A Petition.

In the District Court for

Splitsville County, State of Denial

Civil Division

I.

           This suit is brought by Absolutely (Abby) Dunn, Petitioner who is Forty Six (46) years of age and who resides at 1111 Loved Him Once Street, City of Newfound Freedom, State of Annoyance.

            Respondent, Dr. E. B. Dunn, is a permanent resident at the Nobu Hotel with his 1962 Ferrari 250 GTO in a gated parking location.

II.

            These parties were excitedly joined together in Holy Matrimony by the Very Honorable Ben Hitched, Justice of the Peace in City of Young Love, Heartland County, on the 14th Day of February, in the year of our Lord, A.D. 1983 when both the Petitioner and Respondent could barely afford to purchase gum and they were hardly aware of the fact. The couple met in the student union building of their university where the Petitioner was hustling other students for money pretending not to know how to play pool when she was actually a pool shark. They ceased living together as husband and wife on Friday, January 2, 2004, when she got pissed off, hauled off and smacked him with her wicked tennis backhand, took the Lexus, the America Express, $13592.36 in cash from the top drawer of his bedside table, her tuxedo Persian cat, to which he says she is entirely welcome, and vowed to take him for everything he owned with the exception his precious Ferrari GTO which he washes and waxes down with a chamois every weekend.

III.

           This once supportable marriage has become increasingly insupportable because of an underlying conflict of personalities between Petitioner and Respondent, namely that the respondent had, following the obtaining of his medical degree, developed a God complex and the Petitioner refused to worship in his congregation. At the top of his field, he became a voracious seeker of the next impossible surgery. In addition, the respondent, currently a plastic surgeon, who once believed the Petitioner was the most beautiful woman on Earth, now spends his day building his clients into the perfect woman from various parts, nips and insanely tight tucks. The Petitioner cannot compete with the women who bring him their flaws and under his hand become a flawless barbie while Abby remains his hopelessly flawed little housewife at her part-time job at the flower shop constructing bouquets who will hopefully make someone’s day.

An additional conflict which arose in the marriage was the settling of the financial structure of the marriage. Chiefly, the Respondents greatest concern was the ability of the Petitioner to limit her spending to the size of his income. The Petitioner concedes that she has replaced her need for affection and fills her long, lonely nights with the exultation of spending the income of women who are unsatisfied with current size of their breasts, lips and buttocks on things that mean nothing to her. The insurmountable personality conflicts in the marriage currently prevent any reasonable expectation of reconciliation. The marriage is irretrievably broken, and Abby feels the same way.

   IV.

            There is no child born or adopted of this marriage following the loss of three successive pregnancies due to aneuploidy. Although the Respondent would have been willing to pursue other avenues of pregnancy, the Petitioner was unable to consider the alternatives. She wanted to carry a child of her own. The Petitioner believes this decision was her hamartia that ultimately led to her emotional disconnection to the Respondent who had always wanted to be a Dad. The Petitioner is not pregnant at this time.

 V.

            As a result of this marriage, one cat has been adopted which Dr. Dunn purchased for Mrs. Dunn so she would not be alone at night (he is the one who named her): Mrs. Edgar Allen Paw. Custody will not be granted to the Respondent. He is neither fit nor a proper caretaker of a feline as has been witnessed by the soon-to-be-former spouse. The Respondent spends long hours at the office and in surgery. Reasonable visitation will also not be granted. The Respondent, E.B. Dunn, is a healthy adult and should be ordered and directed to make regular period payments of Pet Support for the maintenance and support of the above named until the cat reaches the age of 18 years of age of majority in the amount of $1200.00 per month.

VI.

            Petitioner requests the Court to divide the estate of the parties as follows: the Respondent will be able to keep possession of the 1962 Ferrari 250 GTO and 25% of his annual income in order to keep the Petitioner in the life to which she has become accustomed. In addition to the 32 acre estate on which resides the 19,782 square foot living space, the Petitioner requests full ownership of the Lexus, the flat she personally decorated in London, the apartment in Marrakesh, and the residence in Madrid because Dr. Dunn does not have time to travel to any of these places and has never seen any of them. The Petitioner wishes she could share them with him. She concedes the library and all of its books to the respondent. The Petitioner recognizes how much the books in his library mean to him. He is a voracious reader. He falls to sleep each night with a book in hand.

VII.

            WHEREFORE, premises considered, Petitioner, Abby Dunn prays that upon hearing this cause of Petition for Divorce, the Court grant and award the Petitioner a Decree of dissolving the marriage to the Respondent and grant sole custody of the cat to the Petitioner without reasonable visitation privileges to the Respondent, with reasonable Pet Support, for the care and maintenance of said cat; a somewhat fair and wholly inequitable division of property and debts and obligations accumulated by the parties, and an order restraining both parties, both permanently and during the pendency of this action, from harassing, threatening or harming the other party; that the Respondent shall bear the entire cost of all applicable attorney fees of the action for the Petitioner; that the Petitioner will be restored to her former name and identity in hopes she can start over; and other such relief as to which the Petitioner may be entitled and which may be deem just and proper by the court.

Submitted with regret and riddled with indecision. Abby Dunn        

–Petition for Divorce, Dunn v. Dunn, Case No. 77-36948, Dist. Ct., Splitsville County, Denial, Aug. 23, 2005.