A Better Person

“So, how have you been?” Miranda asked Jodie after they’d both finished placing their orders.

“I’ve been good. The kids are good. Mike is good,” said Jodie. “All is well, can’t too much complain. How about yourself? You look good!”

“Well thank you,” Miranda smiled. “So do you! And I’m doing well. Just same ol’-same ol’. Some traveling, some work stuff, dating. You know, the usual.”

“Yep, I know. Well, I’m glad you’re doing alright.”

The waiter brought them both the water they’d requested, and they took a sip.

“So. I’m sure you’re wondering why I invited you out today,” said Miranda.

“Well. I must admit, I am a bit curious,” Jodie leaned forward a little. “After all, it’s been how long since we last got together?”

“I know, and I hate that!” said Miranda. “I wish we could more often.”

“I do, too. But… I know we both have a lot going on…with our lives.”

“Right…” Miranda nodded.

“So… What’s up? Everything okay?” Jodie asked.

“Yeah, everything’s good. Well, kinda.”

Jodie’s eyes widened a little, signaling the question again.

“Well,” said Miranda. “The reason I wanted to meet…was to share something that’s been on my mind for a long, long time. Much longer than I’d care to admit,” she nervously chuckled. “And I feel like I need to finally just… Say it.”

“Okay, you’re kinda scaring me, Miranda. What’s going on? Are you sick? Are your parents okay? Everything alright with your job??”

“No, no.. None of those things. I’m fine, my parents are fine, job’s fine,” Miranda reassured her.

“Okay, then what is it?”

“Well… I know we’ve been friends for over 20 years now—”

“Yes…”

“And I’m trying to be a better person. And, in an effort to do so, I have something to confess. Something I began realizing years ago but has been really hard to face, let alone say out loud – let alone say out loud to you…until now…is that I’ve….”

Jodie’s eyes bulged bigger. “You…what?”

“I’ve…uhh---”

“Come on, Em, you know whatever it is, I won’t judge you and will still love you either way.” Jodie smiled.

Miranda smiled in return. “Well, thank you. That helps…a little.”

“Okay,” said Jodie. “So, go on…”

Miranda took a deep breath and then another sip of water. “This really isn’t easy, but… I think it needs to be said…to not have any secrets and have things out in the open in our friendship. Ya’ know—for us to always have a positive undercurrent, and nothing else, flowing through—"

“Hmm, I didn’t realize we didn’t?” Jodie interjected again.

“Umm… In a way.” Miranda paused again, her eyes locked with Jodie’s while her mind started to second-guess her decision to do this.

“Okay, I’ll just say it,” she said. “I’ve… For most of our friendship, I’ve been…jealous… of you.”

Jodie’s face turned from lighthearted anticipation to a sort of confusion.

“You have?” she asked

“Yeah… I have,” Miranda affirmed and lowered her head. “I know, I know! That’s bad. That’s really bad. You shouldn’t be jealous of friends… Or of anyone, for that matter. But alas, I have been. And I just want to ask for your forgiveness.” Her face washed with shame, it veered to the side, and she took another sip of water.

“Wait wait wait,” said Jodie. “What do you mean, ‘jealous’? Like, in what ways?”

“Well, I mean. Look at your life. You’re happily married to a wonderful man and have three great kids. You look great. Between you and your husband, you’re pretty financially stable and able to do fun and interesting things together. You have that big, gorgeous house. And I see a pretty chill, fun-filled, travel-full retirement in your future! I mean, literally what isn’t there to be jealous of!! Your whole life is damn near perfect! Definitely very hard not to envy, seeing it up close.”

She’d gotten quite excited ticking off the different things she was jealous about in Jodie’s life, only to again be reminded of her shame, as her head lowered again.

“Oh, wow,” said Jodie as she reflected and sat back.

“…Yeah.”

“That’s uhh… I don’t even know what to--- Wow. Is that it?”

“Yeah, that’s it. And I know. Might be a lot to taken in...”

“No, it’s just…” Jodie let Miranda’s words settle some more.

And then she burst out in animated laughter.

Miranda looked around nervously, trying to see if others noticed.

They didn’t. They were engrossed in their food and their own conversations.

“What?” Miranda whispered. “What’s so funny?”

“Em..” she tried several times to slow her laugh but failed.

“Okay, okay! I’m a riot, I guess!” said Miranda.

“No, no,” Jodie extended her hand out to Miranda’s as her laughter finally ceased. “I’m sorry. It’s just… Girl, you almost had my heart stopped! With that build-up. It was so dramatic! I’m like, ‘Did you sleep with Mike or something?!’”

“Oh god, no!!” exclaimed Jodie.

“Yeah, I just… I didn’t know, and you had me over here wondering!” she chuckled a little further. “But, no… Wow. That’s really big of you to say. I can only imagine how hard it was.”

Miranda’s eyes widened as she nodded.

“And it’s really sweet,” Jodie continued. “Sweet that you admire me. That’s what we’ll call it – admiration. Not ‘jealousy.’ But still, I appreciate your sharing it and feeling the need to. And trust me. You are a good person. You think I would be associated with anyone but?” she playfully smirked, and so did Miranda. You’re sweet, you have a good heart. You are a good person. I promise you.”

“You don’t have to say that---"

“I know, but I want to…because it’s true. So yes, just to let you know,” Jodie’s thumb gently circled Miranda’s hand as she leaned forward again and looked in her eyes intently. “It really isn’t a big deal. Really. There’s nothing to forgive.”

“Well, I’m really happy to hear you feel that way… That you’re taking it so well,” said Miranda. “I really didn’t know what you would think of me. Thought it might be weird…just kind of knowing you’ve had this friend all these years who… you know…”

“No, no. Like I said, it’s big of you to admit. And, I mean, honestly…” Jodie looked to the side for a moment.

“What?” said Miranda.

“If it makes you feel any better… and I guess while we’re on the subject. I’ve also long been jealous of you.”

“…You have?”

Jodie nodded, her lips lifted in a show of her own slight shame.

“How?” asked Miranda. “Jealous of what?” Her eyebrow lifted, genuinely puzzled.

“What? Are you kidding me?” said Jodie. “Your life… Your freedom.. Your autonomy… Being able to come and go as you please, without any kids or other person ever tying you down… You do what you want, when you want… Date who you want… Spend your money how you want.”

Miranda looked on, believing Jodie was finished, but she continued.

“I mean, look at all the traveling you do! You’ve been to places I can only dream of. And all of the fun experiences you get to have, and as much as you want to have them. Your life is full of excitement! Mystique. Intrigue. And spontaneity. Plus all of your wonderful friendships. Parenthood has sent most of my friendships to the wayside! My main social outlet is the 4-year-old I have to keep an eye on most days…and then my teenagers who want little to do with me.”

Jodie paused for a moment, reflecting on her own words before she remembered where she’d been going with her point. “But your social life… Man. It just seems so fun…and interesting…and grown. And look at you. You’re gorgeous. You actually get to work out regularly. And it shows.” She smiled.

Miranda didn’t immediately respond. She let Jodie’s words sink in.

“So, see!” beamed Jodie. “You aren’t alone! Clearly we’ve both had things the other has admired and maybe even wanted, and so a little jealousy—ahem, admiration—seems pretty inevitable. ‘Grass is greener’ and all that!” She chuckled.

Miranda still sat, reflecting.

Finally, she responded.

“Why?” she said.

“’Why’? what?” asked Jodie.

“Why…are you jealous of me?

“Huh?” I just told you.

“I mean, yeah, but… That isn’t cool,” said Miranda as she pulled her hand back and sat back in her chair. “In fact, it’s kind of weird.”

“Wait, wait?” Jodie softly laughed.

“I mean, all these years, we’ve been friends, and I thought it was about mutual love and respect—”

“It was!”

“But lo-and-behold…you’ve been over there…what, hating on me?!”

Jodie’s eyes narrowed. “Miranda, what? I just told you all the ways I’ve admired you… just like you told me all the ways you’ve admired me.”

“You just admitted to being jealous of me!!” exclaimed Miranda.

“Only after you admitted being jealous of me!!” Jodie found herself also getting worked up.

“Yeah, but you didn’t even admit it until I said something. Why should it have to have taken me saying so for you to say so.”

“Oh I don’t know, Miranda,” Jodie nervously chuckled. “But the point is, we both said it. Now, we each know. It’s no different.”

“But it is!”

“Oh my God, HOW?!”

“It just…is,” said Miranda.

They both paused and faked half-hearted smiles as the waiter lowered their orders onto the table.

“Thank you,” Jodie said to him, and he nodded before stepping away again.

Jodie leaned in towards Miranda again, whispering for the first time. “What just happened?” she asked, her gaze off to the side.

“You tell me,” said Miranda.

Jodie sighed. “Em, I really don’t see what the issue is here—"

(Miranda gets upset at the prospect of Jodie being jealous of her. Says that isn’t real friendship. So basically she’s been a “hater”? Whole time not wishing her well? What kind of friendship is that?

“The issue is, Jodie… Over 20 years of friendship, and to know you’ve been jealous of me, your friend…all this time. So, I can assume you haven’t been wishing me well all this time—”

“What?!? Of course that isn’t the case.”

“Sure it is. If you’re jealous of someone, of course you wish ill on their life. You want bad things to happen to them so you won’t be as jealous!”

“What?” Jodie’s face contorted. “Is that how you’ve felt? You’ve wanted bad things to happen to me?”

“Well, no! But that is sometimes the case, for some people!” said Miranda.

“Miranda… What are you talking about? I’ve always wished you well. There are just some things about you that I’ve admired along the way…”

“You’ve just wanted those things,” Miranda rolled her eyes.

“Miranda, I…I don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t think there is much else to say. I don’t know if I can be friends with someone who is on the side lines, just watching me and wanting my life. It’s toxic.”

Jodie’s mouth hang as Miranda seared through her.

Miranda grabbed and reached into her purse and threw cash down on the table, as Jodie watched on. “Wait, wher—” Jodie began as Miranda stood up and looked at her again.

“Take care,” Miranda said before walking out the restaurant.

Jodie’s mouth still agape, she looked around at the other diners, still engrossed in their meals and conversation.

****

“Oh yeah?” Jodie’s husband Mike said later that evening as they both got ready for bed. “You met up with Miranda for lunch today, right? How was it?”

Jodie took a deep breath. “Strange,” she exhaled.

“Strange? How so?” he asked.

“Honestly… I don’t even know.”