TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART

“He loved me, but he wanted to rule over me. One day, I’ll be leaving this earth, so I could not do anything but allow him to speak for this part. 

I am Huebert Gray, bipolar in nature. I have a mental health disorder called manic depression which causes extreme mood swings every now and then.

Well, I'm studying as a college student in the Philippines. I decided to pursue my goals of working here after graduating with my bachelor’s degree. One of my professor’s asked me, “Why did you choose to major in Science?” “Basic. Science is my favorite subject. Learning about Eclipse is my lesson preference.” “In addition, my motivation is here.” ending phrase unspoken.

During my sophomore years, I met a cute brat named Kurtney. We were seatmates, close friends, and lovers. Oh no, it’s unrequited love rather. I can’t explain exactly, but we like each other’s company. We keep in touch, on good terms. I mean we do these romantic acts of generation youths, but it feels different inside her. After realizing all these things between us, I suddenly had a gut instinct: What if we have the same feelings too? Should I do something? Are oops better than what if’s? I started the first try, and suddenly found ourselves super puerile. We had this online chat:

Me: By any chance, do you like me?

She: Isn’t it obvious?

Me: (speechless)

She: What’s the matter? Are you not glad that you know who admires you? Don’t worry, it’s not as if I will only fall for you.

Me: Woah! So was it me who was expecting much here?

She: What do you mean?

Me: Isn’t it obvious?

She: (speechless)

This convo is something that ended us who were afraid to find love with one another. I don’t know why we both suddenly showed those thoughts and feelings, but I guess love has come its own way. And I was right with my instinct! However, we felt clumsiness and became insensitive towards each other. We were not ready to commit to one another. There is this reason that I can’t figure out. So I first let her go completely obvious. I transferred and returned to California a week after. 

My stay in our country wasn’t turning easy. I missed everything in the Philippines, not in a denial to include her. But I was only assuming for a love that was never reliable.

Three year later, there was a leading notification which thrilled the whole world. A Total Lunar Eclipse will occur on the 28th of February. Everyone was extremely excited, and that surprised me too! I waited for that day forward to come. 

Here’s “yes!” It revealed during the dawn as the whole neighborhood was sleeping silently. But for me, I didn’t miss the chance. I finally witnessed the awaited eclipse. And there, at that very moment, I saw Kurtney on the other side of the bridge. Her presence was clear in my bare eyes. I knew it was her, and that I wasn’t dreaming. Then I saw how the moon covered the earth just as I related my fate with her. The world turned black as it seemed to reflect our undefined love. 

Everything was questionable to me. “Why should we end up in this setting when I thought we were on the same side? Why is there a big space between us when I thought our feelings were all right?” I think I should always take the first step. I should be man enough to do what’s right for a real man to do. 

I then found out that she started a job here in San Francisco. I have witnessed how far she has gone for her dreams to be a science officer in a prestigious science department, the Starfleet Academy. “Woah! What a huge success!” As for me, yeah here I am, still looking up where the stars start to shine on me. Where does this sky take me? How can I overcome this anxiety, by the way?

So many questions, and the answer is still nowhere to find. Now Kurtney came across my mind again. As I stepped out from the bus, a tall guy strode out from his car bringing a bouquet of flowers. The scene captured my attention as the lady standing beside her was very familiar to me. I confirmed it was the girl I longed to see. But just as I had the guts to run to her, the car’s engine started and they drove off somewhere. The bright sun dimmed when my eyes clearly saw her presence. I can’t explain why I suddenly got jealous. The situation left me hanging, yet something frankly slapped me that things between us should just be buried by time. 

Many years later, she showed herself to me surprisingly. “Like what? Okay, let me take a few deep breaths.” That moment was causing astonishment for me. I no longer think that she will appear suddenly after the changes in our lives. But that moment I saw her, my eyes spilled a tear due to the zealousness to hug and kiss her tightly. I was shocked when I felt the coldness in her face, added by the freeze emotion of not hearing her heartbeat. 

I gradually thought of an eerie scene. As I looked at her face again, it was entirely pale. Staring closely at her eyes, I eventually imagined the total lunar eclipse that happened years earlier. On the black portion of her eyeball, I saw the full moon passing wholly through the umbra of the earth’s shadow. On the white portion, I saw my reflection. I felt the intense goosebumps as a voice whispered in my ear saying, “Do not be afraid, it’s me.” 

A quick assumption stocked inside my mind telling: “Upon seeing the total lunar eclipse, I was wishing for us to be back from the start. Spending the happy moments of our days, living like most people dreamed to live with their only love. From then on, I have loved you, Huebert. Even if you can’t utter your emotions, I will still know. For since that very moment you saw the eclipse, I knew I was already in your heart forever. I saw you at the dawn of the day. Just then I was aware of what our days together will be. I want to cut off the cycle. It’s scary! And right at this moment is an inclusion on the appearance of the eclipse I saw with you. That’s why I decided to be separated from you for I know it will only cause more pain if I insist on not breaking the future. Please live a happy life, Huebert. Farewell.”

I just then knew that she died a year ago. Her visit to me was her 40th day. Who faced me was already her soul. I was acting innocent after remembering that it was me who killed her. I was so attached to her before that I only wanted her to be mine. So selfish with my own thoughts of her, without actually doing the real move. I was jealous seeing her dating someone else, but I failed to be her man. So damn bad, my conscience. I killed her by giving up, letting her go committing suicide.