HIM

What if I never figure out my life purpose? What if it is my destiny to be born in disarray and die in chaos? How does everyone seem so sure of what they want, how they want to live, and even how they want to die?

If we ask people about their biggest dreads in life, most will state death! That sneaky enemy lurking in the dark, waiting to harvest new lives every day, that demon robbing us of the only thing we seem to own, truly: Time! Yet, doesn't it at least offer some closure, in a way, or an ending to our narrative, be it happy or sad?

Frankly, at this point, my reality is more frightening. It feels scary to play chess against an unwelcomed guest or always wonder who's the friend or the foe. Sometimes, it feels like I tango with an invisible ghost waiting for a measly oversight: a single misstep. It feels cruel and lonesome, but more precisely, tense standing one step away from messing up everything. It's exhausting to watch out for those unpredictable and deadly steps, constantly.

I've been brought up in a "normal" family. My parents barely met since they worked all day, yet things got heated once they gathered: it always got upside-down as soon as everyone got home. Nevertheless, my siblings and I spent more time with each other since we'd walk to school every morning; we'd try to help around the house and even cook sometimes.

From the outside, it sure seemed as if we were super tight. However, in reality, everyone lived in their own distinguishable globe. We all rotated in different orbits. At least, that's how I always felt. I was deeply lonesome as a scared stray kitten in a shambles. The worst part was when it got rainy and cold, with nobody around to shelter or pick me up. I tried to make a friend; yes, just one friend like a normal kid, someone I could trust, confide in, and vent to; yet, I was never lucky. I guess I've always felt insecure, worthless, and unlovable. Not even my parents cared about my life. So, I believe each family has a black sheep, and that's definitely me.

Most people say that being invisible is a superpower. Even my younger sister has always said that it is. She is the youngest, so she's been in the spotlight since forever, and being in the dark seems like an impossible pursuit. She says she'd kill to switch lives with me, but if only she knew how hellish my life is. All the ongoing clashes, battles, and combats are continuously running. Mysterious characters are only as fun and intriguing the less you know them.

The closer you get, the more you wish you never approached. Perhaps, it is all in my head, and I've doomed myself to this personal hell and eternal torture.

Forgive me, I know you are as lost as I am at this point. Well, you know that moment when you finally stop fighting? The moment you surrender to reality? When you have nothing left to live for and nothing to lose? At that exact moment of deafening peace, the universe decides to tip its hand, and gods -sitting high above- roll the dice with your life. It must be really entertaining for them to watch us, mere humans, stumble in life. Well, in my case I stumbled on HIM.

One of the rare things I enjoy in life is my long walks. I could spend hours wandering and roaming the city's corridors, through the bustling streets, lively boulevards, charming alleys, and especially the super cozy Cul-de-sacs. After every promenade, I'd always get my Expresso shot; maybe I pick it because it's everything I am not: strong, bitter, and to the point. I'd take my time sipping it at my usual table near the entrance; even if it wasn't the nicest spot, it felt the safest. Perhaps that was a sign of my evermore readiness to escape everything and everyone at any point. With one foot in and one out, I can watch people here and there and hear their random chatter.

That evening, I could feel HIS eyes on me, his voice -while ordering- felt like a hot whisper that wrecked my defenses. All intrigued, I glanced up for a second, and God I wanted to lock that moment forever. I tried to look away as I always do, but it was too late. His gaze got me all nervous but mesmerized. I was guilty as charged and he caught me; I wasn't invisible anymore, not to HIM. For once, I didn't want to leave or run away and he sure knew.

Where did all the shadows disappear? Why does it feel like I can see someone? I actually feel him even from a distance, but why would he even find me interesting? Am I even good enough to deserve his attention?

A million questions rushed to my mind reminding me how worthless I am. All my insecurities washed to the surface. All that self-hatred turned into screaming voices in my head. I am absolutely going crazy. All of a second, I snap out of it as I feel a light tap on my shoulder.

'Hey !'

It was HIM.

My heart is racing I can feel it aggressively digging a hole in my chest. A strange feeling curls as I feel my stomach turned and tangled. I am trying so hard to hide my stress and confusion. I tighten my fingers around the cup trying to gather the courage to respond.

My lips barely part, curve, and the air finally moves to articulate one simple word. While my gaze shifts to the floor, with a soft and trembling voice, I respond:

'Hi!'

After that encounter, days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and without realizing it, that stranger turned into my man, my soulmate, my life partner, and the love of my life. We were so delighted we vowed to be husband and wife before God, family, and friends. We were genuinely so deep in love we couldn't imagine a life without one another.

In no time, we were blessed with a little miracle of our love. I am 20 weeks pregnant and we are over the moon. Life was flawless up until the moment my husband started experiencing extreme headaches, seizures, and nausea. We went for a checkup and the news was devastating.

"You have brain Cancer, sir!"