Things Best Left Unsaid

“Is he going to understand where he is, Dr. Soma?”

Somasundaram, but most people call me Soma, the man had said when they met for the first appointment. A doctor in jeans and a worn-out tee I wouldn’t use to wash the floor or even garden in. What happened to a shirt, tie, and white coat?

“Not unless you tell him, Ms. Ruhl, certainly not at first, and perhaps not ever…” He paused. “Though he may appear confused or repeat certain questions at times. That’s completely normal.” He let the absurdity of that statement hang in the air, fighting a sheepish grin from taking over his cheeks and climbing up his face. The effect was unpleasant.

“He graduated top of his class and has over 1,000 positive reviews”, my earbuds whispered. I sighed. You knew. Knew what you were getting into, even when you found that box, certainly knew before you walked into Dr. Unpronounceable’s office nearly a year ago. But still…

The keyboard’s backlight was shining indigo, then green, shifting through the colors of the rainbow with some speed, awaiting my input. A gamer’s keyboard. Figures…

“Typing is best, at least initially,” Dr. Soma had said. “Most people won’t be able to keep the emotion out of their voice until much later, and I think you’re probably in the same camp, Ms. Ruhl.”

“Dad?” I typed slowly, each letter registering a full, satisfying click.

Nothing. “Dad?”

Then he answered.

***

I found the box a month after Mom passed away. Gary had moved to Europe in the mid-Twenties and didn’t even come for the funeral. “You know how it is with visas, nowadays, Sis,” he’d said. I could feel him shooing away his wife to keep her from barging in, though it was just audio. “I want nothing to do with you, Dad, and this whole crazy country”, that’s what he’d told Mom five years earlier, grabbing only his backpack and phone, and storming out. He’d only called once or twice since, so it was not a surprise. Getting rid of a lifetime of accumulated odds and ends was up to me.

It wasn’t fast work. My tiny city apartment would fit pretty much nothing, and I’d been warned, by friends and well-wishers, about the pitfalls of getting a monthly storage unit, so I tried to err on the side of efficiency over sentimentality.

The record collection was a find, though, worth at least a few thousand on eBay, as were the Hummel figurines — who knew? A local library had graciously agreed to take the physical books. When will the government shut down that boondoggle?

I was nearly finished with the upstairs bookshelf when I came across the photo albums in the cabinet at the bottom. I couldn’t believe how many paper photographs they still had, some of Grandma’s stuff, but plenty of their own. Anything I would have wanted to keep was already digitized, so these would probably go.

It was then that I discovered the box. Why would Dad keep a pair of Nikes next to his precious books? I wasn’t sure I’d ever even seen him exercising. Curious, I opened it, expecting to see — perhaps — some collectible basketball shoe. But it was a box full of videotapes.

It wasn’t a set of recorded classical masterpieces or some old audiobooks in an ancient format. These were TDK videotapes, the winding kind, meticulously labeled and dated monthly, all twelve of them, with the last two only a week apart. The last one was recorded just two days before he died.

***

“Gary?” he said, looking and sounding just as he did before getting sick, the ThreeV image betrayed by a tiny bit of dust passing through the projector’s rays.

I drew a sharp breath. Of course, why wouldn’t you think it’s your firstborn? He’d only left long before you died, and wouldn’t want anything to do with you, while I was there bathing you when Mom would collapse for the night under one too many Xanax. Of course, you would…”

“He has no way of knowing who is typing until we turn on the video,” Dr. Soma added, somewhat unhelpfully. I gave him a look.

“It’s Janine, Dad,” I typed. “Your daughter.”

“Janine…”, his voice trailed off, more resigned than questioning. “Where am I, honey?” He paused, coughed a few times. Just like it was towards the end. “Why can’t I see anything?”

It was ready to pour out of me, a short, vindictive “because you’re dead, dammit, dead, and buried with your secrets!” Dr. Soma put what he must have thought was a reassuring hand on my shoulder, slowing me down.

“Easy now, Hon,” the earbuds whispered. “You got this…”

“Dad, it will get better. But I have a few questions for you. Is that ok?”

***

They didn’t have a video cassette player. At least none that I could find. I don’t know if I’ve ever even seen one before, wasn’t sure how I knew these were tapes in the first place. Maybe it was the labels or the tell-tale winding gear wheels inside them.

Should I just throw them out? I focused my glasses on one of the labels. No response. “Where can I digitize these?” I asked — as if the question wasn’t obvious.

A few names appeared before me, inviting me to check their recommendation level.

“A few of them also offer avatar services,” the earbuds added, highlighting “Undying Love.” As if I haven’t seen their ads a million times.

“Ugh, no. Find one that will just get me the videos.”

“Sure thing, Hon. Close them up and leave them on the front porch.” The AI paused, calculating. “Drone will be here to pick them up in thirty minutes.”

***

“Dad, do you remember making some video recordings before you…” I stopped myself. “Do you remember?”

His eyes darted around, and he looked away for a moment, as if he wasn’t comfortable answering. Looked back at me. Through me, really.

“Gary?” he asked plaintively. I almost jumped out of my chair.

“One moment, one moment, Ms. Ruhl.” Dr. Soma’s assistant rushed to fiddle with something on the large remote control panel on the side wall. “I have to adjust the memory buffer size. Sorry about that…”

I settled back. “It’s Janine, Dad. Can I ask you some questions about the video recordings you made?”

“Janine,” he said, pausing, just like the first time. It was unnerving. I looked up at the doctor — he nodded encouragingly.

“Yes, Dad. Do you remember?”

“I remember, Janine.”

“Why did you record these? And why tapes? Couldn’t you store them in the house AI?” Or you could have just talked to us.

He took a few seconds to respond, eyes blinking rapidly; it was the one way you could still tell it wasn't him. “I’d wanted him to put in an effort. Gary. And you,” he hastened to add, at last remembering who he was talking to. “I wanted both of you to care enough to do it. Otherwise, what is the point…” He trailed off. “Am I dead?”

***

I was out jogging and working up a sweat on a balmy November afternoon, typical for Austin, when the inbox icon flashed in front of my eyes, unobtrusive but persistent. “Do you want to see it now, Hon, or save it back to the house?” The earbuds chimed in.

“To the house,” I muttered under my breath, then decided to do a couple more miles, afraid of having to come home, afraid of having to listen to whatever he had to say. The earbuds gave in first: “You’re running dangerously low on electrolytes, Hon. We don’t want a heatstroke. Let’s go home.”

I listened, as I’ve done all my life, legs soon turning in the right direction, as if by themselves, and then one step after the other, delivering me to my doors, seemingly none too worse for the wear. I gulped down a StayLo, ugh, why do they make them taste so sweet, and jumped in the shower, leaving the waterproof earbuds on the vanity, though the water pressure would have probably drowned them out anyway. Whatever, a few minutes of peace. If that.

The vent’s turbine kicked in for a few seconds, clearing the remnants of the steam. I let the mirror scan me, the first full scan of the day, as I sleep in pajamas, AC blasting — hey, it’s Texas.

BMI is in check, the mirror was showing. Reminded me to get that one mole on my right leg checked out. No concerns in the urine sample taken earlier. No changes overall. Thank God for small favors…

I put the earbuds back in. “About time, Hon,” they said, trying to guilt me.

Was about to put the glasses back on, then decided against it and left them on the counter, the home computer would do.

“Okey, dokey,” I said, nodding to myself in the mirror, “let’s go see what the old man has to say…”

***

The abrupt existential question startled Dr. Soma and his staff, and they started whispering furiously. As if I’m not even in the room…

“Dr. Soma? What do I say now?”

He didn’t seem to mind that I interrupted their little symposium. “This is very interesting, Ms. Ruhl, they rarely realize it this early in the conversation, but perhaps because of the topic… Would you mind asking him why he thinks he’s dead?”

“Why are you asking me that, Dad?” I hesitated, then added, “Do you already know the answer?”

The medical crew went back to whispering furiously. The ThreeV image flickered momentarily, then resumed.

“I had asked Mom to share these only once I died, Janine. Did she not tell you? Is she there?”

No, she didn’t tell me! “Your blood pressure is elevated, Hon,” the earbuds said in a voice calibrated to soothe.

I turned to Dr. Soma. “Doctor, I think I’m ready for the full video feed now. I’m not sure that I can get what I need otherwise.”

The doctor opened his mouth, started to say something, looked at me, and thought the better of it. Nodded curtly, and made a gesture. The assistant fiddled with the remote control panel.

“Ah, there you are, Janine. You look good.” He smiled, a smile warmer than it had any right to be, warmer than any smile of his that I’ve seen at least in the last few years of his life. “Mom couldn’t come?”

It was hard to hold back the tears. “Yes, Dad, you are dead. More than five years now.” I hesitated for a moment. “And no, she didn’t tell me. And now she is dead, too.” I studied his face, waving away the tissue quickly offered by the considerate Dr. Soma. Let him see my tears. Let him see me, for once.

He started crying.

***

The digitized archive opened up to show twelve separate files. I opened the first one…

If I expected a major revelation, it wasn’t there. Just the realization that he was dying, and the decision to create a video diary, to capture things left unsaid.

I listened to most of the first recording. Skimmed through a few of the others.

It was tough, watching him deteriorate a second time, his face growing gaunter from month to month, but still making excuses. The universe, as always, was still out to get him.

I finally got to the last recording. It was noticeably shorter than the others. He was in a coma towards the very end, so these might be among his last few lucid moments…

He was in his hospital bed. “Gary,” he started. “It’s almost over. Almost… And you haven’t called. I wish… I wish you could forgive me. I… I forgive you for leaving…”

He got into a bad coughing fit that lasted an eternity. Finally catching his breath, he wiped away a tear from his flabby, unshaven cheek.

“Janine…,” he started, then went into another coughing fit. This time it wouldn’t stop. He dropped the camera and the frame went all out of whack, though I could hear the sound of nurses rushing in.

And then the video went blank.

I sat there, stupefied. Mom must have collected it from his bed.

“Hon, Hon, it’s ok,” the earbuds whispered, trying to comfort me.

“Undying Love,” I said out loud when I could finally speak. “Gather everything we have, including these, and send it to them. I want to talk to him.”

“Yes, Dear” the AI replied meekly.

***

The ThreeV image made him look less gaunt than in those few final videos. Figures, since they had to work with a much larger set of images. Or perhaps because the good doctor doesn’t want to upset you too much.

I couldn’t touch him, couldn’t wipe away his tears; the tech hadn’t quite gotten there yet, so I sat there, watching him sob, until he finally sighed, that sigh of relief you make when the grief finally releases the pressure on your heart and acceptance settles in. Uncanny, had he ever done that in real life? I don’t think so…

“I’m sorry, Dad. But no, Mom never told us… Never told me anything. And Gary…”

I thought about saying: “You know he’d cut us off long ago,” but left it unsaid.

“Will you tell him, though? Will you tell him I’m sorry?” Gary, always Gary.

“He is happy, Dad. He’s married now. Still lives in Europe. We’ve all long gotten past that idiotic election and moved on with our lives.” But he is not really a part of ours anymore, is he?

A frown on his face. Realization? Memory?

“Dad, on that last tape, you never finished it. You started to speak to me, but… You never got to say what you wanted to say.”

I let it hang in the air, that last coughing fit playing out in my mind even as his now calm, tears-wiped ThreeV image looked at me reassuringly.

It’s been a month since that day at Undying Love’s offices.

How can I know the truth of those last words? How can anyone know it wasn’t some clever manipulation by Dr. Soma or his staff? Who’s going to buy an avatar of their loved one for unhappy memories?

I cannot know. But I choose to believe it. Most days, I do.

“I wanted to say that I love you, Janine."

***

That was all he had to tell me that day… Mom talks to me all the time, through my earbuds. But him?

I haven’t turned him back on since.