Who I am

4:00 

Coffee on my desk, thoughts on my mind, I began. I had to get into Harvard. This had been a goal of mine since I was 14. My fingers clicked along the surface of the keyboard on my laptop. With every keystroke I wrote about my interests and my goals in life. I wanted to study architecture. When I was younger, my dad and I had built Legos together. I loved building with him, and when he passed, I was destined to continue building things. When he died, I was only seven. I remember him, laying there in his hospital bed, his lips moving almost in slow motion, struggling to get words out. These eight words I never let go of,  

“don’t ever let go of who you are” 

He died, later that afternoon. After he died, I remember thinking to myself, who am I? I had never really thought about this before. I finally figured it out, when I was 14, that I was going to be an architect. Women were not generally architects. This is who I was. This was my mark that I was going to leave on the world. I didn’t just want to be a mediocre architect, so I made an additional standard to get into Harvard. Now I'm 17, writing college admission letters and praying that I get into the ivy-league school that has a 5% acceptance rate. You think I'm crazy right? Me too.  

My phone buzzes and I look down from my typing. It’s a text from Noah, my boyfriend. He wants to go out tonight. He seems to want to go out almost every night. I almost always say no due to the constant stress and commitment it takes to write to different colleges and planning. I felt guilty. I guess I could go tonight, I mean I have nothing else going on. I looked back down at my phone. “sure” I texted. My phone buzzed again. It read, dinner. I’ll be there to pick you up at 7. I looked at my watch. 4:30. I had two and a half hours before I needed to be ready to go. I needed to budget an hour of that time to getting ready. I needed three more hours to finish getting this paper written.  

Okay, I thought, I can go out tonight and then come back and finish this paper on time. I needed to send it in tomorrow morning. I can pull an all-nigher. I’ve done it before. I took a deep breath and continued writing. 

6:00 

I checked my watch again. This time, it read 6:00. I closed my laptop, got up from my desk, and walked over to my closet. I had several new dresses. My mom was big on shopping, especially after dad died. I reached my hand out to grab the hanger with the short, soft, navy blue pencil dress. I pulled off my jeans and slipped on the skirt. Now for shoes, black flats. These were my go-to date shoes. They were SUPER comfortable. I then strode over to the bathroom and brushed my hair up into a bun, put on mascara and lipstick and I was done. I looked back at my watch. It was 6:45. He would be here soon. I pulled my laptop back out and continued writing. 

7:00 

His blue Subaru pulled up to my house. It was brand new. He had bought it about three months before. I remember that he took me with him to the dealership. I also remember thinking of my dad, when we bought it. He had a white KIA. It was always clean and there was never a crumb from me or any of my siblings on the ground because he would vacuum it out twice a week, more so when we were little kids, but when we got older, he went to only doing it once a week. When I was three, we bought that car. I held his hand and got a lollipop afterwards Mom couldn’t bear the thought of him, so she sold it after he died. That car always smelled good, kind of like fresh leather, which made sense. 

I came back from my daydream with the ring of the doorbell. I turned the lock on the door and twisted the knob. 

“bye mom!” I yelled up the stairs. 

“Hey!” Noah beamed 

“Hello.” I answered. 

Noah’s sweet face was there to meet mine with a swift kiss. He was a great kisser. I really liked him. He was always there when I needed him the most. Lately, I feel I've pushed him away. I have been so busy lately with college stuff. I smiled at him. Noah has been there for me through everything. We have been close friends since my dad died really. Noah opened the car door for me. I climbed into the car taking note of the fresh new car smell. Just like dads. When Dad died, Noah was there. He was always there to comfort me.   

7:15 

I got out of the car and looked at the restaurant sign that read “cloak and petal” Oh my god! I was so distracted with college prep that I didn’t realize that he was taking me to one of the fanciest restaurants in town. I felt so underdressed in my casual pencil skirt and white t-shirt. This was like suit wearing territory. I was not prepared. 

“Noah!” I exclaimed, “You didn’t have to do this you know!” I could feel my cheeks burning. 

“I know” he smiled.  

We walked inside, both beaming. The waiter showed us to our tables, and we sat down. I felt my phone vibrate. It was a notification. Papers were due, earlier than expected. I was in for a late night. Noah looked at me. I was so focused on my phone that I didn’t notice it until he said,  

“what's up?”  

“Oh, just college stuff.” I replied. I put my phone on silent and zipped it back up into my purse.  

“do you know what today is?” Noah said. 

“no, what is today?” I replied. 

“our 1-year anniversary.” 

My face turned white. I forgot. I completely forgot. How could I do this?? Noah was big on these kinds of things. 

“oh” he said. I could hear the disappointment in his voice as he read my face. “you need to take a break from that college stuff.” 

“god, Noah I'm so sorry.”  

He stood up and walked out. I followed him. “Noah, wait!” he turned around and just stared at me for a moment. 

“we should break up. You’ve been so focused on getting into your stupid college lately that you forgot about your own god damn boyfriend! I thought I loved you! But you seem to be more focused on everything else, so I guess I rescind that offer.” 

“Where the hell did this come from Noah? You were so excited to go out 5 minutes ago!” 

“This has built up ever since you started talking about going to Harvard. You started forgetting about the little things. You even forgot my birthday last week” 

“oh, shit.” His birthday was last week. I totally forgot. But maybe this was for the best. I can’t be focusing on Noah when I need to focus on getting into a college that I have loved since I was a freshman. "I guess this is for the best” I said quietly. 

“yeah, I guess.” He replied. I felt a feeling of guilt and I realized that I didn’t want to break up with him. I said the first thing that came to mind. 

“can we still be friends?” 

“I’ll think about it. I don’t know if I want to be.” 

“Noah, I’ve known you for ten years. This is ridiculous. I’m going to call my mom to pick me up, go home. I can’t even look at you right now.” 

I felt tears begin to stream down my face. Then I was straight up sobbing. I couldn’t take it anymore. My mom's silver Hyundai pulled up to the restaurant. I got in and told her I didn’t want to talk, and I didn’t. Then I remembered what my dad had said, “never let go of who you are.” I realized that college was who I am. I didn’t need a boy telling me what I could and couldn’t do. I graduated from Harvard with a master's degree in architecture in 2018. College was and is who I am.