Letters to My Loved Ones

Dear Mommy,

Why did you have to go?

On all the days, of all the years, of all the generations. Sometimes I still hear the splashing of the coffee machine, now deserted, showering your “Best Mom Ever” coffee cup, sometimes I still smell your Gingham perfume.

I wondered a lot about that night. All my teenage questions jumbled up into a hot mess, like when the confetti cannon fires and you can’t get all the confetti out of your hair for a while. My questions stuck like that confetti.

Where were you going so late at night? These bells of wrongness were ringing in my head. All I knew was that you were gone. Dead. Like one of the fish we get at the supermarket. Left out in the ice until you’re selected. And then you realize how gone you are.

I know you never chose to…you know. But it hurts so much. Knowing I’ll never hug you again, I’ll never turn away your kisses, I won’t be able to tell you about my days at school.

Knowing I’ll never see you again…

Daddy told us that it wasn’t a car crash. You pulled over to the side on the highway, resigned to your fate. You were so brave, Mommy.

At first, passersby thought that you were sleeping. Many people on I-10 were driving long trips and had to pull over to take a quick nap. But when you didn’t return for two days, Daddy sent out a concern to the police. We got an amber alert and eventually someone reported your car, all alone in the California sunshine.

One day later, the police called.

And they told us you were dead.

What really happened Mommy?

It’s been 11 months since you died, but you’re still in my every waking thought.

It’s taken me a while to write this to you. I’ve been grieving, crying, not wanting to remind myself of that horrible day.

I love you Mommy.

And I will love you until the day that every last piece of my being and soul is gone, which is forever.

I can promise you that.

***

Dear Uncle Joe,

I hope you like that I’m using my nickname for you that you love so much.

It’s funny, and entirely not, that we can share so many similarities with someone, and so many differences.

Maybe I’m just mad, maybe I’m in pain, maybe I miss you more than you could ever know.

How far have I come from the ashes, only to be dragged back under?

Mommy was bad enough, I can’t forgive you now that you’ve made it one more.

You used to say it was childish to still call my parents Mommy and Daddy, but it’s like one of those bendy pencils.

You want to keep it unbroken, and it’s only that much flexible (because as we all know those bendy pencils are crap), but if you press it a bit further, it’ll snap.

I’m the pencil, living a reality I wish were false, chasing a dream I wish was real.

But I’ve already snapped.

I’m trying to pick up the pieces of myself and glue them together, though I’m failing horribly.

Uncle Joe, why did you do it?

I’m guessing you were a pencil too, huh?

You had no reason to be here anymore, your wife had left, your sister was dead, your child was sent to juvie for stealing a gun.

But you had me! I know I sound stuck-up, but can’t you imagine how I feel?

I can’t begin to describe how much heartbreak….

I’ll make you a promise, Uncle Joe.

I won’t ever leave you.  I won’t leave you like your wife, your sister, or your son.

Everyday until I die, I will sit with you and tell you about the life I wished you could be living with me.

I’m not being spiteful, but I think we can both agree we needed (we…or I…still need) someone to talk to.

I can promise you that.

I love you.

***

Dear Aspen,

I’ve cried for 4 hours straight.

It’s not a talent though, it’s a curse.

I hate him, that..that…sinner…gangster…felon…I can’t write what I really really want to write. Mommy wouldn’t approve—wouldn't have approved.

But I do wish I could punch him in the stomach, slap that conniving look off his face, and kick him in a particular area where it will hurt, a lot.

I hope I’m making you feel better, up there in the afterlife. I hope you’re reading over my shoulder and smiling, hugging me even though I can’t feel it.

I’m your big sister! I’m supposed to protect you.

But I am futile.

Remember when we would go to the top of our favorite hill at the park? We would roll down and get our hair messy, our clothes dirty, our smiles glowing.

Remember when you went to the zoo for the first time? 12 years old, and still amazed that a bird could have so many colors on it. You thought the Google pictures were photoshop.

Remember when we joked around, told each other secrets that we didn’t tell anyone else, discussed pranks we could play on Everest? He would get so mad, and we would run away laughing.

Remember when Harley was first born? He was so tiny and adorable. We both would fight over who got to hold him, and then realize that eventually it got boring just staring at a mini sleeping being.

Remember when we cried together at Mommy’s funeral?

Or when you went with me to Uncle Joe’s grave and sat stone faced next to me, listening to me talk, knowing how much we had lost?

You are so, so strong Aspen. You know that?

It’s not your fault, and it never will be. You were only 14. You…you died so young.

I wish it had been me instead.

Good news! That…pervert…is sentenced to a lifetime of jail. I visit him from time to time when I need to yell at someone without feeling guilty.

Aspen, let me promise you this:

I will take care of your things. Even though you’re gone, I will still respect your privacy. You told me to never read your diary no matter what, and even though I am tempted to bring back our memories, I will not read them. I will never sell your stuffed animals, or give them away. 

I can promise you that.

I hope you’re happy, Aspen.

I love you so, so much.

***

Dear Harley,

I should’ve paid for your swim classes.

I’m 16. I can handle a $15 swim class once a week, can’t I?

I know you can’t understand any of the things I’m saying right now.

But I want to pick you up and tell you that you’re supposed to be okay.

I want to grab you from that horrible place that has taken you and wrap my arms around you in a big bear hug, like a true big sister would, to her little brother.

It’s all my fault.

I left the door open, coming back inside.

I should’ve checked, but my stupid stupid self has no good habits.

You waddled up to me, with those puppy dog eyes.

“Ezli!!” You shouted in the cute way you’d mispronounce my name.

I smiled down at you and continued to watch a show on my phone.

You stomped away and I barely paid any attention.

Then I heard you giggle halfway, and then stop.

“Harley?”

I put down my phone and walked around the house, frantically searching for where you were.

When I was searching the living room, I looked up and realized—the door was still open.

“OMG HARLEY!”

I ran outside and to my horror, a dark shape was lying at the bottom of the 12 feet deep pool.

I didn’t stop to think.

I jumped in and grabbed you, struggling to lift you despite your small size.

I swam and I swam until my arms gave out and I laid you onto the patio.

But it was too late.

Harley, I'm so, so sorry.

What is wrong with me?

I keep doing this.

I’m losing loved ones like dead flies.

Harley, if I ever have a chance to save someone else, I will.

I’ll do it for you Harley.

I can promise you that.

I love you.

***

Dear Isla,

You told me that this might happen.

You sent me away from you, afraid of how crippled I might become if I ever were to lose you.

I’m not upset.

I’m just broken, that’s all.

I miss you.

Simple sentences cannot explain the grief I am feeling. I know, I am lost without you.

I don’t know how to describe the light I felt when you were around, the love you showed, the love I felt, I just know that I do love you, forever and always.

I, Ezili, have officially lost my best friend, my joy, my heart.

You swept it away when you left, in that last beep of your slowing heart.

I knew you had it, my mortal enemy, kidney cancer, but you were just…

I couldn’t ever leave you, how could I?

Before you died, you said that we are lucky you even lived this long.

You had the possible dates set on your calendar, a bucket list of everything we should do together, before…

I promised Harley…

I read books to you in the hospital.

I talked to the doctors about things you didn’t want to say.

I helped you write all your letters to your family, I let you cry into my shoulder, I brought you your favorite stuffed dinosaur plushie.

I donated my freakin kidney to you!

And I still failed.

I failed to keep my promise.

The most important one.

I don’t deserve anything anymore.

I didn’t deserve you.

Isla, I hope that the life you lived was full, incredible, the best life ever.

I hope I made you as happy as any best friend, lover (whatever I was to you), could possibly make you.

I hope…how much farther can I go with hoping?

Isla, many people believe love deserves a second chance. I used to be one of those believers, fantasizing about who I would love.

Until I met you.

I wish I could find a second chance. I know you would want me to.

But I can’t. And I won’t.

Isla, for the rest of my days, I won’t find a second love.

I don’t deserve to.

I love you Isla.

***

Dear Everest, Daddy, and family,

Please do one thing for me.

Know that I am not dead, though the papers say so. Know that I am not gone, though the records say differently.

I am finding a new place, where I can change my identity, and find our loved ones someplace far away.

Everest, you are amazing and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you find love, which I’m sure you will cuz you’re fine as my thin lined sharpie, I hope she’s as amazing as you are.

Daddy, I know things have been tough for you. We’re riding the same boat. I’ve left you $10,000 in your sock drawer. Also, all Mommy’s old stuff. We’re both heartbroken, but it doesn’t change the fact that you kept going and never gave up.

Cousin Zaria, Aunt Melina, Grandma,

You guys are awesome and so supportive. I know I can count on y’all for anything I’ve ever needed. You’ve been my lifeline of laughs and fun. Thank you so so much.

Everyone…please accept this as a goodbye. Please don’t try to look for me.

I guess that last goodbye really was goodbye.

I promise, I’ll be happier.

I love you all.

And I’ll see you guys in the beyond.

Love,

Ezili