Dress Shopping

Tina’s breaths became frantic, uneven gulps of air. She dragged the zipper up. The boning of the corset was so tight, her ribs already ached. Spots of darkness consumed the dazzling beads in her vision.

She should’ve eaten before this.

“Dear? Are you all right?” Lucille Grace’s voice drifted in through the thick velvet curtains.

“Yes,” she gasped. “I’m fine.”

“Do you need any help? I could send…” she trailed off, remembering what Tina already knew: she was alone.

Her friends—David’s friends—were busy on the only day she was able to make an appointment at Lucille Grace’s famed bridal store, and her own friends were far-flung all over the world. Freya was in Greece now, Tina was pretty sure, steadily infusing her blood with wine.

David’s mother had offered to come, but Tina knew that her mother-in-law would coerce her into trying impossibly uncomfortable and expensive styles that Tina would be responsible for explaining to David.

She fought with the zipper for a few moments longer before admitting to defeat. “Do you have this one in a larger size? Maybe two sizes bigger?”

Lucille Grace replied, “Not that exact style, I’m sorry. But we have something similar, with sleeves.”

“Um, yes, I’ll try that one.” The teeth of the zipper were digging into her skin, rubbing it red. She yanked the gown off, meeting her own face in the mirror. Her hair was tangled, her skin was somehow flushed and too pale at the same time, and the makeup she’d applied under advisement of her friends was melting off her face. Good that David wasn’t here to see.

“Okay. Here’s the one with sleeves.” Lucille Grace passed a second beaded gown through a slit in the curtain.

When Tina accepted it, her arms buckled under the unexpected weight. “Thank you.”

This gown fit much better, and she could more easily appreciate the artistry of the beads swirling up the sleeves and down the waistline. Freya would love it, but Tina felt like she was wearing a pile of bricks. She pushed the curtain aside.

“What do you think?” Lucille Grace asked with polite neutrality.

“It’s beautiful,” Tina said, “but I don’t think it’s for me.”

“I agree. Let’s try your next one.”

Tina’s next gown was a blush pink confection that draped over her body like it was made of water. She kept running her hands over it, watching it shine in the light.

When she stepped out, Lucille Grace smiled. “You look lovely.”

Tina was silent before the full-length mirror. She noticed her hands were fisted tightly around the fabric and loosened them self-consciously, swishing the skirt around. When she considered what David would think, her mind felt abruptly empty. In this moment, she couldn’t envision what happiness looked like on her fiancé’s face.

That sounded worse than it was. David wasn’t an unhappy man. He simply approached most things with a studied neutrality that reminded everyone that he was their superior. She liked his seriousness, Tina reminded herself. A serious man would take a lifetime commitment seriously.

Lucille Grace cleared her throat. “How do you feel?”

“I… I think it’s very pretty.”

“But not for you? The right dress should feel right.”

“In that case, I think I’ll have to pass. But it feels so nice.”

“That’s fine! If this style doesn’t speak to you, try the other one. The one I picked.”

Tina slipped back into her velvet cocoon and took in the dress Lucille Grace had picked at the beginning of this appointment, when Tina had floundered before the enormous, serpentine rack of sequins and lace, hand hovering indecisively.

The gown was made of satin so white it appeared blue, and she could so easily imagine David’s hands sliding it off of her body.

Too easily, perhaps. Because when Tina looked at herself, all she could see was the photo that she’d be posed for: her in this dress holding a tasteful bouquet of white peonies while David’s arms wrapped around her waist. She shivered.

Tina hadn’t accepted the proposal in bad faith. At the time, she’d felt so certain. But the restless nights on a too-big, too-empty bed had worn away at her. And when she showed off her Art Deco engagement ring, the looks of approval on her friends’ faces over FaceTime made her feel certain, solid.

When Lucille Grace saw her, she said, “Would you like to try a veil?”

“Sure,” she heard herself say.

And, standing on the platform that made her feel like a trophy attached to its base, Tina pinned a lace veil to her head, obscuring the uncertainty in her own eyes. Somehow, her ribs still ached from the first dress.

She was so weak.

“I look like I’m going to haunt a Gothic mansion.”

Lucille Grace shrugged. “Some brides like that. I take it you’re not one of them?”

A headache was building behind Tina’s temples. Wasn’t wedding dress shopping supposed to be fun? “This was my last dress.”

Lucille Grace laughed. “Sweetheart, look around.”

She was, of course, surrounded by racks upon racks of dresses spilling over with their pearls and lace. But Tina couldn’t stand the sight of them.

“And I can order other styles if you’re willing to be patient. You’re never out of options.”

Tina swallowed. “I think… I think I’ll come back another time, if that’s okay?”

“Of course. Thank you for stopping by.”

“Yeah,” Tina said absentmindedly, heading back to the dressing room.

She wrestled the dress off her body and yanked her own jeans and t-shirt back on, swinging her purse over her shoulder. “Thank you so much, you were so helpful,” she told Lucille Grace, who replied, “Have a nice day.”

Tina did not, of course, have a nice day. She’d forgotten to tell David that her car’s AC was broken, so she sat on the 405, baking in the BMW that her friends had told her would be a worthy investment. But expensive cars needed expensive upkeep, and every time she took hers to the dealer, she needed David to shuttle her back and forth.

She drummed her fingers against the steering wheel, straining for any productive anecdote to provide David when he asked about her day. Maybe she’d tell him about the save-the-dates that she’d sent? But he already knew she was going to do that today. She could say she learned about dresses? Yes. That was it. He wasn’t expecting her to pick one today, anyway.

Sure enough…

“So it was a good learning experience?” he asked over dinner: pork chops and au gratin potatoes that Tina had made because she’d found herself with an unexpected excess of time and anxious energy.

“Yes.”

He set his fork down. “Are you feeling alright? You’ve been quiet.”

“Just low-energy today, I guess.”

“Tina. If something’s wrong, you can tell me.”

“Um.” She should call someone tonight, she decided, and hash out these insensible feelings with someone she wasn’t marrying. Would Freya be free? What time was it in Greece? “Well, the AC doesn’t work.”

“In the BMW? Really? We should take it to the dealer on Saturday.”

“Okay.” She picked at her nails. “Um, does it feel like the wedding is coming kind of fast? To you?”

His expression was as open as it had been that day they met, two years ago, in the tapas place whose music was so loud that they left after their appetizers to go somewhere where they could hear each other think. David always wanted to know what Tina was thinking, which meant Tina always needed to be thinking interesting, articulate thoughts.

“To me, it feels like it’s not coming fast enough. I love you and I’m excited to spend the rest of my life with you. But I’ll admit, I’m also not as involved in the planning as I wish I could be. Is it too much?”

“No,” she said, stabbing a potato shingle. “I think it’s just hitting me all at once how real this is. This is the dress I’ll be wearing down the aisle. The prettiest I’ll ever be will be in this dress.”

David frowned. “I think you become more beautiful with every day. The wedding doesn’t have to be so life-or-death.”

“I know, and I’m trying not to feel that way.”

He clasped his hands together, giving up the pretense of eating the food Tina had worked so hard on. “Do you want more time?”

“We already put the down payment on the venue and I just sent the save-the-dates. It’s too late to move things around.”

He reached across the table to cover her hand in his. His hands were cold. “Honey. I’d rather lose out on the down payment and have to explain a schedule change than make you feel this uncomfortable about your own wedding.”

“It’s your wedding too. And I’ll get over it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Of course.” She smiled the way he expected. “But it was a very generous offer.”

“Well, I want you to be happy.”

So why did she still feel like she was tucked behind that thick velvet curtain, choking on the satin and tulle? Why, when she had such a loving fiancé, could she not find it in herself to just be happy? People would kill to be in her place, as Freya reminded her on many an occasion, before her career as a travel influencer took off and she became the most envied girl in the group.

Tina couldn’t walk away from this.

“David?”

“Yes?”

“Did… did you like your food?”

“What? Oh, yes. Of course. Thank you.”

She smiled. “You’re welcome. Would it be okay if I borrowed your car? I want to go grocery shopping.”

“Sure. You know where the keys are?”

“Yes. I’ll be back soon.”

Despite this promise, when she got to the Erewhon parking lot, she found herself sitting in the car for a long moment, watching everyone else carry groceries into their cars. LA-pretty people with real problems that didn’t amount to personal mental blocks.

She needed the pasta sauce that David liked and they were low on fruits. She should buy herself snacks to keep in the car so she wouldn’t feel as lightheaded as she had on the drive home. Everything Tina needed was inside the glowing Erewhon. But instead of getting out of her car, she grabbed her phone and dialed Freya.

Who didn’t pick up. Why would she? It was barely 6 a.m. for her. Tucking her phone in her pocket, Tina got her groceries. But when she checked out, the transaction didn’t go through. Frowning, Tina peered at the card reader. Then she saw which card she was pressing against it and heat ran through her body. Instead of the Amex that connected to David’s account, she’d distractedly grabbed her personal debit card.

No one had noticed the mistake, but Tina’s cheeks were flaming as she tapped the correct card against the reader and hurried home, rattled.

When she brought the groceries inside, she called a hesitant, “David?”

He materialized in the foyer, taking the bags from her. “Yes?”

His back was turned to her. In a way, that made this easier.

She cleared her throat. “I’ve… I’ve thought about it a little more. And actually, do you think we could push back the wedding? I’m sorry, I know I just said—”

He put the groceries down and held her. “Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay. Let’s talk this out. How much time do you want?”

“I…” She looked down and heard herself say, “I think I might need a long time. Like, um, I shouldn’t have accepted your proposal? I’m really not ready for this.”

David’s warm expression froze. For a moment, Tina thought he’d simply stand there, not speaking, for the rest of time. Then he pressed his fingers to his temples. And with that studied neutrality that reminded everyone that he was their superior, he said, “Tina. I think I’ve been plenty generous with you.”

“You have,” Tina agreed.

“But this is absolutely ridiculous. If you didn’t want this, you should’ve said so.”

“I know.” She wasn’t going to cry. She wasn’t. “I’m sorry.”

“So, what, are you leaving me? What exactly is your plan there? Where will you live? Who’s gonna pay for your car or your groceries, huh?” As he spoke, his neutrality unraveled.

Tina looked at the marble foyer and sweeping staircase and finally saw it for the cage it was. “I didn’t mean I wanted to leave you. I just wanted some time.”

“A blank check of time! I can’t wait forever, Tina. And the guests are expecting to see you walk down the aisle in ten months.”

“You said the save-the-dates weren’t that important…”

“We can shift things back a few months, maybe, but what you’re asking for is a cancellation? Do you understand the difference?” He shook his head. “Of course not.”

“David—”

“You may not have been asking for an end, but I am. Get out of my house.”

Tina swallowed down the same tears she’d been swallowing for the past two years and walked out. With trembling hands, she dialed Freya. “I ended it with David. Are you proud of me?”