Acceptance

The breeze is something I've missed. All these years gone by, forever to stay in the past, and not one did I come back here. Not even for a month. Not even for a week nor just one singular day. 24 hours. Why didn't I come back here? It's stupid of me to ask myself that question, really, when I know the answer. I know myself, I'm not that stupid. My knowledge can overtake me sometimes, tricking me into trying to forget how I really feel as to make myself feel better. But the truth hurts, and it really fucking sucks sometimes. There's nothing that can be done about it. The truth can't be changed, so everyone has to learn how to live with it eventually.

But no one ever talks about what happens when the truth starts to kill you. Chip you away like the trimming of a tree, until every last thing you feel inside you is no longer attached. A wandering body, an empty soul. You walk without thinking, and you move without question. Is it okay to do this? Is it right to do this? Is this wrong?

I feel it all, stepping outside my car. The door shutting somehow echoes, despite there being nothing to echo off of. My feet hit the ground, hard and stable. I feel ready to stand up, to see the view I dreamed about seeing again. For three years I wanted to come back here. And for three years I also stopped myself. Every time I even took a slight glance at that gravel road-that fucking gravel road-I told myself no and kept moving forward. Mainly because I didn't want to be a threat.

Looking at that gravel road, nothing but memories of a past that can never be lived again flashed throughout my head, a photo book of moments I so desperately want to relive. No one's safe around me when that starts happening. And I have to focus on the road. I can't die in a crash like that.

I realize where I'm standing just about now. And I realize I'm relying too much on the past to support my feels, not so much the preset. Focus on the present and you'll be happier.

Last one to the umbrella has to drive back.

Or not.

I'm met with the familiar feel of tears welling up. That umbrella is gone now. Not sure what I expected, it has been three years. Just because it's our spot doesn't mean it'll magically be there forever. I just wish I could have one last race.

I walk across the street away from my parked car, and down the stairs leading to the beach. There's that beautiful canopy, dripping down its vines and leaves I've kissed under far too many times. The railings wrapped in daisy's and tulip's are still here as well, and I let the soft velvety feel of the petals melt into my fingertips, as I continue to walk down the steps. My eyes are on the sunset the entire time. Not once do I look away. It's the only thing to look at now. Before I had two.

My legs feel like a zombies, dragging across the ground as if I'm eagerly searching for that brain they need. But only this time, I'm searching for him. I know he won't be here. He's never going to be here again. So why am I looking? Why do I expect to see him jump out of the water, smiling and laughing, holding that stupid water gun?

Why do I expect us to lay underneath the canopy, sharing baby names and wedding dates?

I know it can't happen, but I'll be endlessly expecting it. And I'll do it happily. I've became that empty body, a walking skeleton with no thoughts or sense of what should be done and what shouldn't. A soul that has no idea what to feel. A truly heartbreaking thing, but I can't pity myself.

Maybe coming here wasn't such a good idea. Maybe it was a smart plan to avoid ever coming back here again. Because I realize now, standing here in this moment, that all I can feel in the one place that was supposed to be ours, is loneliness. Our place, not mine. All that I can be met with now is an overwhelming sense of unknowing, of what to do with this place now that it's all in my hands. It shouldn't be laid on my back. It's too heavy, I need somebody's help. But who can help me now?

I continue to look at the sunset, my mind an endless loop of memories, all making me laugh, cry, and simply shut down all at the same time. I feel like I can't blink, and like I can't move. People driving by must think I'm crazy.

They can think all they want, and believe whatever they see, I don't care. Why am I here? Torture is what this is. Being in a place only we know, but now with no we and just me. Me, standing here, just staring.

If he was here, he'd be urging me into the water. Pushing me across the sand, his gentle hands on my back. I'd glide my toes through the sand, and feel something. A flutter in my heart, a heat in my face. I'd feel the things I felt whenever he was around.

A stupid romance, truly. Pathetic to see you fall so hopelessly in love with a boy.

Stupid. My own mother called it stupid. I called it worthy. He was worthy. We were worthy to be together.

How can all these memories be hitting me now? Here, it's where it started. Everything was fine until I hit that gravel road. It's like there was an invisible portal, and I drove through it unknowingly, and all it caused is everything to hit me in the face like a brick.

I've tried to forget what mom said about him, but this place brought it back. This place can bring back things I never even knew existed in the first place. All those feelings I felt so long ago, being felt again now, and it all feels surreal. Like nothing that happened actually happened, and it was all just an elaborate movie made by my mom.

He never died. He's right next to me right now, holding my hand, I just can't feel it yet.

He's cracking jokes about the things we talked about over the drive, I just can't hear him yet.

And he's most definitely smiling, his perfect white teeth with that one crooked tooth right in front creating a fiery glow in the final moments of the sunset, I just can't see it yet.

I'll be seeing him, feeling him, hearing him soon enough. My feet take me forward, until I reach the sea, becoming more relaxed than I ever had been before.

Come on love, look at the waves this evening. Don't you just love it?

I did. I really did love the waves, and how we floated in each others hands the entire time.

But I loved him too. Maybe the water gave me sense back, because I realize now that it was never this place I loved. Not even the beach, or the sunsets, or that umbrella, or the canopy, or the railings, none of it. All of it is simply a supporting factor of the one reason I wanted to keep coming here;

him.

And without him, well this place simply can't be. Without us this place simply can't be. This was for us, and now that there is no us, then someone else should be able to get it. There's got to be some couple out there, seeking for a place of comfort. A home but not really a home. A place to be themselves.

So I keep walking forward, the cold water awakening peace inside me. I still can't feel, I still can't tell if what I'm doing is right or wrong, but I'm doing it anyway. It's time for us to have our own new place now.

So I keep walking and walking, ignoring the memories in my head. There will be more to be had, right about now, so they don't have to stay in the past.

Finally, I'm on my tip-toes, and I know all I need to do. And I don't have second thoughts, or any regrets creeping behind me. I don't have anything to regret. Maybe this was the reason to come here today. For three years I've built up the courage to follow through with the thing I never let escape my lips. The thing I thought about the day my reason left me.

And now I can finally do what I'm supposed to do.

So I take my last breath. Put my feet down. At last, peace and I are friends. This place no longer has to remain a memory, but our eternal home. I don't know what will happen in just a few short minutes. I don't know if I'll see him again after today. Nobody knows what happens after your heart beats its last beat, and your mind thinks its last thought. And right now mine is thinking;

I can't keep this place to myself. If he can't have it too, then neither will I.

Who would've thought I would die happy. Die knowing, I can finally see him again, and I sure hope he's ready to see me. I don't even know for sure if I'll see him after death does its thing and oh how I fucking hate death for what it did to me. Might as well have it take me so I don't feel it anymore.

I'll take the chance and gamble on the uncertainty of what's going to happen to me. At least I have a choice, he didn't. And he must be waiting for me.