How to Be My Bestie

1.) Text back quickly. Yeah it sucks that we’re all supposed to be available 24/7 now, and yes, mental health crises happen, but if you have a habit of leaving me on read for three weeks, it’s a hard pass from me. 

2.) Do not repeat the same stories every time we hang out. Like yes, I’m sorry you had that roommate from hell in college, but I don’t need to hear about how she threatened you over moving her clothes out of the dryer after they’d sat for four days every time we meet up for coffee.

3.) Be at least a casual fan of Taylor Swift. I know this seems ridiculous, but Taylor is very important to me and if you don’t listen to her at all you just aren’t going to get a lot of my references or understand the essence of my personality. 

4.) You must consider yourself a feminist. Because obviously. 

5.) Live within ten miles of me. If you live farther, we can be friends, but we can’t be  best friends. I need it to be easy to get to you when you want an impromptu movie night. Especially important if you aren’t crazy about driving. If you’re going to complain about the inconvenience of driving to me when I’ve had a hard day at work and want your company, then what the fuck are we doing. 

6.) Must come to the funeral of anyone important to me who passes. No one wants to attend their friend’s aunt’s funeral, but if you love me and you knew my aunt even a little bit, your ass should be there. Don’t tell me you can’t make it because it’s just too hard. Of course it’s fucking hard. It’s a funeral, not a Taylor Swift concert. Which you should want to attend by the way. Don’t you know how lucky you are if you get the opportunity? 

7.) Give me gifts on Christmas and my birthday. It doesn’t need to be expensive or elaborate. I just want to know that you care about me. That you go into a store one day and see something that makes you think of me, so you buy it, and you cherish the look on my face when I open it. I will do this for you. Friends get each other gifts. That’s how friends work. Every time it’s Christmas or my birthday and you have nothing for me, I feel like trash that smells worse with each missed occasion. 

8.) Don’t flirt with my boyfriend. Even if he’s objectively hot. Even if you think there is absolutely no way he could ever be interested in you. This is basic friend shit. I shouldn’t have to explain it.

9.) Don’t compare the way my ex hurt you as a friend to the way he hurt me as a partner. I’m sorry he was a dick to you. He shouldn’t have been. He also shouldn’t have been a dick to me, and you should see that. Your bond with him was not more intense than mine was. He did not let you down in a deeper, more intense way. I understand that even without the sexual interest, he made you feel special. That’s what he does. But when I told you how he hurt me, how he strung me along and kept me guessing for so long, you should have been on my side. You should have ceased all contact with him. Hell, you should have keyed his car, or at least wanted to. Instead you hung out with him and his new girlfriend behind my back, for months. And then you developed feelings for him. What in the actual fuck? Why did you believe his lies? How could you not see that he acts like his suffering is more profound than anyone else’s to endear himself to women that he then leaves bruised and bloody, metaphorically speaking? Sure, he’s been through some shit, but so have I. And so have you. And so has everyone. But for him it’s an excuse to discard us like we’re nothing after months of telling us he’s too broken to love but letting us believe that we can be the one to fix him because he makes us each individually believe that we are special by giving us the best compliments we’ve ever received. Maybe all of this I could forgive if you didn’t go and forgive him a year later and start hanging out with him again. And now you’re telling me he’s changed. Well guess what? I’ve changed too. I’ve become a person who knows I deserve better than this shit. So good luck to you, and good luck to him, and good luck to whatever poor girl he’s saddled himself with now. We had some fun times together, you and I, but you let me down, and now I’m moving on. 

10.) Don’t be my last bestie. Maybe this silly list has gotten out of hand. But you get it. I was betrayed. People talk about how you learn what you want in a romantic relationship from your experience in failed ones. No one talks about how the same is true of friendships. There are qualities my ex best friend had that I would love to have in a new bestie. She was so fucking funny. She had impeccable taste in TV. She ensured I looked my absolute best for any occasion by picking out the outfit I looked cutest in. She made a mean strawberry pie. She always let me drink enough to have a great time, but made sure I didn’t drink enough to humiliate myself or wake up with a hangover. I miss her a lot actually, and I fucking hate that I do. Maybe she’s talking to him right now. Maybe they’re bonding over everything they hate about me. Or maybe not. Maybe she’s missing me too. Maybe she’s thinking about everything she hopes is different from me in her next best friend, only to realize that she doesn’t actually want a new best friend. Maybe I should just text her. Fuck it, yeah, I’ll text her.