spot and his parents would find out. But thankfully they had only asked who he was going with, and when he said Alice they seemed satisfied and said he could go. 

He was about to knock when the door opened, as if repelled by his fist. It was Alice’s dad. 

“She’s still not ready. You sure you don’t want to just wait here on the couch?” he said.

“Thank you, Mr. Michaels, but we’re going to be late to the meteor shower and I was hoping I could just go up and talk to her.” 

“Sure, go on up.”

“Thanks,” Patrick said as he hurried past and up the stairs. 

“Ally…” he said in a loud whisper as he headed down the hall to her room. He wanted to scream but figured her mom and sleeping younger brother wouldn’t appreciate that. 

Her door was closed, which struck him as not a good sign. Knocking lightly he said, “Alice, what are you doing? Let’s go. We’re gonna miss it.”

The door swung open to reveal a pajama-clad Alice with a frown on her face that stretched to the floor. 

“You’re in your pajamas? And why do you look like your dog just died,” he said, with a bit more force than he intended. 

“That’s rude, what if my dog had just died?” she said, as if holding back tears. 

“I saw him when I came in, he’s fine. So what’s the deal? I thought we were going to the meteor shower. I don’t want to miss it.”

“Why do you care so much about the meteor shower? It’s just, like, a bunch of rocks falling from the sky.”

“I’m not sure that’s how it works, but what do you mean? We talked about this. We were both pumped to go. It will be cool. And we get to stay out late.” He gave her a pleading yet I-need-you-to-get-on-board-right-now look.

“I know…I know. But now I’m not really feeling it. What if we just stayed here and watched a movie or something?” she said without looking at him. Something was a bit off. 

“Hmm, but we do that all the time. Let’s do something else for a change.” She had plopped herself down on the bed, and he sat down at the foot of the bed and looked back at her. “What’s up? Something’s wrong, I can tell.”

“I don’t know,” she sighed. 

He looked at his watch, which he regretted as soon as he did it. She looked at him and then his watch and rolled her eyes. 

“Ugh, if you’re so gung-ho, then just go by yourself,” she said, turning away from him. 

“Ally, come on. I’m sorry. I just…I just really want to go, it’s going to be fun. We’ll both have fun, I know it.” He was trying to be convincing but it was hard when the only thing that was convincing himself to go was a boy who he barely knew, and he couldn’t tell Ally that. Right? 

She turned back towards him and looked him in the eyes. “I think you just want to go because you want to see someone. Ever since we got invited it’s all you’ve talked about.”

He opened his mouth to speak but then stopped himself and looked away, feeling his face grow hot. Stupid face. 

“Oh my god, I’m right.”

“No, Ally, you’re not right. What are you talking about? I want to see hot rocks blast through the atmosphere. That’s it.”

“So you can call them rocks but I can’t? Whatever, Patrick.”

“Allllyyyy,” he said, chuckling. 

“Tell me the truth, Patrick. Are we going because you want to see someone there?” she said, with a seriousness that he wasn’t used to. 

He sighed, blowing a heavy stream of air through his lips. “I did like the idea of maybe getting to know some of those kids, yeah. But there’s not like one person or anything,” he lied. 

She sat up and studied him. 

“What?” he said. “What’s going on, Ally?”

“You’d tell me, right? If you…I don’t know. If you liked someone?” 

“Of course,” he lied again. “Of course I’d tell you. But there’s no one. You know I don’t really care about that stuff.”

She narrowed her eyes, the disbelief washing briefly over her face before she mustered a smile. 

“Okay.”

“Okay,” he said, punching her lightly in the shoulder. “Let’s goooo.”

“Ugh, leave so I can get dressed.”

#

Another long ten minutes later, they were finally heading out the door. They both instinctively looked up at the sky as they made their way to the car but there wasn’t anything to see. The shower was supposed to start in 20 minutes and it would take about 30 minutes to get to the meeting spot, which was a ways up on the hill behind their neighborhood. 

“How long does a meteor shower last anyway?” Alice said.

“No idea, but if we miss it, our friendship is over.”

“Well, maybe that’s for the best anyway. I always thought you were too dumb for me. You don’t even know what a meteor is.”

“Screw you, Ally. I hope a meteor hits you in the face.”

She laughed, but he could tell she still wasn’t quite her normal self. Nervous almost. Or maybe he was projecting, transferring the pit that had grown in his stomach to her. 

He had been so excited when Wes had asked him (him) if he wanted to join them for the meteor shower that Saturday. He and Wes had a couple classes together, and they sometimes saw each other on the weekends when their mutual friends had people over, but they didn’t really talk much. This was mostly a result of Patrick’s inability to form coherent sentences when he was around Wes. Patrick just stuck to secretly (he hoped it wasn’t too obvious) watching Wes from a distance, equal parts dreading and desiring the moment when Wes would walk up to him to say something. 

And then Wes did exactly that in the hall on Tuesday. Patrick closed his locker to find Wes headed straight for him. Patrick did a full 360 trying to figure out who Wes was looking at. Wes had laughed at him and pointed at Patrick, mouthing you. Patrick could hardly believe it and through the whole conversation (if one can call it that) he only managed a few mumbled words along the lines of Sure, I’d love, like, that sounds great, good, cool. Thanks, yeah, bye, see, later.

He had run to Alice immediately after to ask if she wanted to go and she had said yes, but even then he could tell she approached his excitement with some confusion, telling him to take a chill pill. And he really had talked about it non-stop the next few days, doing his best to temper his feelings, but apparently failing. 

And now that they were almost there, he felt mostly nervous, not excited, though he couldn’t quite figure out why. Well, he knew of course why, but this felt like a more intense anxiousness than usual, an anticipation that something could happen or would happen overwhelming him. That Wes having asked him, invited him personally, meant something, that maybe Wes, impossibly, harbored some sort of feelings for Patrick, too. 

“You’re shivering,” Alice said out of nowhere, breaking him out of his thoughts.

“I am?” He was. “Oh, just feeling cold I guess. It’s kinda chilly tonight.” He cranked up the heat and avoided her stare, which he could feel boring into him from the passenger seat. He waited for her to say something more, to call him out again, but she didn’t. Suddenly, he wasn’t sure if that was worse. 

Patrick and Alice both kept looking outside for signs of the onslaught of space rocks, but still nothing. 

“Can’t believe you don’t have a sunroof,” she said.

He didn’t hear her. They were pulling into the parking lot of the small park where the meet up was, and he was already scanning the cars for Wes’s. 

“Huh?” he said finally. 

“Nothing,” she said, the word dripping with annoyance.

“Sorry, sorry. Just looking for a place to park,” he said. 

“Sure.”

The drive had taken longer than they expected and he could see a line of people at the overlook point with their necks craned to the sky. He thought he could make out Wes’s silhouette towards the center of the group. 

He parked in a hurry, pressing too hard on the brake, jerking them forward. 

“Jesus. Careful, Patrick.”

“Come on, get out, get out. We’re gonna miss it.”

“I don’t think we’re going to miss it,” he heard her mumble.

He rushed out of the car, not bothering to lock it or wait for Alice. He beelined to the group, feeling as though a magnet was drawing him to them, to him. 

“Patrick…Patrick…Patrick!” Alice called from behind. But he ignored her, trying to locate both Wes and an open space next to him in the group. 

As he drew nearer, the silhouette he thought was Wes’s was indeed his, but he noticed that Wes’s arm was around the person next to him. Both of them were looking to the sky. Patrick still hadn’t looked up. 

“Patrick, look!” Alice was still trying to get his attention, but he couldn’t peel his eyes from his destination. 

He was almost to the group when he felt a hand grab his coat and pull him back, turning him around. 

“Patrick, would you stop?” Alice was pointing to the sky but looking at him with wide, concerned eyes. 

“What, Alice, geez, I’m just trying to get to the spot,” he said, clearly losing patience.

He looked back towards the group just in time to see Wes lean over to the person next to him, a girl from their grade who he had never talked to, and kiss her. 

At the moment he realized why he had been so nervous, why he had been rushing. This had felt to him like his moment, though he knew, it having been made especially clear now, how stupid that was. He knew they would never be able to do what Wes and that girl were doing right now, but it could have been a first moment for them. Where maybe they both realized something, where maybe they got to stand closer together in a semi-romantic setting, where maybe they got to feel, as the sky lit up, their arms light up with an interstellar heat as they gently grazed each other. 

Maybe he wouldn’t have felt so alone for those few minutes. 

But, he had been too late. Wes was already absorbed into someone else’s orbit, someone else’s atmosphere. 

He still hadn’t looked up, and he didn’t want to. He didn’t care to see what had made Wes kiss that girl. He didn’t care to see rocks masquerading as stars, teasing him, begging him to wish for the thing he could never, would never have. 

He looked back at Alice, and he saw that she had followed his gaze. And then she met his eyes, and his face fell, and she hugged him. 

“Let’s just go home. Screw those dumb rocks.”