Are you there, God? I'm questioning everything.

Are you there, God? It’s me, Lizzie, the girl questioning everything she thought she knew. You certainly love to throw curveballs and challenge people, don’t you, God? I’ve always done everything I was taught throughout childhood, been the girl I thought I should be. And now, because of one person, one moment, one kiss, I don’t know who I am anymore.

My life was still normal until that fateful day in August, when I moved into my college dorm. When I first arrived, my roommate hadn’t gotten there yet, so I had my pick of the two bedrooms. I chose the one that let in the most sunlight. I always wanted to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. Even more so now that I was going to a college in beautiful, sunny Florida. I was just finishing making my bed when I heard a commotion out in the living room.

“Hello? Is my new roomie here?! Come on out, I want to meet you!” The voice calling out was bubbly, full of energy. I walked out to see a petite brunette with stunning blue eyes standing in the middle of the room. “Hi, you must be Maya. I’m Elizabeth. Or Liz. Or Lizzie. I’ll answer to whatever.” The words came out in a rush. I wasn’t sure why I was having word vomit. I never talked this much.

Regardless of my babble, the girl laughed. “Yeah, that’s me, I’m Maya. I’ll call you Lizzie, if you don’t mind. Reminds me of my favorite t.v. show growing up, Lizzie McGuire. I have SUCH a crush on Hillary Duff. It’s nice to meet you! So, I guess that’s my room down there?” She asked, pointing to the room at the end of the hall. I nodded. She pranced down to her room, duffel bags in hand. I was still reeling from her energy. She was like the human equivalent of Red Bull. And did she just say she had a crush, like an actual crush, on another girl? I didn’t know how to feel about that. I had a very intense Christian upbringing in a very small town. No one where I was from was gay. If they were, we didn’t know about it.

I decided to follow her to try to make small talk and get to know her. After all, we were going to be spending the next year living together. I wanted to be able to get along. “So, tell me about you! Not like the general basic stuff that was on our roommate survey, like tell me the personal stuff about you. Are you seeing anyone?” Maya looked over at me as she dumped the contents of her duffel bags on her bed. I laughed sarcastically. “No. Definitely not seeing anyone.” “Ooh, touchy subject? Just go through a break up? I’m sorry if I brought up bad memories or anything. I just went through a break up myself around the beginning of the year, so I get it,” she said, sympathizing. “No, no, nothing like that. I, uh…I’ve never had a boyfriend.”

She stopped dead in her tracks and stared at me, mouth open. “Wait, did you have like a girlfriend, at least? Or been on at least one date before?” “No, I’m definitely straight, and I’ve never been on a date. No one in my town just…appealed to me. I’ve always been content with my books.” “Hey, no judgement, that’s cool and all! It’s just surprising. So you’ve never had a kiss or anything?” I just stared at her. “Um. Can we change the subject?” I asked, feeling really uncomfortable.

“Oh, sure, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel any type of way.” Maya walked over and wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug. I found myself leaning into her, enjoying the loving feeling her hug gave. I pulled back quickly, not used to this type of affection. I cleared my throat. “No, it’s okay. I just don’t really like talking about this stuff. So what are you majoring in again?” I asked, desperate to find a subject I could relate to her on. “Oh, criminal justice and forensics. I want to essentially be like Abby from NCIS.” I was shocked. She seemed like such a girly girl, I didn’t expect her to pick something that would be dealing with a lot of bodily fluids. “You’re majoring in English, right? What is your dream job?” I blushed. “You’re going to think I’m such a nerd.” “Okay, first of all, no, I won’t. Second of all, girl, do not be shy about who you are. Own your so-called nerdiness!” I couldn’t help but smile. “Nerdiness? That’s not a word, weirdo.” She rolled her eyes and laughed. “Just tell me!” I sighed. “Honestly, I would love to be in publishing. I can’t imagine anything better than getting paid to read and help people who aspire to be authors get their work into the world.”

Maya stared at me in wonder. “Lizzie. That is bad-ass. You want to do something that could change people’s lives.” Suddenly, I heard a grumbling and realized it was coming from my stomach. I hadn’t eaten all day. “I feel it, girl, I’m starving. Wanna go get something to eat?” she asked. “Um, yeah, that sounds good. I heard about this diner a couple of blocks over that’s supposed to be cheap and have good food.” “Cool! Let me just change real quick.” Maya stripped down in front of me, down to her bra and underwear. I found myself staring at her. She was curvy in all the right places, and her underclothes fit her perfectly. No gaps, no rolling underwear line. She had on a really pretty blue lace set that matched her eyes. I felt super self-conscious of myself, knowing I could definitely stand to lose a few pounds.

Despite the insecurity, I also felt my pulse quicken. What was happening? Was I just nervous about being in the presence of someone so gorgeous? I tried to pull myself together as she walked back out, now wearing a cute pale pink flowy crop top that accentuated her tan skin and high rise denim shorts. “Wow. Your outfit is super adorable,” I told her. I was jealous of people who had style like this. “You like it? I have a similar shirt if you want to try it on! I bought it because the store was having a buy two get one free sale, but I’m not crazy about the color on me. But it would look super good on you!” I laughed nervously. “No, I’m good, thanks, there’s no way I could pull off something like that.” Maya rolled her eyes, grabbed my hand, and dragged me to her room. When she let go, I felt mildly disappointed. I enjoyed the feel of her hand in mine. It was comforting. This was weird. I wasn’t used to such affection. My parents definitely weren’t the types to give lots of hugs or anything. I don’t think I’d even seen my parents kiss, to be honest.

“Just try this on. I promise you, wear this with some dark denim, and let your hair down, you will be amazed at how good you look.” She handed me a burgundy version of the shirt she had on, then walked behind me to rummage through a shower caddy. I changed shirts as quickly as I could, then walked to my room to find my black denim shorts. They were high rise, much like Maya’s. I put them on, and hesitantly walked back to her room. “Oh, my god, Lizzie! You look stunning! Just let me fix your hair real quick.” She walked over and pulled the clip out of my hair, letting it fan over my shoulders. She delicately brushed the tangles out, then added some styling foam and scrunched my hair to make it wavy. She sprayed hair spray, then turned me around to face her. “Perfect. You look incredible. You’ll have a boyfriend in no time!” As she put products away, I looked in her full length mirror. I was shocked. She was right. I didn’t recognize myself. I never would have dared wear something like this back home. The shorts would have been scandalous enough, being just at fingertip length. But this much skin showing was new for me, and I was surprised how much I liked it.

“Hey, come here! Take a selfie with me for Snapchat!” Maya pulled me into the frame of the camera on her iPhone, threw her arm around me, and pursed her lips. I started laughing and she snapped the picture. “Girl, seriously, you are so gorgeous, I’m jealous. Forget the boys, I may just steal you all for myself!” she exclaimed. I blushed, enjoying her praise. She linked her arm with mine and we walked out of our dorm. Hours later, after eating and exploring the town a little, I was getting tired, and was just about ready to ask her if we could head back, when she pulled me over to a sign. “Oh, my god, look! This looks so cool!” She squealed, pointing to an ad for a trolley ghost tour of the town. “I don’t know, Maya, I don’t really believe in that stuff. And it’s getting late.” “Lizzie. Come on. We’re in a new town, classes don’t start for another week, and it’ll be fun. If nothing else, we see more of the town and hear some cool stories for entertainment, even if you don’t believe in it.” I hesitated, already hearing my mother’s voice in my head, telling me that this was leading down a road to devil worshipping.

I was about to say no when Maya clasped her hands together and stuck her lower lip out, pouting. “Please?” she begged. I sighed. “Okay. What the heck, why not?” She jumped up and down and hugged me tight. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” We bought our tickets and got on the trolley when it pulled up. There wasn’t too many people on the tour, surprisingly. The tour guide mentioned that most people preferred to do the one that was later on at night, so there was a better chance of “experiencing paranormal activity.” I rolled my eyes at that, but Maya was having fun, so I kept my mouth shut. There were a couple of places we went where we were allowed to get out and walk around, such as the cemetery. “Come on, let’s go check out the gravestones!” Maya pulled me onto the grounds. Instantly, I was surrounded by that creepy, “I’m being watched” feeling, which I’m sure was caused by the trees with their low hanging branches covered in Spanish moss, and the fact that it was pitch black.

I found myself reaching for Maya’s hand, and she grasped mine tightly. We walked like that for a few minutes until the tour guide called everyone back. “Come over here for a second,” Maya said, pulling me over to one of the trees. She pushed aside some of the branches and led me into a spot where they were falling all around us, concealing us from the sight of everyone else. “I feel like I’m in Pocahontas, talking to Grandmother Willow,” I said, running my fingertips along the moss and leaves. “It’s magical, isn’t it?” Maya asked quietly. “Yeah, it really is. Thank you for making me do this.” “Do what?” “You know, go outside my comfort zone, go on a ghost tour, walk in a cemetery at night. I never would have experienced this beautiful place without you.” I smiled at her.

She smiled back, but it was a different smile, almost sad. “Are you okay?” I asked her, leaning against the trunk of the tree. I had only known her a few hours, but I already felt such a connection to her, and was concerned for her wellbeing. I didn’t want her to be sad, or upset, ever. Her smile and laughter was contagious, and I loved it. “There’s something I want to do, but I don’t want to upset you or freak you out, or make you uncomfortable.” I bit my lip. “Okay, what is it?” She hesitated before standing directly in front of me, her eyes meeting mine, searching for something. She put her hand gently on the side of my face. “Elizabeth…I know you said you were straight. But from the second I’ve met you, I can’t take my eyes off of you, and I care for you so much already, almost like I’ve known you my whole life. You’re so sweet, so smart, so fun. And I really, really want to kiss you.”

I felt my heart jump into my throat. I had never been kissed, much less been kissed by another girl. Everything I had been raised to believe told me this was wrong. That it was a sin. A huge sin. I knew there was no way I could make myself say the words. But I knew what I was feeling. In the course of one day, this amazing woman made me feel things I didn’t know were possible. The idea of her plump, pink lips pressing on mine suddenly made me very excited. “Is it okay if I…?” Maya asked, leaning in slowly. I nodded, my breathing getting heavy. “Are you sure?” She asked permission again. I knew she was probably scared out of her mind, afraid I would judge her or suddenly change my mind. But I knew at this point there was no going back.

I made myself speak. “Kiss me.” She still had one hand on my face, and carefully wrapped the other around my waist, pulling me closer to her. She slowly, almost torturously so, placed her lips on mine. The second she did, I felt myself come alive. I wrapped my arms around her neck, urging her to kiss me deeper. She ran her tongue against my lips, asking permission without speaking. I opened my mouth, and her tongue met mine, intertwining. Fireworks were going off behind my closed eyelids. She pulled away slowly, looking at me cautiously.

“Wow. I…wow.” “Are you okay?” Maya asked hesitantly. I blushed. Somehow in the darkness, she saw it. “What is it? You know you can tell me anything. I did just French you, after all,” she teased, making light of the situation. “Um. I never knew that my first kiss would feel like that. Or that it would be with a girl. But…honestly? I want more.” Those last three words suddenly made me want to cry. I knew I couldn’t in front of Maya though. For now, she planted a small kiss on my lips and we made our way back.

When we got back to the dorm, Maya went to take a shower, and I knew that this was my moment to let my emotions out. I sobbed heavily. I knew in my heart that this was the reason I never accepted invitations to go on dates with boys in high school. This was the reason why I never felt comfortable believing the things my parents did. This was the reason why I felt the need to move 18 hours away from my hometown. The freedom to be who I really was. But I was also questioning everything. How did 6 hours with one girl, and one kiss from that one girl, change my entire life? Did I still believe in you, God? Was I going to actually be condemned to Hell for feeling something I couldn’t control?

I was still mulling over all of this, still crying, when Maya came back in. “Do you regret it?” She asked softly. I shook my head. “No. I’m not crying over what happened, not really. I’m crying because…I don’t know who I am now. I don’t know what I believe.” Maya sat on my bed and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. “This doesn’t change who you are. You’re still the same person. You just….like kissing girls.” I shook my head. “I like kissing YOU.” She smiled and laughed softly.

“As far as your beliefs go…look, we friended each other on Facebook two weeks before we met, trying to learn about the person we would be rooming with. I saw your pictures, of you being baptized, of your youth group trips, how involved with the church your family is. I get it. I used to go to a church just like that when I was younger. But once I hit my teens, and knew that I wasn’t interested in boys, I also knew that if I told my family, I would not be accepted. My ex-girlfriend introduced me to her church, which was much more accepting, but it still wasn’t for me. I personally don’t believe that God is the judgmental being that Christianity makes Him out to be. I believe that when they say we’re made in His image, that means everyone. Gay, bi, straight, pan, transgender. If that wasn’t true, if homosexuality really was a sin, then why would we be attracted to who we are? We can’t help who we love any more than straight people can. So believe what you feel is right, not what you’re told is right.”

I sighed a heavy breath of relief. She was right. I need to believe what I feel, not what Mom and Dad told me. My life was changed forever now, but that didn’t mean that I, myself, was changed. I just accepted what I should have known long ago. I always believed God brought people into your life for a reason. Meeting Maya has proven that. So thanks, God. Thanks a lot.