I am Lucy Lovell

Today

My therapist Janice looks at me, tapping her pen on her notepad. We’re talking about how I was recently dragged into a serious fraud investigation, and how it was my own compulsive urge to lie that got me there.

‘I started lying as a kid… I had just moved to yet another new school. Military life was hard, my dad’s job meant we moved around as a family all the time. I was never in the same school long enough to make any real friends, and I hated moving around all of the time. I had no say in it and it made me so angry. Other kids thought it was weird when I told them that I moved around often and they started to make up lies about me - that my family was on the run, that I was in witness protection, that I kept getting kicked out of every school I’d ever been to because I was a bad kid - I think I just got sick of hearing all of the different rumours about me and I decided if I couldn’t stop them I’d at least have some fun with it. So I decided to make up my own lies, just to see what they’d believe... I started to lie about everything, random things, for no reason other than to see if people would believe me... and they did. I was a really good liar... I could always remember what I’d said and who I’d said it to... and yeah, I came across one or two kids who were too bright to fall for it and suspected that I was lying, but I enjoyed the rush, I couldn’t stop. Then I started to steal too… just little things... sometimes just to see if they’d notice. I enjoyed the feeling of outsmarting people. I remember one kid asked me, really suspiciously… So, what is Nicki even short for?... It’s short for Veronica, but I told her it was Nicole. I started to enjoy playing a mysterious character, of being unknown, and then vanishing. I could be anyone I wanted to be and no one would be any the wiser. I laughed at how gullible they were and I didn’t learn my lesson because no one ever found out. Then, I suppose I just grew out of it, I had no desire to deceive or steal anymore, or so I thought, until I met Aidan…’

*

I am on the way to a friend’s wedding, which has so far involved getting a taxi to the train station through heavy traffic. Now I am standing on the platform, getting ready to begin a three hour train journey. I am laden with bags and suitcases and I am not in the mood to celebrate anything. My boyfriend and I had a huge argument before I left. He was supposed to be here with me right now but I told him I didn’t want him to come. He didn’t try to change my mind or offer me a lift to the station. The train is due soon and it is pouring down rain. I’m doing my best to keep myself dry by burying my head in my hooded jacket. I’m still flustered because of the rush and all I can think about is how hungry I am. I cram a sandwich I brought for the journey into my mouth and throw the empty wrapper into the bin. My silver bracelet goes with it.

‘Oh shit!’ I shout.

Several people turn to look at me and gawp. It looks like I’m going in with my bare hands to retrieve it. I sink my hands deep into the bin, I have a huge suitcase on wheels and bags gathered around my feet, my hair is wild, I am quite a spectacle to behold. Luckily, there’s not much in the bin except a few empty cans, McDonald’s wrappers and... a bank card. How does a person accidentally throw out their bank card? I think back to a few months ago when I accidentally put my phone in the fridge along with the milk and try not to criticise too harshly. People do stupid things sometimes. I take it out and look at it. There is probably someone, somewhere searching for this and having a terrible day. I’ll hang on to it and return it to the bank, just in case it gets into the wrong hands. I put it in my purse, and fish out my silver bracelet with seconds to spare as the train pulls into the station. I clamber onto the train with all of my stuff and make my way to the tiny bathroom onboard to scrub my hands clean. I catch sight of myself, straighten my hair and wipe my smudged make up from under my eyes. The train moves with a jolt and I go and take my seat. There is a man sitting in my seat reading a book. I stand next to him silently, waiting.

‘Do you want the aisle seat?’

‘It’s fine, you can have it. I’m not getting off until the last stop anyway’

‘Me too’ He smiles.

A while later, the refreshments trolley trundles along the aisle. I lunge across the man next to me in the aisle seat to flag it down and order a coffee. I scramble around looking for my purse; let this be a lesson in not throwing things haphazardly into your bag. I tap the card on the machine and it makes a harsh beeping sound. The man takes the card and looks at it appraisingly. 

‘Sorry - Miss Lovell - your card has been declined’

Confusion is clouding my brain. My name is Nicki Gordon, who the- Oh God. I’ve used the card I’ve just found on the platform.

What a day, I mutter under my breath.

To save my embarrassment, and possible criminal charges, I put some money into the man’s hand and he hands me my coffee. The whole exchange happens inches in front of the man’s face sitting next to me. The attendant gives me my change awkwardly and I drop it, watching it land in the man’s lap next to me, between his legs. I can’t go in after it with my bare hands.

‘Oh shit!’ I shout again and clasp my hands over my face. The attendant trundles off, muttering a half-hearted apology. The man next to me looks at me, a little startled. I can see he’s concealing a smirk as he fishes the coins out from under him and hands me my change.

‘Is everything okay, Miss Lovell?’ he asks.

‘Yes - I’m so sorry’ I say, wondering if I can explain myself and correct him. He’s so nice about it that I can’t help but warm to him. I comment on the book he’s reading; it had great reviews and it’s one of my favourites. He agrees. I didn’t plan on talking to anyone on this journey but my phone battery is at fifty per cent. Maybe a chat would be a nice way to pass the time.

‘So, what’s your first name, or do you want me to call you Miss Lovell?’

Now would be a good time to try and explain myself. That I am Nicki Gordon, not Lucy Lovell. But he has those kind eyes, and I’m stuck next to him on the train for the next three hours. And how would I even explain that I just accidentally tried to use a perfect strangers card? Maybe I can just try to avoid it.

‘You want my first name? Are you planning to Facebook stalk me?’ I elbow him gently.

He grins, showing a perfect set of teeth, ‘Miss Lovell, I promise, after this train journey you’ll never see or hear from me again’

I get the urge that I felt as a kid bubbling up inside. I’d entertained myself for hours this way in the past. I was being presented with an opportunity to lie and get away with it. Old habits die hard. After this train journey we’ll never see each other again. No harm done.

‘Lucy Lovell’ I say, offering my hand. ‘And yours?’

‘Mr Jackson’ he shakes my hand and I give him a look, waiting for him to continue.

He grins again, ‘Aidan Jackson’

Damn that smile. The train shudders along the track and we are lost in our conversation. Before I know it, it’s two hours later and we’re at our stop. When we depart, I find out that we’re both heading in the same direction towards our hotels. Aidan suggests we share a taxi. I feel my heart pounding in my chest. So much for never seeing him again after the train journey, now he knows where I’m staying. This really is bad news. You see, I had just made up a whole story about Lucy - she runs her own successful business and she’s on her way to a meeting with a huge new client, she’s 28 (At 34 I’m pushing my luck, but whatever, he believed me), she’s single. I feel relief wash over me when I find out that he’s not staying at the same hotel as me. I get out of the taxi and wave goodbye to Aidan Jackson.

*

I’m hiding in a low-lit corner of a bar a few streets away from my hotel. I needed a walk to give me time to think about the argument I had with Chris before I left this morning. I sip a glass of wine, replaying it in my mind. He’s getting close to a new female colleague, he talks about her all the time. At first it didn’t bother me that he’d made a new friend at work, but he’s been working late a lot recently and I found out that he’s been texting her. It’s made me wonder how close they’re getting. He swears there’s nothing going on but the warning signs are all there and I can’t ignore them anymore. I must look deep in thought, because I hear a voice I recognise behind me, ‘Is everything okay, Miss Lovell?’

Aidan is standing behind me holding a glass of whisky. My heart drops like a stone. He sits down and we start talking again. I’m frantically recalling all of the lies I told him. He tells me he’s staying in the hotel across the street. We start drinking, we talk some more, and drink, and laugh. Now we’re kissing. I know I’m in too deep but I’m enjoying the thrill. I can’t resist the excitement of the real me being unknown, of being someone else. I’m lying and getting away with it again. Old habits really do die hard.

In the early hours of the morning in the darkness of my hotel room, as I dig my nails into his back, feeling his warm, unfamiliar naked body against mine, I listen to him saying my name... Lucy. I am Lucy Lovell.

I wake up the next morning when my alarm goes off at 7AM. I slam the snooze button. Aidan is still sleeping. I dress silently and feel around the floor to pick up my shoes and bag. I creep towards the door. I need to get downstairs and get a taxi back to my hotel but I know I don’t have any money on me. I turned my phone off to save the little battery I had so I can’t call an Uber and I spent the last of my cash on the train. I see his wallet lying on the floor next to his jeans. I can’t be late for this wedding. This is wrong. Fourteen year old me wouldn’t have thought twice. I’ve gone way too far, I can’t take money out of his wallet… but maybe Lucy could? I pick it up, he stir and rolls onto his back, mumbling something. I panic and shove his whole wallet in my bag, ducking down at the foot of the bed. I hear him snoring again and creep out of the hotel room silently, stealthily. Like I was never there. I’ll leave his wallet at the front desk when I’ve got what I need. He’s a nice guy, he would’ve paid for my taxi anyway, I tell myself.

I turn my phone on as I head downstairs. I’m expecting it to switch off almost immediately but it rings within ten seconds. It’s Chris.

‘Hello’ I say, as calmly as I can. 

‘Nic! I tried calling you last night. I knew you had to be up early for the wedding. I was worried sick, why the hell did you turn your phone off?’

I feel sickness rising in my throat. Maybe it’s the guilt, maybe it’s the alcohol. My head is pounding.

‘I’m sorry, I just crashed in the hotel room… the journey was a nightmare’

I walk out into the street and put my hand up, a taxi stops in front of me.

‘Okay, I’ve got to go. Bye.’

I get a text immediately after I hang up.

‘I’m sorry about how we left things before you left. Please call me today when you get a minute xx’

When I get to my hotel I realise that I still have Aidan’s wallet in my bag. Chris distracted me, that’s not my fault. I’ll get the wallet back to Aidan somehow, but not before he notices it’s gone. I have no time to think about that now. Bridesmaids need to be at the salon, to be ready for hair and make up in a couple of hours.

I enter the church and I’m walking down the aisle. Leona’s fiancee Jonathan is beaming. I catch sight of one of the guests to my left. Aidan. I look at him, my eyes widen in panic, I want to run in the opposite direction out of the church. He is glaring at me now. We sit through the entire ceremony and I feel his eyes burning into me. Afterwards, I find out that he’s already reported to the police that he’s been robbed and when he called my hotel, there was no one by the name of Lucy Lovell staying there.

The name flags up because Lucy Lovell had reported her cards stolen and police believe the person responsible could also be responsible for other cases of identity fraud. Lucy Lovell told police that she’d been alerted when her card was used to buy a train ticket. The card had been thrown away because it had been cancelled. Police looked at CCTV and people on board the train reported a woman acting strangely on the platform, possibly homeless.

The thought didn’t even cross my mind when Aidan said he was there for a wedding. He told me his friend Nate was getting married. We’ve always called Leona’s fiancee Jonathan. It turns out that his very close friends call him Nate for some bizarre reason. Since when is that even short for Jonathan? I can’t talk, I know. 

I suppose you can call it karma. Aidan asked the police to drop the charges after I’d explained everything. Police eventually found the person responsible for all of the fraudulent transactions and I was let go entirely. Thank God. But not before my personal belongings were seized during the investigation, along with Aidan’s wallet and Lucy’s bank card. It took a lot of explaining to the police and to my boyfriend (ex, actually).

Today

‘Sometimes, people lie to help them feel like they’re in control. Maybe you started lying because you had such an unsettled life as a child?’ 

I consider it for a moment. Maybe she’s right. I think the only thing I can do to make amends now is to try and fully understand why I’ve lied so much throughout my life. At the very least, while it wasn’t the first time, it’ll definitely be the last.