If I Do I Wont Be Able To

When I left the motel I had an erie feeling I was being watched. It was a feeling Ive been experiencing for the past nine months. In the shower, in my car, no private moments or thoughts. The moment or i should say the problem that got me here was me. You see i left my wife twelve months ago, but after three months i started missing her and the kids, so I went back.. I love my wife and kids but somehow I just aint ready for that life yet. The kids are always screaming and yelling trashing the house, my wife although she keeps trying to hold everything together nothing she did seemed to work she was great but I wanted to keep experiencing life as a single man and maybe evin find someone better than my wife along the way. So I packed my things and never looked back, I saw the kids from time to time or when I could but there just wasnt enough time to do everything. I was finally free and that life didnt include the baggage of a family.. Three months after leaving I found myself in love again she had three children but that didnt matter they werent mine I didnt have to do anything.. But that didnt work either so I ran to my wife who was familer and soothing. I didnt go back to her but it was nice to know her body again. I wanted to test the waters with something new i had started before i left my girlfriend. This girl gave me a good feeling and i wanted to be her everything, she had two kids but they were a little older and quiet, I could work with that..at first I was happy but I couldnt stop thinking of my wife after speaking to her one day. She sounded happy and I began wondering if shed moved on to someone else. If I was honest with myself she wasnt that bad. I ran because I wanted to screw around and have options outside of the marriage but somehow she always knew. Shed confront me and Id go into a fit of rage to hide my lies and indescretions. For a while it seemed she lost it she kept calling me asking me to come home she even slept with me from time to time with all the relationships inbetween. I could tell it was killing her, but I just wasnt ready to commit to her and the children, so I was harsh and cold towards her whenever she tried to speak about us and blamed her for everything not working out. As time passed she became distant when and began dating. It tore me to shreds and i sabatoged every relationship she tried to begin by playing on her love she had for me feed her bread crumbs to keep her stuck and hanging on. I really felt like I wanted to go back and work it out but once the men were gone I still didnt go back. I just wasnt ready... She stopped dating wich made me happy but she remained distant and although she slept with me it was different. With all this going on my current girlfreind began to notice a change between us. But i just couldnt choose between the two. I now know that i dont love my girlfreind and do my wife but i just felt like my life would be better with my girlfreind. And thats when the starnge things began happening. I couldnt sleep with my girlfreind anymore, id see my wife whenever i tried and it creeped me out. She invaded my dreams my thoughts, i was hearing her voice yet i still couldnt go to her. So i avoided her, and the more i did that the more my anxiety grew, and the feeling of being watched increased. I didnt know how but I knew she was doing this. It always seem as if she could tell the future and know things she shouldnt. She did tarot readings and talked about karma wich i felt was mumbo jumbo until the things she began saying about my current girlfreind came to pass. She was a female me! Using me and toying with my emotions and even cheating! She was treating me the way I treated my wife. Suddenly everything in my life started crashing down. I felt like my wife bewitched me to get even for all that i had done.. Or so i thought, until i had a horrible dream where i was warned by three Angels that if i didnt make things right between my wife and children I was gonna pay. I broke up with my girlfreind and moved into a motel to clear my mind and figure out how i was gonna aproach my wife but the feelings, they just intensified, my need to rush in and apologize came from fear more than sincerity. Everytime id try to try through txt it just would not go through. Messeges to everyone but her went through. I tried through e-mail social media every messeging app she had that i could think of but it just wouldnt go through. I know what your thinking, why didnt i go to her house? Oh i tried and tried the thing was every time i got in my car with the intention of going to her my car stalled. I even tried putting my intentions into going someplace else then change routes but i only ended up driving in circles never reaching her or my destination. Then the words your not pure kept flashing everywhere i couldnt escaped the hell I created for myself. So here i am running from my own shadows and darkness trying to clense my soul that i may aproach the being of light I tried to make dark. Everyday is a struggle for me and i often break down in uncontrolable sobs after work. Im a prisoner of my thoughts and fears. Not being able to make a choice has left me in peril. Justin heard a loud laugh echoing from the sky and looked up in horror to find an enormous eye peering down at him. He ran into his motel room and shook in fear. Where was he?