Thirty-three Years Until I Met You

Thirty-three years is a long time. Thirty-three years is too long to not have someone who will love me and care for me, when I need it. Thirty-three years have gone by and it’s been lonely, catastrophic and having a feeling of being abandoned. This is when I realized that I needed to get up and go out and actually find myself in this gigantic world. I am always isolating myself from anything and everyone around me and it’s putting me in a tragic stage in my life that needs to change before it’s too late, and this is how I will always live and be. The only thing I have always felt was sadness, that feeling is my fault and it always will continue to be, until I do something about it.

I stopped being ignorant, I stop being sorrowful for myself and I actually did something about it. I spend my life, going to work, coming home from work, eating and sleeping, on repeat seven days a week, three hundred and sixty five days a year, it’s exhausting and it’s not how I want to spend the rest of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who will appreciate me the way I have always wanted to be appreciated. I’ve always had this feeling inside of me that some piece of me was missing and I was stuck and unable to move without that missing puzzle piece. I realized that that piece is missing is because I haven’t found it yet. I need to find it and so I did. I did find that missing piece inside of me, and every since then I have felt different you could say, I’m happier, more upbeat and filled with blessings of joy that should’ve been their years ago, but I guess I was afraid of finding it.

This piece that was missing has blonde hair and green eyes. He brings my life light that I never thought I envisioned in having. I can actually see my future, I haven’t been able to see my future in thirty-three years, because of how lonely I felt and nothing more than that. I met my person and that moment, my life made sense, it had meaning. I had a reason I wanted to be here. I hadn’t been the same since my mom passed away four years ago. She got sick and I had to take care of her, I was all she had and she was all I had. After that, after finally losing her that night as she passed in her sleep, the feeling in me had felt like I had nothing, I felt nothing, I thought I was doomed and I was destroyed forever inside growing outside of me.

The day I felt like I couldn’t go on anymore, that I didn’t care to go on anymore. I stood  and walked outside one more time, to see if anyone cared. It was a good day, a sunny day in the summer of 1993, in Tallahassee, Florida.  No one cared just as I suspected, until I turned around to walk back inside my empty and depressing apartment, I bumped into a wonderful and caring blonde-headed boy with these sparkling, unresistable green eyes bumped into me our eyes meet. Looking into his eyes that is when something inside of me snapped and I saw a future for me. I saw that future if it was with or without this boy. Thankfully, after that moment we fell in love and have been together for five years. 

I still felt like a little piece of me were missing, and it was, I found out a missing piece of me will never be filled. I knew that piece wouldn’t be filled when the doctors told me I would never be able to get pregnant. My boy held me for days and days until I got up and stopped feeling sorry for myself. So what I couldn’t have a baby that didn’t stop me from getting a baby. I wanted a family and for so many years I was alone, I didn’t want that anymore and I couldn’t stand that anymore. Me and my husband of three years wanted a baby. I was thirty-eight and I really needed to have a family, before I get to old and will have that piece gone forever. 

I adopted a beautiful four-year old girl, with blonde hair and those same sparkling green eyes I’ve admired on my husband for years. We were the happiest family ever, I wanted nothing more of this. I have never had so much love in my heart for two people in my entire life. I wished my mother would’ve been able to be here to see her grand-child and be able to spoil her rotten to the core. 

Having my beautiful daughter and handsome husband all together for almost a year, when I realized the happiness decided to grow, literally inside of me. A miracle baby was formed inside of me. I cried with joy and happiness, same with my husband. We’ve dreamed of having our own child and now we will have two, a beautiful blonde-headed crazy girl and bouncing baby boy. That is everything I dreamed of and had wished for, for many years. It finally happened to me after I realized I didn’t want to be alone forever, I wanted love and passion and support from a family, my family. That is exactly what I got and what I will never let go of, not until the day I die. 

I grew a life with my boys and my daughter, they make my life worth living. I live and breath for every single one of them. They keep me sane when I feel like I could possibly lose it at any moment, then I look at them and see calmness and a family, I was driven for the moment I met my husband of many years now.

I had six grandbabies, four boys and two girls who are my pride and joy. My children grew up to be wonderful adults just as I raised them to be. I could never let them be like me before I met my boy. So lonely and sad, I never wanted to see my children in that state of mind and I am so blessed to have a big family to live for and dream about. They are the love of my life that I’d do anything for.