Sea Glass Dreams

The first thing about Cape May that captured my attention was the light. She was the second. The light was unique, different. It wasn’t the sun, not directly. It was the way the light itself draped over everything like a soft, golden canopy protecting everything it touched. She was unique, too. Different. I could see that immediately, even if she couldn’t see me. Of course, she wasn’t looking for me. She was looking for something else. Something buried in the sand as she made her way down the beach.

I moved along with her, matching her strides and her pace, but keeping my distance to avoid being detected. When she kneeled again, I was finally able to identify what we were on the hunt for. Sea glass. Beautiful bits of it, jadestone green and cobalt blue. She held the pile in her cupped hands, admiring the shimmer from that same exceptional light. Suddenly she spoke, and it was only then that I realized I was too close to remain anonymous.

“You’re not from here,” she said without looking.

The slightest smirk appeared as if she’d just referenced an inside joke we’d been telling each other for years. I smiled too.

“You’re right. How’d you know?”

“You’ve got that look.”

“What look?” I asked.

“The kind people have when they’re trying to hold it together. Trying not to fall apart. People from here live in paradise. You look like you’re climbing out of hell.”

I didn’t answer. It wasn’t hurtful, not at all, it was just way too accurate. I could feel my breathing intensifying and worked to control it. She didn’t wait for him to answer, but once she turned to face him directly, he couldn’t have spoken if he wanted to. She held that smile as she held out her hands for me to see her treasure more clearly.

“Pretty right? It used to be a bottle. Or bottles. Now it’s just this, but something tells me this is the way it was always meant to exist. Each of them individual pieces but still part of something bigger.”

She retrieved one piece and held it out to me. I took it and examined it more closely. It really was beautiful. I wasn’t sure I could see it as deeply and thoughtfully as she did, but I was more than happy to try if it meant getting to know her better.

“I’m Maya,” she said.

“Luke.”

“Luke. I like that. Is Luke staying long?”

“Just the summer,” I said, unable to contain my own grin.

She nodded to herself like that was the answer she was expecting. Like it was the only possible answer I could have given. As if it were a predetermined response.

“Summer is the best time for disappearing,” she said before whirling toward the ocean and whipping the small mound of sea glass back where it came from.

Without another word, Maya turned and walked away. Her bare feet left a trail behind her. I wanted to follow her. To follow that trail until my last day. I never believed in love at first sight, or even love at all, but at that moment, I was a believer. With her natural blonde hair, her bronzed skin, and those alluring gray eyes, she was a goddess on her looks alone, but that was truly just the surface. There was a spirit to her. Something far deeper than the physical. As I watched her go, I looked back down at the gift she’d left in her place. Unlike Maya, I didn’t throw mine back to the ocean. Mine, I kept.

***

Aunt Janice’s house wasn’t much, but it was a five-minute walk from the beach. I couldn’t exactly complain. Especially since I had the place to myself. She’d given me permission to use it for a while to clear my head. It was only once I arrived that I found out she wouldn’t be here as well. Part of me was bummed at first. Aunt Janice had always been the fun aunt. The one that would listen without insisting on coming up with a fix for every emotion. Another part of me was relieved. There was enough going on inside my head. What I really needed was space,, and that was exactly what I was getting.

I paced around the house for an hour or two the morning after I met Maya, fighting off the urge to go back to the beach and sit there indefinitely in hopes of seeing her again. Every few minutes, I stopped walking circles to look at the piece of sea glass she had given me. I was able to make it to five minutes after eight before I lost all control. I practically ran back to the shore like every passing second was my last chance to see her. Not so surprisingly, when I arrived, I found the place deserted. It was way too early and apart from a few surfers out in the waves, I was alone. Or so I thought.

“You hungry?”

The voice startled me so much that I jumped and spun rather than turned. Maya stood a few feet from me, wearing that same cheeky grin and holding a brown paper sack out to me. I smiled and decided not to address my reaction. I opened the bag to find four sprinkles donuts. She let me hold it and began to walk away. I followed, hoping I was right in my assumption that that was what she wanted. We found a spot near the end of the pier and sat on the edge, our legs dangling free over the water as we devoured the pastries.

“So, Luke,” she said, pronouncing my name like it was her first time ever saying it. “Who are you here with?”

“No one. I mean, I’m staying at my aunt’s place, but she isn’t around.”

“Just a boy free in the world.”

“If you say so,” I said, preferring the term man over boy, but not willing to correct her.

“Do you like that? Being alone?”

“I don’t know if I like it, but I’m used to it.”

Silence. The quiet was long, and it stretched way further than I would have liked before she spoke again.

“I’m sorry,” she said finally.

“Sorry? For what?”

“You lost someone…recently…didn’t you?”

My throat tightened so quickly I thought I might choke. How in the hell could she know that? We’ve exchanged ten sentences since meeting, and never once did I mention it.

“How do you know—”

“I’m good at reading people. Same way I knew you weren't from here. Same way I knew you were looking to disappear. Who was it?”

This time I held the silence. I didn’t know that I was ready to talk about it. It was a big reason why I was okay with Aunt Janice not being around. It was too much. It hurt so fucking bad. But something about this girl…I felt like I could be open. Real.

“My brother.”

She nodded and took another bite of her donut before slowly reaching over and placing her hand over mine. We sat that way for over an hour. No sound aside from the crashing of the waves. No sensation except the warmth of her hand on mine. She never asked how. She didn’t have to.

***

That was how it started, and that was how it stayed. For weeks on end. Mornings on the beach, days riding bikes into the main part of town for cherry snow cones, and nights barefoot in the sand with only the fire and each other to keep us warm. She never once pressured me to talk about it. Not once, and yet, I did anyway. I felt safe with her. Safer than I had ever felt in my life. Like it didn’t matter what I said or how I said it, she would be on my side. She would fight alongside me, no matter what I was battling inside.

We talked about everything. About school, my paintings, our dreams…and then we talked about Ben. About how school and painting and chasing dreams stopped after that. We talked about her too, usually after I couldn’t talk anymore about Ben without losing it. She was wind and water. Always on the move, never standing still. Alive. She lived in the moment. Right now. She never talked about her past, not a single time. Only about the now and the next.

She was funny. So damn funny. She made me smile again, but more than that, she made me laugh again. She made me feel like I was laughing for the first time. She made food taste good again, made music a good thing. She brought the beauty back into life when I was sure I had lost it forever. Then the night came. We went for a swim. It was dark, but the moon was full and Maya decided to make a memory. She stood up from the sand, left her clothes right there in her place, and charged at the ocean. Without a second thought, I did the same.

It wasn’t sexual. It was just life. We were living life. Embracing every second and making it count. All of a sudden, she submerged and resurfaced right in front of me and grabbed my head with both hands. Slowly, she leaned in and kissed me. It was more than a kiss, though. It was something I will remember forever. Soft, slow, passionate. Like her lips were a perfect match for mine.

“I’ll miss this,” she whispered.

“What do you mean?”

She smiled.

“Nothing.”

***

Time passed in the strangest way as summer marched on. The days didn’t feel individual; they blended into each other the way that paint does on damp paper. The only way I really even knew how much time had passed was her sea glass collection. She rented a small, one-room apartment above a surf shop and under the one window in the place, she had a little bowl containing her collection. As the moments came and went, the bowl slowly filled with bits of green, blue, amber and even violet.

“You ever wonder where they came from?” she asked me one night, her head resting on my shoulder as we watched a thousand fireflies engage in their timeless dance.

“The glass?”

“No, the people who threw out the bottles that became the glass. You ever wonder about them? What they were doing, or who they were with or what they were drinking to forget?”

I smiled. Most of the time, when I was with her, it was all I could do.

“You love these kinds of questions.”

“Right. All the ones that don’t have answers,” she said.

There was something sad about how she said it. Something unhappy. I wanted to press on it, but something told me it wasn’t the time for that.

***

The next morning, she didn’t show. It was the first time in weeks. I was on the beach at sunrise, just like I had been every day before, but she was nowhere. I waited in our spot until noon before I finally lost my nerve. I wasn’t angry, I was terrified. She had become my only reason for life, and I couldn’t bear the thought of her disappearing. I made my way to the surf shop and up the stairs to her apartment. It was locked, and I gave up knocking after ten minutes, accepting that she wasn’t there. I searched the pier, walked the length of the beach, and even rode my bike around town. She was nowhere.

As the day dragged on, the sky became overcast and, as the sky grew darker, the pressure behind my eyes intensified. I skipped dinner and went to bed early, hoping that the next morning would be a restart. I would get to the beach to find her standing there with donuts or coffees. If nothing else, at least I could dream of her. That night, though, I dreamed of something else. I dreamed of flashing lights. Sirens. Of a stretcher being wheeled down a stark white hallway. I could hear Maya calling my name, but I couldn’t move.

Suddenly, I could see a light and I knew that was where she was, but I couldn’t move to it. As I looked down, I realized I was in sand and ancient roots had grabbed hold of my feet. Finally, I woke up, sitting up rigidly, feeling the beads of sweat trickle down my back. I felt something in my hand and when I looked down, I found a red piece of sea glass. It wasn’t the first piece she had given me. That piece was hidden for safekeeping. No. This was a new piece, and I had no memory of finding it.

***

It was three agonizing days before she returned. When I found her at our spot on the beach, she looked different. Tired. Duller. Like the light that shined so brightly from within her had dimmed somehow. I wasn’t sure what to do or so. What I wanted was to hug her and never let go, but I didn’t want to freak her out.

“You okay?” I asked.

“Are you?”

I nodded, confirming the lie, and we sat down in the sand, her head resting on my arm. It took more than thirty minutes before she finally spoke.

“This place…it’s like a pocket in between things. You ever notice that?”

“Is that why you took off? It’s getting too familiar?”

“I didn’t mean to stay this long.”

“But you did…you…you met me. Don’t leave, Maya.”

She turned to me and for the first time since meeting her, I was pretty sure I could see pain beneath her eyes. She spoke.

“You weren't supposed to stay this long either.”

I didn’t know how to respond, so I just said the first thing that came to mind.

“I haven’t felt this alive in forever.”

It came out as a whisper, like speaking any louder might result in a full breakdown. She nodded, that little smirk ever present.

“Exactly.”

“What do you mean? Tell me what’s going on.”

She didn’t. Instead, she kissed me. My world tilted, not because of the kiss, but because of what I somehow knew it represented. The end.

Sure enough, the next morning she was gone. The beach was empty, her upstairs apartment had been cleaned out, her glass collection was gone and the curtains hanging around the one window fluttered around as if they were saying goodbye.

***

Four days later, the dream came again. The sirens and the lights. Once again, I heard her call my name, but this time it woke me. It was so real that I was convinced she had actually called for me. Not knowing what else to do, I sprinted to the beach, all the way to where my bare feet met the water. And there she was, standing deep ankle in the ocean. She looked like she’d been there for centuries, just waiting. Waiting for me.

“I didn’t want to say goodbye like this,” she said.

“You don’t have to say it at all.”

“I was never meant to be so real, Luke.”

“What?”

“You’re dying.”

I froze. I didn’t have time to ask questions, not that I could have come up with any.

“You created this place in your mind to hold you…to keep you safe until you decided…”

“What are you talking about? Decided what?”

“If you wanted to fight your way back or…just drift away.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Maya, all I know is I need you.”

“You made me. You needed to feel what it was to laugh again. To feel the sun on your face. To have hope. To live.”

“No. You’re not just something I made up!” I screamed.

“And you’re not just a boy who gave up. You don’t have to be done. You can fight. You can keep living, but you have to go now.”

My head dropped, and the tears fell to the sand below.

“I don’t want to live in a world without you,” I said.

“You’ve already gotten through the worst of it, Luke. Now you just have to live.”

She turned my hand over and placed a small violet piece of sea glass in it. I looked down at it and when I looked back up again, she was gone.

***

The first thing I noticed was the beep. It was mechanical and rhythmic. Then the light weight of the sheets, the smell of antiseptic in the air. Then a voice. Maya…no, someone else.

“Luke?”

My mother.

“It’s okay, honey, you’re going to be okay now.”

I fell back into sleep again until the door opened a few hours later, and a nurse came in. She checked my IV and as she did, she noticed something that even I hadn’t. There was something balled up in my fist. She slowly rolled my fingers back to find a small piece of violet sea glass.

“Now, where did this come from?” she asked, more to the universe than to me.

I didn’t answer. I just smiled.

You were real Maya. You saved me. Thank you so much. Thank you for the sea glass dreams.