The Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Maybe?

When, they say coming of age one usually means in their teens, like bar mitzvahs, or quinceaneras. Or in their 20's the behaviors and actions of a boy or girl turning into a respectable woman, and man of society. Getting one's apartment, a couple having a baby, getting their dream job, or getting their first house. Paying one's own bills, making one's own way. Nope, not me. Thirty fours years of wandering. Actually, in adult years fifteen years of wandering or to make myself feel better "exploring". A woman of grand dreams, now is a shell form of herself. Where did it start? It starts with one's own mind.

There's a root to everything, and for most of us starts in childhood. The rocky road started in seeing my parents relationship. The jekyll and hyde archetype, of drinking, waiting to see if he'll just talk or do something more drastic actions like beating my mom in her sleep. Or try to throw her out the window. So what is a child to do? Especially a child who had speech problems. Who didn't talk until the age of five, and even then one couldn't express myself well. So what does one do? Passive, remain passive, remain quiet. Escape into fantasy in forms of video games and imagination. Live vicariously through npc games of fighting and becoming the hero through the journey. The sorrow forms the fog and gives me the idea into what I want to do. A blessing in disguise. Or so I thought.

Coming into adulthood I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a film director, music director, writer, screenwriter, musician, record label owner, restaurant owner. Get my drift? Let me go to California to be a screenwriter. "Oh shit I need a car which I can't afford right now". Never mind I'll go to chicago for college then go to California. Oh I need a place to live money and food. Ok let me take out this student loan to live and get through this film classes. Ok I need a job so I can stop asking my mother. Boom! got two jobs, two low paying seasonal jobs but jobs nevertheless. Oh let me get out of these rip off of a housing arrangement with the school and get an apartment in chicago. Don't worry it's only $900 a month. Slowly reality sets in the daily life of trying to survive. The reality of limited learning, communication skills, and sociability was in force. Young, dumb, but full of potential. However potential doesn't pay the rent nor keep your stomach from growling. Reality clashing with fantasy. I'll go back home and regroup.

So back in the burgh, and I figured ok I need to regroup. Let me go get my jobs back. Let me get some stability, and some consistent money. Low paying but stable nevertheless. Time is still on my side I'm twenty two, and still new to the ways of the world. Still dreaming and exploring not really doing, or even planning for that matter. Skip to twenty five and I have my quarter crisis moment. However still fully immersed in the maladaptive dreaming mindset. So the warning wasn't warranted. Twenty eight is it too late? Going back to college for accounting, but once again led down by my own fantasy. Not seeing the reality of my own feelings, and limitations. Now at 34 I see my disappointment come into full circle.

Going into the shadow I like to see the way in things. The excessive dreaming usually involves the traits that I would like to adapt and emerge in real life. The characters, and personas I created was the suppression energy that formed in my imagination that created a whole new world in my imagination. The imagination that was better than the dull. boring. mundane. slow moving reality that I was experiencing. The assertiveness, glamour, fame and money craving person was there.... in fantasy. Why do the work in reality where I can just dream it. Also why not just do that with one aspect in my life. Why not do that with romance, and finance too. Just ignore the responsibilities of the 3d life, and consume myself in my own world since I'm everything I wanted to be. The fact that I'm dreaming my life away never came to mind at the time because it gave me an neptunian escape from the dull underachieving bore my life has become.

Doing the shadow work within myself. I came to the realization that the symptoms were multilayered. A major part of my extreme passiveness was lack of communication. I couldn't articulate myself they way I wanted too, so things gets lost in translation. Misunderstandings occur and false projections, and perceptions get made. Add to that confrontation. For this reason I couldn't articulate very well. I was afraid of confrontation in the form of teasing, anger, or simply just an opinion. Well, that kind of mindset won't get me anywhere I would want to be, as I learned through trial and error. The third part was just simply lack of knowledge. Not just the shame of not knowing. The stigmation you set on yourself in the shame of not knowing. It really has a domino effect. It stemmed from childhood, but even now I can't keep blaming my childhood for my problems if I ain't ready to fix them.

Fast forward till now; the daydreaming has subsided to some extent and it reveals who I really want to be in life. However, is it too late? Has the daydreaming consumed so much that it results in a waste of time. A waste of prime. A fragmented sense of self; and a warped sense of reality? The cognitive dissonance between the ideal and actual self. Or to put in philosophical terms "So heavenly minded you're no earthly good." In the end I believe there is redemption now that I have a purpose as to why I want to act now. I guess the coming of age is late but some people never do. I must remind myself of that.Most people's dreams end up in the graveyard. So the boulevard is not broken for me it just needs repair. You don't know how capable you are. I must remind myself to say. " You'll never know until you try."