unseen

"WHASSUP!"

A heavy arm was thrown on my shoulders from behind. I hardly flinched. Though my anxiety was through the roof, I simply sat there waiting for the unexpected face to make its way into my peripheral. But as this thought flashed through my mind, I heard a cacophony of familiar laughter.

"Heyyy there Jessie! Haha I didn't mean to paralyze you!"

I looked up from my textbook to see a pair of familiar eyes squinting in ecstasy from behind a pair of not-so-familiar glasses. He tried to continue but was interrupted by another burst of his own laughter.

"But, somehow I think I did kinda want to scare the heck out of you." Another guffaw. "Well, well. How're you doin'? It's been a minute!"

I slowly grabbed my green highlighter and placed it in my chemistry lab book. Then I carefully closed the book and smoothed the back cover with my palm, gripping the spine with my other hand. I sat, and he stood in silence. It seemed like forever, because he still kept his heavy arm awkwardly draped around my neck.

"Whatsa matter, Jessie? You good? You seem kinda quiet." He set his free hand down on the lab workstation table, quite close to the textbook I was clutching. His other hand was still slung around my neck. "Snap out of it!” he said playfully, but with a wince. “We still friends, right?"

"Get your arm off me, please." I don't think he had a chance to pronounce the "t" in "right." Calmly, I began to lean forward in attempt to shrug his arm off my shoulders.

“Whatever you like.” This time, he couldn’t hide that small squeaky crack in his voice.

He lifted his arm and swiftly tucked both hands into his oversized hoodie. Pivoting on his heel, his tennis shoes screeched on the slick classroom floor. In wide steps with straight legs, he meandered away from me with his head down. This lasted for who knows how long.

"So why're you alone in class?" He broke the silence.

I used my default social coping mechanism: pretend like I didn't hear. I had opened my textbook again and started to read so I had a valid excuse.

He took a couple more steps, much more sluggish than when he literally bolted from my table. His head was still bowed and he started to mumble to himself.

He murmured: "Dude, what's wrong? I remember you when we. . ."

"No . . ." I drew out the word, long but quiet. I felt like I was suffocated.

"May you please leave me alone?" I asked, while jitters started creeping down my arms.

"Sure!" His tone changed completely. "Dude I was just coming in to grab the teacher's handouts and clean up some stuff. Nice seeing you, Jess!" He walked across to the other side of the classroom where the exit door was. It was a glass door which opened to the sidewalk. He deftly grabbed the handle and exited, perky as ever.

*********

I don't know why, but I felt a heavy load on my shoulders all evening. Trudging up the stairs with my always-heavy backpack, I pulled the dorm room key from my pocket. Once I finally remembered what my room number was, I fumbled with the doorknob while someone from the inside was trying to open it for me. Girls' laughter exploded as soon as they saw the "intruder." My heart felt like it hurtled out of my chest.

"Awww, Jessie! You missed out on all the fun!"

"Seriously! Like for real."

I gingerly stepped over my roommates' sleeping bags, paper plates, and loose sheets of paper that were scattered all over the floor, right in doorway. With a heave, I slung my backpack off my shoulder onto my bunk and flopped on the mattress.

"You're so late today, Jessie! You literally study all the time. Did you see what time it is? It's midnight! You almost missed curfew!"

"I've been studying in the lab," I said. "I don't like studying with others around 'cause I get distracted."

"You don't like studying with us!? We're all literally in the same chemistry class right now so we should study together!"

"Adalyn, I didn't say I don't like studying with you guys, I just get distracted easily when I study with others."

"Aww no worries! But it's fun to study together sometimes," Adalyn said, shoving a handful of mini pretzels in her mouth. "Hey Mia, you want some?" Adalyn grabbed the snacks, and the two girls rolled back into their sleeping bags, lying on their stomachs and propping themselves on pillows so they could watch videos on one of their phones. I was so exhausted that the noise didn't bother me.

*********

"Do you know Michael?" In a haze of waking and sleeping, I struggled to answer the question, but no words came out.

"YES! Isn't he like the best!"

I struggled to speak.

"He's the new tutor for chemistry AND physics, isn't that so cool?"

"Yeah he's super cool. But I think its his looks that make him cool."

Giggling. My stomach and brain became a sloshing sea.

"And the way he treats the girls! Haven't you noticed? He is so cute and flirty, but not in a bad way. He is so kind, he does everything for everybody, not just the girls."

"I knowww, right?! I think he's trying to show us he's available!"

More giggling.

"He's literally everyone's friend on campus. I've even had a secret crush on him since the beginning of this semester."

"Aww me too! It's not too serious, though." Even more laughing. "I think he likes you more so you should have him."

"We're literally acting like highschoolers--more like middle schoolers."

The laughing was a part of my dream now.

"No. . . ."

*********

It seemed like an eon that I was asleep, but I was rudely awakened by a burst of laughter.

"I think Jessie is having a nightmare! This is hilarious!"

"What is she doing with her shoulders?"

Finally awake, feeling just as physically exhausted as I did when I fell asleep, I realized what my roommates were laughing about. A surge of adrenaline went through my body.

"What did I say?" I said, pretending not to care.

"Nothing, you were just shrugging your shoulders a lot and then we heard you say 'no,'" Mia said, with much less excitement than before. The joke was over, and she picked up on my body language.

"But you said 'no' for a long time," snickered Adalyn, "That's what made it so funny."

*********

I'm not one to blub at people with all my problems. However, my brain--overheated and seething like an old computer--was incapable of holding it all in. Next morning, I went to my chemistry professor. My whole body was shaking. The story came out: how Michael and I were friends in high school, how he thought I wanted to be his girlfriend, how I was traumatized by his unsolicited touching and staring, and how that climactically resulted in physical and verbal threats which were just tame enough so that no one knew about them. Also, I mentioned that everyone I knew still thought we were friends, including himself.

"So that's it. I can't be alone with him. I feel really unsafe around him, and that's why I came to this school in the first place."

"Did you think he was not going to attend the same college?"

"Absolutely. I actually heard he wanted to go to LA, so I figured we wouldn't run into each other in Sacramento."

The whole time I was telling my story, my professor was nodding and listening, but had not said a word. I did not know what to think. Being very self-conscious, I hoped she agreed with the action I was taking. After her question, she remained silent a short time, which made me even more nervous. Then she winced.

"Actually. . ." she paused. "He is a close family friend of mine. We have known each other for a long time, and my sons are his best friends."

"That's cool," I said. Ugh I feel bad now that I spoke up.

"He is just a very awkward man. He needs to grow up, and I'll tell him that! He is the nicest guy and would never hurt a fly, I know you know that! He just doesn't know how to treat relationships yet. I am definitely not condoning what he did. He needs to change. But I hope that you both can still get along!"

We had a good conversation. I was reminded that all people are essentially good. I nodded. I was told that she would not allow him to talk to me this semester, but that I should also be open to talking to him and forgiving him next semester. I nodded. She said he was just teasing. I nodded.

I left her office, after she gave me a hug and jokingly pulled at my jacket sleeve.

"No. . ." I whispered under my breath, so quietly that I hardly heard myself.