Finest Gwine

I am already sweaty from fighting my way into this form fitting satin dress. The arm straps on this thing are absolutely unforgiving. No stretch to the fabric whatsoever. The dress code for tonight is silver and gold. I went with silver because no one will ever top Kate Hudson in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days with her gorgeous, long golden gown. She was glowing! Even I had a crush on her in that movie. I don’t want to even think about trying to compete. My dress does have a plunging waterfall back just like the one from the movie though. Us girls with small boobs gotta accentuate some of our other good features, if you know what I mean. 

People always tell me to be thankful that they won’t be droopy when I’m older. But I want to be grateful now and maybe fill out a sweater properly for once in my life. But for this dress, these tiny girls will do just fine. They aren’t even threatening to pop out from the sides. In this way, I guess I can acknowledge I am truly blessed.

 I bend at the hips to grab my pasties from under the sink. Now I’m conjuring images of the tin man from Wizard of Oz and wondering if I should abandon this dress altogether. I like dancing and I won’t be able to move much in this thing, wrapped up like a mummy. Remember being a little girl and you got to play just as much as the boys did? Ahhhh. Now it’s beauty over leisure. I finish placing my pasties and dress tape. Give the girls a good slap and start on my makeup. I bought some magnetic false lashes and I’m hoping they hold up through the night. Apparently, all I need to do is use the liquid eyeliner on top of my lid and it’ll hold the lashes in place. We’ll see about that!

I give myself a once over in the mirror and decide I don’t look half bad. That’ll do. Then I do a second mirror pass and pick at all the flaws I see and then decide it’s still fine. Nothing to be done about it right now. 

This is my bestie Jenna’s cousin’s wedding. Cousin is named April. I’ve met April a few times but not her fiance, Greg. Apparently, he’s a lot older than us but she’s happy so Jenna’s happy. I like that about Jenna. She doesn’t try to convince other people that they’re unhappy in some way. She trusts the people she loves to do what’s right for them, and if they don’t, she’s the first one to come over with the tissues and good movies.

So, tonight is about April, yes, but to me it’s also about being there for Jenna. Jenna’s relationship recently imploded when she found out Jacob had cheated. She said she’s most pissed at him for “making them a cliche.” But I know she’s devastated. Jacob’s her college sweetheart and of course the J names were so cute it made everyone who met them want to throw up immediately. 

I’m actually floored to be honest because I didn’t think Jacob would ever cheat on Jenna. He worshiped her. They fit together perfectly, so I don’t know what he was thinking. All I know is, I’m ready to stuff my face with apps and drinks and do whatever clown best friend things I need to do tonight to make Jenna laugh.

I knock on Jenna’s door and she walks out in a dazzling gold satin gown. I love this for her, she’s absolutely not afraid to conjure Kate Hudson. I also love that our dresses kind of match in style. Yin and yang energy. We’d usually text nonstop about what we’re wearing on a night out and especially about going to a big event like this, but her phone’s been on silent all day. That’s how I know she’s struggling. She has her tells. 

“Ow ow!” I exclaim at her. She waves a dismissive hand in my direction as she uses her other to lock up. But I can tell she’s smiling. 

“I mean it! Damn girl! Let’s see a twirl.” She spins in a small circle with her arms out to her sides to show it off. 

“Yup, that’s my date. Let’s ride.” 

The ceremony is beautiful, I cry, Jenna cries, no one else cries. We’ve always cried at the same things. She makes me feel seen. I never have to explain things like this to her, she gets it. 

Plus I know some of it had to be a nice release for her. 

“Hey, I’m gonna go grab a drink, you want one?” I ask once cocktail hour begins.

“Yes please!” she replies.

I head to the bar where a standardly attractive bartender is serving free drinks. I remind myself to be normal. That’s my first mistake because now I’m overthinking it. I order:

“Two white gwines, please.” I look down in embarrassment at mixing up my words. What is a gwine!?

The bartender doesn’t acknowledge my blunder at all and passes me two very full glasses of chilled wine, of which I am very grateful. He never speaks, just nods. I guess he won’t be my future husband. 

I walk away already sipping from the top of my glass. I’m being looked at strangely with mixed expressions of recognition. Like everyone in the room can’t quite place me but they know they’ve seen me somewhere before. I’m not very memorable, especially out of context. 

“Here lady, I grabbed us two glasses of their finest gwine.” 

“What’d you do? Garble your words? Let me see…” she twists around fully in her seat. 

“Stooooop!” I protest. We’re both cracking up. I’ve always been a little hopeless when it comes to romance. The more attractive I find someone, the more likely it is I’ll put my whole foot in my mouth. What can you do?

“Hey, your family can’t remember who I am. They all gave me the dodo bird stare when I walked by.” 

“The dodo bird stares! Anything but that! It’s heinous.” 

“It really is. How long have we known each other?”

“I guess not long enough.” There is a pause. Then, Jenna says, “thanks for coming with me.” I can see tears welling up in her eyes. 

“Of course! I’d never miss all these free mini hot dogs ya know?” I joke, as one of my eyelashes falls off and flutters straight into my glass and she laughs. Mission accomplished.