Confliction

January, 19th 2018

Dear Diary,

God that Sounds Weird! I know my therapist told me to start a diary, but what do I write about? I guess I'll talk about my day at school…I don’t know what to say. God this is so stupid, Beth out.  

January, 26th 2018

Dear Diary, 

I know it’s been a week, but to tell the truth I never had any intention to keep writing. I talked to my therapist again today and she asked me if I had kept writing in my diary. I told her yes and I think she believed me. She asked if she could see, so I had to tell her that I left it at home. I think I am going to buy another diary and fill it up. I don’t need someone collecting a check to read my thoughts. I don’t know, maybe she was right. I do oddly feel better after writing, maybe I will keep writing. That’s all for now, until next time, sincerely Beth. XOXO 

February 7th, 2018

Dear diary, 

I have to say my day at school was a lot better than yesterday's entry. My heart is still beating, Jacob Thomas talked to me today. He is the captain of the football team. He called me Beth. I didn’t even know he knew my name or who I was. God he was dreamy, with his curly brown hair, eyes like the sea. We talked for a while before class ended. We exchanged numbers. I can’t get him out of my mind. He’s bevs ex boyfriend. Me and her hate each other, she's the reason I started this Diary. To tell you the truth I don’t care who his ex is. But I should end this entry here so I can text Jacob. I think I might be in love. 

February 15th, 2018 

Dear diary, 

It’s been a little less than a week since Jacob and I started dating. He told me he had feelings for me at a party that he invited me to. Me and him are taking things slow. I don’t know how dating works, since I never had a boyfriend, let alone had sex. But I think he might be the one, his heart is pure and filled with love. I wanted to tell Bev and rub it in her face. But we agreed to keep our relationship lowkey. I haven’t even said anything to my best friend Bree. I know she would totally freak out and tell everyone. That’s who she is. Maybe next year we can celebrate Valentine's day. I really hope so. My mother finished dinner so I have to end it here. 

February 28th, 2018

Dear diary, 

I finally told Bree who I was dating and God did she flip her shit. But before I told her I made her swear on the lord's name not to tell a soul and she promised. I also kissed Jacob on the lips for the first time, they were tender. I had chills come over me. I was so nervous but I felt like I made the right decision.  

March 3rd, 2018 

Dear diary, 

Lord please let nothing bad happen to Jacob. Today he surprised me by taking me to the carnival. He won me a stuffed animal, it was a cute fluffy bear. I felt like he knew me, like no one else did. I know it sounds cheesy, but it felt like I was a princess and he was my prince charming. I feel like he is my forever love, I couldn’t see myself without him in my life. I just hope we last. Jacob is calling me. Until next time XOXO 

March 9th, 2018

Dear diary,

It’s official, today was our one month anniversary. Jacob surprised me at my parents house with flowers and chocolates. He was dressed up nice. My dad and Jacob got along, so did my mother, that was nice. My parents showed him pictures of me when I was kid, God that was embarrassing. After my parents went to sleep and Jacob left I heard a knock on my window. It was Jacob. I told him he was crazy and let him in. We talked for a bit and then he left. My heart is pounding. He told me he wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I didn’t know what to say, but he told me I could think about it. My head is getting heavy, so I should probably get some sleep. 

March 12th, 2018

Dear diary,

Today was stressful, during lunch I told Bree what Jacob told me. She told me I wasn’t romantic. I love Bree but sometimes she lives in her own romance novel. She said I should have let Jacob take me on the bed right then and there. But who knows, my heart was beating loud that night, maybe I should have listened to it, let it guide me. The lord did say “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” I am conflicted. Do I follow the lord or my heart? Which is right? I have to think about it.

March 30th, 2018

Dear diary,

After thinking a long time and reading the bible I decided that my love for Jacob is real. In my heart me and Jacob are married, not by a piece of paper but in my heart we are. I can’t ignore my feelings. If I am wrong, all I hope is that the lord forgive me and know that I only disobey him because I am sinful. God I feel so wrong, but happy. Tomorrow is the night. I have chills, it feels like I might throw up. I’m nervous but I’m ready. I just hope it doesn't hurt. God I even bought protection. I’m so embarrassed I’m making a cross over my body. Maybe tomorrow I’ll change my mind.    

March 31th, 2018

Dear diary,

The deed is done. Gosh the deed? I still feel conflicted. Jacob and I just finished a few minutes ago. The mood was just right, He whispered into my ear that he loved me and it eased my tension. I did some things I didn’t even think I was capable of. My mouth was still a little salty, but I enjoyed myself. I don’t know why, but even though everything was right, something in my gut didn’t feel right. I think I’ll feel better at school when I talk to Bree on Monday. 

April 2nd, 2018

Dear diary,

God I don’t know how to start this. Today was the worst day of my life, when I got to school I could feel that something was wrong, it felt like everyone was watching me. I was clueless, that was until I got to Bree. She couldn’t even speak, all she could do was place her phone in my face. My life was ruined forever, it is all Jacobs fault. I looked at Bree’s phone and it was me pleasing Jacob. I didn’t know what to say so I stormed off to confront Jacob. Why would he do that? I needed to know. When I saw him he had the nerve to act like everything was normal. I slapped him across the face and asked him why he shared such a personal and intimate recording with everyone at school. But his answer didn’t really matter, my high school life is already over. I can’t write anymore. I need time to process this. 

 April 27th, 2018

Dear diary, 

I know it’s been a while, 25 days to be exact. I talked to my therapist today. I told her I was being bullied. She asked me why. I told her because they hate me. She asked me why? Because I was a girl. I told the truth, just not the full truth. She asked if it was mostly boys or if it was girls. I said both. She asked if I thought about killing myself or harming myself. I told her no. That was a lie. But I couldn’t tell her that. I started cutting myself, but not deep enough to leave a mark, just enough to feel the pain and draw blood. I am lonely, so fucking lonely. God please take me. I still had Bree, but even she was distant, because of my mood. I don’t know what to do. Me and Jacob broke up and now him and Bev got back together, which is the worst. All she does is judge me, like I’m a whore. Maybe I am. 

May 1st, 2018 

Dear diary, 

God why me? Is it because I sinned against you? Maybe you aren’t even real. I’m so sorry God. I didn't mean to have that thought. I just don’t know what to do. I missed my period and I took a pregnancy test, it came back positive. It has to be Jacobs. Fuck! Why him? Why that Douchebag. Anybody but his. What should I do ? I need to sleep on it and maybe it will come to me. 

  May 12th, 2018 

Dear mom and dad, 

I’m sorry, but I want you to know that I love you. I need you to know it’s not your fault. You didn’t push me. I just saw this as the only option. I hope to see you again in heaven, that is if I make it. But I have faith that God knows my heart. Maybe I should have told you guys or maybe I shouldn’t have started dating Jacob. It’s hard to pinpoint when all my house of cards started to fall. All I know is that they fell and I can’t rebuild it, so this is my goodbye. Please tell Bree that it’s not her fault, it’s mine. This my last entry, Beth signing out for good.