Listen Back

Warning: Mental health and abuse

Ever think back to that one situation, that one situation that looms in the back of your head your entire life that makes you think “What if?” everyone has one, for me it is the day I got on that bus. Oh, how I wish I could go back and stop myself from leaving, from running away from my life again. I wish I could turn back time, but I can’t. I put on the headphones and begin to listen back to the recording of the night before that fateful bus ride two years ago:

“Hello, hello is this thing working?” my younger voice asked aloud.

“You know it can’t respond to you, right?” Jay’s voice mocked jokingly.

“This is so stupid!” Kris rolling his eyes could be heard in the recording. “Why are we doing this again?”

“It’s for school: Record messages to your future self by asking questions about how their life and make predictions for the future,” past me explained.

“But why do we have to do this with you?” Kris grounded.

Jay pushed Kris's feet off of the table saying, “Because we said we would help *audio cuts out for a second* with her homework.”

“Okay question one: What day is it for you in the present say the data at the beginning of each recording? Alright, today is October seventh-”

That is a little too far back. I click the fast forward button, let us see that should be about right:

“Hello, future me, today’s date is March twenty-eighth  *The audio cuts out for a second* it has been a while. Dad, Jay, and Kris have been busy lately, so we haven’t been able to do anything as a family, but tonight I have a surprise for them: I made dinner, picked all of their favorite movies, and got out the board games; I bring back family fun night. They said that they would all be home by eight and it is five til now so any minute now-

Not that either, can I please, just get to the right place this time?:

“They missed all of the performances of my last show, I bought them tickets for all of them and marked all the dates on calendars around the house, I even reminded them about each day a hundred times at least. Closing night was tonight and they did not even show up to pick me up. The worst part is that today is my eighteenth birthday; all three of them didn’t even remember. I think I am done with this house. I don’t want to be the afterthought anymore.”

Oh, come on! Still too far back! Let me try this again:

“The date is June twenty-ninth *audio static*, and that makes it about one year and seven months since my last audio message; let me see, I am currently working at a small dinner right now, living in *the audio cuts out* city, I have an apartment, and-” *dingdong* I hear is the background past me getting off the couch and answering the door.

“Good evening, sorry for bothering you, but is this the home of *the audio crackles*,” the voice of Joe can be heard.

“Yes, that’s me. How may I help you?” past me replies sweetly.

“You left your purse at the coffee shop that’s down the street this morning. And I’ve been trying to find you all day to return it to you all day. You are a hard person to find.”

“Thank you so much I’ve been looking everywhere for that, sorry for the trouble Mr?”

“I’m Joe *audio static*, and it was my pleasure, but if you want to-”

Nope! Nope! Nope! Ten million times Nope! I am not reliving that again! Skip! Skip! Skip!:

“Hi! It is September fourth *and the sound cuts out* and I have great news. So me and Joe have been dating for a few months and I am jumping out of my skin because of how much I am in love with him. He is so charming, and handsome, and is just so sweet to me. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-”

How did I screech at a frequency only dogs should hear?

“Today is the best day of my life! Joe and I are getting married today I can’t wait for us to start our lives together.

That is a dame lie, why did I believe that?

“I don’t know what to do, I made Joe mad and he well *audio cuts out*, I mean it was my fault. this is just us having a little rough patch.”

No past me, that is a five hundred red flags and you need therapy that you will not get for over seven years.

“I can’t anymore I feel *a long period of static mixed with crying* I need help, will someone please help me?! Anyone, please.”

No one will come.

“I leaving and I am not coming back this time. Common Mixly we got to go.”

Point past me, and I miss that dog.

“Hi me, the divorce and restraining order is finalized and I feel like I can finally breathe. I need time to figure myself out.”

Skip forward. It will take time.

“Hi again, I meet someone and I am taking it slow this time just seeing where this goes.”

Who boy! Time for me to do the heart-breaking this time I am so sorry Reuben.

 “So question, is it wrong to be with someone who loves you ten times more than you love them?”

No, it is not for the love of-

“Today me and Reuben are getting married and I am sure I can learn to love him more than I do know.”

That is a lie! Why do I just keep lying to myself!? Oh yeah past me still has not gotten therapy.:

I hear a loud sob, “I am so sorry, Reuben, I just don’t love you the way you love me I am so sorry for everything.”

It gets better:

Over a loudspeaker at the bus stop: One-way trip to X city, “It is time for me to leave everything behind again I-”

“Is this set taken?” Greg asks.

“It's a public bus, is not?”

“Thanks, what is that,” he points to the recorder.-

Finally the last day, I wondered what would happen if I changed what I did. But after listening back I think I am done wishing I could turn back the clock.