Feelings

*Warning: Mild language and slight sexual innuendo*

Was it over when it had barely begun? Could something so good go so wrong so fast? I stare at my phone screen, these thoughts running around in my head. I had only been dating him for a few weeks. He seemed so perfect. Just what I was looking for. That rare blend of expectations and wishful thinking that makes a man seem like a dream. My type was hard to find in my area, but then again, he wasn’t in my area, was he? No, we hadn’t even been in the same room together yet. Maybe that was the problem. That and me. It was always me. Me and my stupid feelings.

I watched as his icon went from ‘online’ to ‘offline’. As usual, he didn’t bother to respond. He didn’t even read my text. Obviously too busy with something, or someone, else. As he usually says at the end of the day: “sorry, I was busy with work”. But those conversations we’d have in the morning… They were perfect. Until he’d randomly disappear for hours. Then leave me on read. But he promised he was trying the hardest to change. To start replying more often, to not leave me unread for hours, even when he’d been online during those hours. But maybe I was expecting too much. After all, everyone always says to give responses time. Not jump online after getting a notification and type as fast as you can to get a response in before they get offline. But I guess that was my feelings again. Messing things up like they always do.

Hey baby, how’s work today?

I wait, wondering if he just forgot to respond to my last message and hoping to get him online again. I wait. And wait. Eventually, I put my phone down, focusing back on my food and the conversation two of my friends are having. They’re talking about college, life in general, and all the homework my one friend has to catch up on due to her mid-term Spain trip. I add something to their list that they forgot, and she groans comically, flinging her head back so hard she almost tips the chair over. Me and my other friend burst out laughing, but for me, the laughter is short-lived. My smile fades a bit as the tang of vinegar reminds me of my still-untouched lunch. I don’t even know his favourite food.

“Hey, Mel, could you help me with that ‘mini series’ thing you were talking about? Gwen said you were really good at it.” My eyes dart up to meet her eyeliner-rimmed ones. I cleared my throat.

“Yeah, sure. I really enjoyed the way Mr Fezz let us interpret the project in our own way. He’s great, isn’t he?” I turn to Gwen, and I see her smile.

“Omg, yes, he’s sooo funny. You really missed out last week. He literally told us he didn’t want us in class because we had a trip that afternoon, so we didn’t have to come in for the morning at all. Some of us turned up anyway so we could finish some work, and he had literally locked the classroom! We had to run around the college trying to find him!” She says with a giggle, her hand coming up to cover her mouth in a cute way. Faith grinned.

“Well, I’m glad I didn’t have to run around anywhere. You know how I usually like to wear these kinds of shoes.” At that reminder, Faith raised her leg high enough that we could see the healed platforms she had on. The black rubber that was her sole was at least two inches thick, if not more. “What can I say, they make me feel tall.” Gwen and I both start to laugh again, this time, a real laugh bubbles up from my stomach. The thought of Faith, the 4’9, petite, goth girl, feeling tall… well, Gwen almost fell out of her chair, not that she was in much of a better position being 5’0 and all. At 5’4, I was the designated ‘tall friend’, a title I had never held before I met these two gremlins. The three of us giggled together until a notification came to our phones at the same time.

“Group chat.” We said in unison. But despite the knowledge that it was near impossible for notifications to come in at the exact same time, I couldn’t help but wonder if Nate had texted as well. As we all checked our phones, I could feel the sinking feeling in my chest. He had been online again, but he still hadn’t even looked at my last two messages. Despondent, I checked the group chat and responded to the conversation accordingly.

That afternoon, on the bus home, I texted him again.

Nate? I think we need to talk about this

I wait again for his response, but this time, he’s online within a minute.

Wdym

I mean that I can’t keep doing this. Leaving me on read, or worse, on unread. For HOURS, nate. I can see you’ve been online, but you still don’t even look at my texts.

Well im busy with work. You know that. Im also really sick

What does being sick have to do with not texting me? You could easily find time to just text me a quick message.

Look, im just not in the mood, ok i dont want to talk rn

Then say something to me. Don’t just ignore me. Please.

Omfg im trying, ok? Im really sick and im super busy with work and things are not going well for me atm

Why don’t you talk to me about these things? You know I’m here for you, always, and I’m willing to help if that’s what you want.

I don’t do that.

Wdym, you don’t do that?

I can feel the bridge of my nose crinkle with confusion, but I can also feel the slight burn in my eyes that I try to avoid at all costs.

I dont talk about that stuff

Why not? You know I’m not going to judge you. I’m just trying to help my boyfriend.

Well i just dont k?

I pause for a moment, that burn getting stronger as I look up from my phone for a minute, trying to cool the burn by looking at the bus roof. I take a deep breath before responding.

Fine, but that doesn’t mean you can just ignore me for most of the day. At the moment, I feel like you only text me when you’re horny or if I bother you a lot. I don’t want to feel like a bother, ok? And when you ignore me, I feel shit.

Thats not true. I dont just text when im horny.

Well I haven’t seen much proof of that. The only times we have decent conversations is in the morning when you tell me you’re hard.

I space out for a moment, thinking about all the sweet little things he’s told me in the mornings. One time, he said he’d been hard for ages, waiting for me to wake up. When I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable sending certain pictures that he had requested, he said it’s ok. I offered to send something different, but he said not to bother. I then suggested that he just use a porn site, but his immediate response was: “I don’t want to look at other women when I have you. It doesn’t feel right.” When I zone back in and look at my phone, he’s responded.

Not true. We talk all the time.

If by ‘all the time’ you mean two responses from you in a day, then sure, we talk ALL the time. But to me, that’s below minimum.

Well idk what you expect me to do. Im busy with work all the time. And as i said, im really sick. So maybe you need to relax a bit.

Look, if I’m being annoying please tell me. But don’t just ignore me. I’m sorry if I’m too much sometimes.

Your too much all the time. Fuking calling me when im in work, always texting when im clearly busy

Wdym clearly? YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING! I ASK YOU WHAT YOUR PLANS ARE FOR THE DAY AND IT TAKES YOU 8 HOURS TO RESPOND

BECAUSE IM BUSY JESUS CHRIST

THEN JUST TELL ME IT TAKES LESS THAN A MINUTE TO TEXT “IM GOING TO BE GONE FOR A FEW HOURS, OK? I’LL TEXT YOU WHEN IM BACK”

Look, i think your way too demanding. Maybe this wasnt a good idea.

Maybe it wasnt

I stare at the last two messages. Then my last message. Unread. He literally disappeared right after his last text. I only realise I’m crying when a teardrop falls on my screen, magnifying those two grey check marks like the universe is taunting me. Or maybe it’s just my own fault for crying. My fault for being too clingy and pushing another guy away. They say to never chase; let them chase you. Yet, in my experience, if I don’t chase, nothing happens. The relationship crumbles. Friends disappear. People don’t text back. Maybe they never want to text back, they just do when I’ve been texting them, out of guilt or social expectation. Does anyone really like me enough to check in if I go silent? Or will they all just breathe a sigh of relief when they don’t get a message from me every day? What if I just withdrew from social interactions altogether? Would anyone reach out? Or have my stupid feelings driven them away? My stupid, intense, over-the-top feelings. Always making my life hell. Feeling too much when I shouldn’t. Not feeling enough when I should. Always trying to hide how much something affects me or how it affects me. Maybe I should just let everyone be free. Free of my ridiculous, always-there feelings. Despite years of trying to tone myself down, my feelings always seem to be too much.