The Question of Being

The coat she stole today was practical with quite a few pockets. As she went about Shillong on foot, she used the ends of her coat to flick a map here and a fruit there. Her movements were well choreographed with three years of practice. The shop owners wouldn't know that they were missing inventory until late evening. 

Of course, Anya was an ethical thief. She only took what was necessary. It didn't make sense to take anything in excess. For one, she couldn’t hold on to them, and it would make the process of getting rid of her possessions difficult when she decided to change her city. 

On the map, Anya tried to find roads that were narrow and mostly empty. It's not that she didn't like meeting people. She wasn't shy or introverted. But considering her circumstances, she was unsure if anyone would understand her predicament. 

*****

Anya’s troubles started about 23 years back.

Grammy asked a 12-year-old Anya, “Do you like jelly?”

“Jelly… Let's see. I haven't tasted it yet. But why do you ask?”

“I wanted to understand if you had any affinity to it.”

“But why are you asking me a hypothetical question?”

“That's fair. I want to tell you a story.”

‘Your great-great-great Grammy, Sarayu, was a resourceful lady and enjoyed experimenting in the kitchen. When her twins were about 12, they craved sugar. She decided to prepare a concoction of plums and sugar. After about a day and half of intense work, she came up with a wobbly treat, which she named jelly. When she tasted it, she felt a weird sensation in her gut. Very slowly, she began losing sensation in her body. By the end of the day, she didn't have any body to speak of. But, before she lost her hand, she had the presence of mind to jot down her situation. That's how, when her daughter, i.e., your great-great Grammy, went through her recipe book, she came across this note, ‘DON’T EVER EAT JELLY. IT WILL MAKE YOU DISAPPEAR FROM THE FACE OF THIS EARTH. DON’T TAKE MY WARNING LIGHTLY.’ She had further added, ‘If you don’t feel like taking me seriously, look around. Do you see me? Can you hear me? Can you touch me? I am around you but in all considerations, I have become an abstract concept.’ 

Once Grammy finished the story, Anya was genuinely flustered, “Is this some sort of joke?”

“I think my Grammy and Ma took this story seriously. They didn’t partake jelly in any form. They lived a risk-free, safe, and long life. It appears that this anomaly is limited to girls in the family. But, of course, you know me. I was curious. I was sure nothing would happen to me. And, so, I ate jelly when I went for a walk this morning.” 

Grammy lifted her skirt.

Anya was horrified, “Oh my God, Grammy! Where are your legs?” With wide eyes and trembling lips, she asked, “What’ll happen now Grammy?”

“I think I’ll just disappear like Sarayu. Until I had time, I wanted to warn you and your mother. I’m not worried about your mother. She follows rules. I’m not sure of you though. You have a rebellious streak.”

“Grammy, I’ll be careful.” With tears in her eyes, she added. “I’ll miss you though. How do I know you’re here?”

“I don’t think you’ll ever know I’m here even if I’m around you. I can probably write or move objects if I have hands, can move around with you if I have legs, can talk if I have a mouth. But as things are going, I’ll just float around.” 

With Grammy gone, Anya was careful. She didn’t eat palatable desserts like Jelly Cheesecake with Pavlova Topping, Pink Lamington Jelly Cakes, Berry Ice-Cream Jelly Pie, Dark Chocolate Jellies with Caramel Popcorn, and Strawberry Mousse Trifles. As she grew older, she was adept at gauging which foodstuffs would have jelly.

When she was 32, though, the tragedy occurred. Anyone at this age would acknowledge, it’s difficult to make friends as we grow older. It may be easier to find kindred spirits, people with whom you share common interests and core living principles. But a friend is another matter. It’s difficult to give yourself completely, without fear of judgement as you share your imperfections and embarrassing instances where you fell short of holding up your own values. Anya felt a “kindred spirit” sort of connection with Nayna. And she hoped, really hoped, it would manifest into friendship. At this stage in a relationship, you tend to do stuff that makes the other person happy even if it’s not something you want to do. 

Nayna was undertaking culinary pursuits and Anya had made her aware of her quandary. So, when she offered Peanut Butter cookies, Anya took them without a second thought and with the sole intention of making Nayna happy. But unbeknownst to both of them, Nayna’s child had added a dash of jelly to the cookie mixture when she wasn’t looking. That’s it though. One bite and Anya’s process of invisibility began.

*****

Unlike Grammy though, Anya didn’t back down. She thought fast and made preparations. She didn’t want to waste away like those before her. She was determined to continue living, and so was sure she would manage somehow. She investigated different ways to sustain and came up with a pattern. 

But once she realized she could survive, Anya was faced with an existential crisis. “What will I do with all my time?” was her question. Until she was busy being productive, she hadn’t asked herself the crucial question, “Why?” She no longer could hold on to the mechanical motions of life of waking up, going to work, eating, meeting friends and family, etc. etc. She began wondering, “What was the point of it all?”

Travelling had been her refuge, and now, with no body to speak of, she was an invisible force on trains, buses, and airplanes. She didn’t have to worry about her finances. So, she discovered one place after another.

She could hear her own thoughts when she stood in the tea plantations of Kotagiri. She experienced an unearthly presence at Kundadri Hills in Agumbe. Her ego, already diminished by the absence of a body, further faded when she saw the magnificence of the Nanda Devi and Chaukhamba peaks from Pangot. While travelling from Manali to Leh, she learnt that change is the only constant as within a short span, nature gave her a glimpse of a range of landscapes from alpine blue lakes and sparse vegetation to fluttering prayer flags on deserted mountains.  

But the “Why?” continued to bother her. It wasn’t until she ruminated on the sidelines of the Living Root Bridge in Riwai near Mawlynnong that it dawned on her. These natural root bridges, prepared by the Khasi tribe after intertwining the roots of the Ficus Elastica on either side, persist for years. These roots construct sturdy structures, become thicker and can endure heavy rains and offer support to others. Anya looked at the root bridges and thought that perhaps with no body to think for and no senses to speak of, she might be at an advantage. She had been given a chance to look within, to make her consciousness (i.e. her roots), which is the only thing that exists, stronger. Only by rising above the frivolity of who she was or what her purpose was would she be able to make her consciousness so robust that others could benefit from its effervescence. She began her journey of discovering her inner self then and there.

*****

Yesterday, there was a filler in the newspaper that read the following:

Divine Presence Felt at Riwai Disappears

A glowing structure seen near the Living Root Bridge in Riwai, near Mawlynnong, Shillong, has disappeared. Locals called it the ‘Spirit of the Goddess’. Momin Sangma of the Living Root Bridge Conservation Project said, “The government has been pushing us to adopt cement bridges instead of honoring our traditions and continuing our relationship with nature. Displeased by this, it seems that the ‘Spirit of the Goddess’ has decided to leave us. We urge the government to recognize this as divine intervention and not interfere with our culture.”        

*****