Mistakes

Do I regret it?  Of course I do, but I can’t go back now.  I made a mistake.  I had a small lapse in judgement and then it spiraled.  But what was I supposed to do, it was an impossible situation.  But first let's go back to the beginning.  The very beginning. 

It was a warm summer night.  The middle of august to be exact.  The summer was coming to an end, and I was just trying to enjoy the little time I had left.  It was my last day down at the beach for the summer and I really wanted to make the most of it.  So my friends and I decided to go to a party, a last hoorah of sorts.  Was it a good idea probably not, but hey it was our last night what could possibly go wrong we thought.  A lot, a lot could go wrong.  

I was terrified.  As crazy as it was to say, I was 19 and hadn’t been to a real party before so I had no idea what I was getting into.  Usually this would be the point where I talked myself out of going, but today was different.  It was our last night, and I promised myself I would make the most of it.  So I decided to stop being so calculated, and conservative.  Decided to just let go, for just a night, and finally live in the moment.  I should’ve never let go.

The party was now about an hour away so we all started to get ready.  I was still nervous, but I was ready.  This was the night.  My night.  The night where I finally let go, and live for once.  So I looked at all the clothes I brought and chose to finally be bold.  Decided to put on the short red dress, I said I would never wear it.  Put on some mascara, and the bold red lip, I said I’d never try.  Put on my friends four inch heels I knew I’d take off within 10 minutes of getting there.  This wasn’t me, but to be fair that was the whole point.  I wanted to be someone else, just for a night.  Tonight happened to be that night and I was ready.  Maybe I should’ve just been myself. 

We left for the party, finally it was here.  I couldn’t even recognize myself, but I looked amazing.  I was the girl I always wanted to be, and for once I was really confident.  Nothing could ruin this night.  Everything was going to be perfect.  Tonight was going to be the best night of my life.  

We finally got there, the house was packed.  A little bit of panic started to set in, but then I saw him.  The cutest boy I’d ever seen before in my life.  Ok maybe I’m exaggerating, but he was gorgeous.  We made eye contact for like a second, but it felt like hours.  Usually I would just forget about it, forget about him.  Figure a guy as cute as him would never be interested in a girl like me, but tonight was different.  I wasn’t going to let him go without at least talking to him. 

So I left my friends, and started walking across the room to find him.  I was 19 and I had never had a real boyfriend so this was certainly not something I had done before.  However tonight was different, I wasn’t really myself so I ignored everything my brain told me.  Ignored every thought that he would laugh in my face and reject me, and just kept walking towards him.

After what felt like the longest walk of my life, probably because of the four inch heels, I finally reached him.  I looked at him, and tried to grab a drink to disguise the fact that I walked across the entire house just to say hi to him.  Then finally I looked over at him for a while and tapped him on the shoulder.  

After what felt like years, he turned around.  He was even cuter face to face.  Gorgeous blue eyes, dirty blond curly hair, beach tan, he was perfect.  He was way out of my league, but tonight I didn’t care.  I had no idea what to say to him, I had never really approached a guy before but I wasn’t really thinking.  I just looked at him and said “Hi I’m Emily”.  A weird thing to say, I guess, but what else was I supposed to say.  I had to say something I didn’t want to look like a stalker, and just stare and say nothing. 

 After a little pause he looked at me and asked “Hi Emily, do I know you from somewhere.  Oh and my name is Cody.”

“No, I don’t know you from anywhere.  I just saw you from across the room and wanted to say hi.” I said.  Why I said this I have no idea but I already said it, so there’s not really any going back now.

“Oh ok.  I saw you when you walked in too.  I was going to walk over to say hi.”  He said.  

“Well you are really cute.”  I said in an extreme moment of word vomit.   “Sorry.  Oh my god, did I really just say that out loud.”  I said panicking.  

He let out a laugh and a quick smile , then continued “Emily do you want to get a drink with me”.  

“Of course.”  I said, still slightly embarrassed.  He was the perfect guy, the guy I always said I wanted but never thought I had a chance with.  To be fair at this moment I still didn’t think I had a chance with him.  I figured he felt bad for me embarrassing myself and was just trying to be nice.  But I was wrong. 

We talked for hours.  Talked about school, friends, where we lived, and a bunch of other little things.  We realized we had a bunch in common, both late July birthdays, both 19, and both runners, among many other similarities.  But if I’m being honest  I could barely remember what we were talking about.  I was just so happy, and in shock that a guy like him was still talking to a girl like me. 

 The hours went by so fast.  People started leaving, but we didn’t notice.  It really felt like it was just us.  There had to have been 200 plus people still at the party, but it felt like it was just him and I.  I started to hear my phone ring, I wanted to ignore it.  But he told me to answer it, so I did.  

It was my friend of course, wondering if I was coming.  I had no intention of leaving so I just told her to go back without me.  I didn’t have a plan, I had no way back to the hotel we were staying at, but I really didn’t care.  I was having the time of my life, talking to the guy of my dreams, and I wasn’t thinking about what came next.  I was living in the moment for the first time in my life, and I was happy.  Really happy, for the first time in months and I wasn’t about to leave.  

Cody obviously heard me talking to them over the phone.  He was right there next to me after all.  So he looked over to me and asked “Is everything ok?”  I have no idea if everything was ok but I had to say something. 

So I said “everything is good I just don’t want this moment to end.”

“Ok it doesn’t have to end.” he said.  I had no idea what he meant when he said this.  But then he continued “Emily, this is my house, you can stay here if you want”.  Of course I wanted to say, but I had no idea if it was a good idea.  Infact I knew it was probably a terrible one.

But for some reason I said “If that’s ok with you, then of course.”

“Of course it’s fine with me we have plenty of space.”  He said, then after a long, slightly awkward pause he continued “Emily I really like you.  You are so sweet, and ….” 

I interrupted him and said “Thanks, you don’t have to say all of this though.  I can leave if you want me to go.”

“And you are incredibly gorgeous”  he said while looking right into my eyes.  I had no idea what to say.  I would’ve thought he was lying any other night, but I don’t know looking into his eyes I knew he meant every word he said.  So as bad of an idea it was I decided to stay there for the night. 

The party was now empty; there were still a couple stragglers in the bedrooms making out and whatever, but it was basically empty.  There was only one bedroom left unoccupied so we went in.  We continued to talk, time was passing by so fast and even the stragglers were gone now, it was just us.  In his super big house, that he had alone with his parents away for the weekend.

He insisted on sleeping on the air mattress on the floor, and letting me sleep on the bed alone.  But this was my last night after so I said “It’s fine, you can sleep here with me.  There’s plenty of room for two of us.”

He agreed saying “Ok, if you are positive this is ok for you.”  A little more time passed and I explained I had nothing else to wear so he gave me a big Shirt to wear.  I changed, took my makeup off, then got back into bed.  I was scared now, I thought that he wouldn’t like me anymore.   I was wrong.  

He looked over at me, seeing I was obviously nervous and said “Emily, you are beautiful.”  We talked for a while longer, it was now getting very late.  It was almost 2am, and he suggested we go to sleep.  Then I did something crazy.   I did something I never thought I would do, not in a million years.  I leaned over and kissed him.  It wasn’t my first kiss, but it had been a while, so I really had no idea what I was doing.  I was scared he didn’t feel the same way, because he froze for a minute, all the fears of not being good enough came rushing back.  But then it happened. 

He looked into my eyes, then shut his and leaned in to kiss me back.  We kissed for a while.  It was great, I was so happy.  I stopped for a minute, told him I had something to tell him.  He said whatever it was it was ok.  So I told him my biggest secret “I’m a virgin.” I whispered, then continued “I’m sorry.”  

He looked at me confused as to why I would ever be sorry about that.  Then said “Emily, It’s ok, we don’t have to do anything.”  He was so understanding.  A little more time passed with talking and I fell asleep. We both fell asleep, cuddling.  It was really the best night of my life.  But every good day has to end.  Plus I was leaving tomorrow so in a moment of clarity I knew this was never going to work out.  But it was ok.  

A lot of time passed.  I thought about him a lot.  I missed him.  But he was gone, gone forever, and finally I was ok with that.  I didn’t regret that night, I knew exactly what I was getting into, but that didn’t make losing him any easier.  Nevertheless I knew he was gone, and I was finally ok, and I never thought I would see him again.  But of course I was wrong. 

She was my best friend, I don’t know if I can say the same today.  She was talking to me about the new guy in her life.  Talking about how perfect he was, how he was everything she ever wanted.  She was so happy, and of course I was happy for her, but up until today I had never met him.  Or so I thought.  Tonight we were all going to go to dinner together so she could finally introduce us.  It was really important she was my best friend, and we were extremely close, and if I didn’t like him she wasn’t sure she could continue seeing him.  Of course I figured I would like him , and even if I didn’t I would never want to ruin her happiness, however I had no idea what came next was coming. 

We got to the restaurant, and began walking towards the table.  She told me he was already there, and I was so excited to meet him, because if someone was making her this happy he really had to be an amazing person.  Looking back I can still say that is very true.  But continuing, I saw him, and to say I almost passed out would be an understatement.  I felt my heart drop, and I started to stumble, I had never been more shocked in my entire life.  

It was him, Cody.  How on earth was he back here, and dating her.  Dating my best friend.  This had to be a dream, this really couldn’t be happening.  She looked over at me and asked if I was ok, I tried to play it off, blame it on the heels, but I had no idea what to do.  I made eye contact with him, his eyes got bigger, he was clearly in shock too, but I still had no idea what he was going to do.  Or what I was going to do honestly.  

So she introduced us, I fought back every urge to tell her I already knew him and just said “Hi, I’m Emily.”  

“Hi Emily, I’m Cody.” He said, clearly confused on how I was here at this exact moment.  I was way too afraid to tell her we knew each other, so I decided to not say anything.  I vowed to never say anything, she was happy, and all I wanted was to see her happy.  But looking back I should’ve just told her then.

This was my first mistake, not telling her.  It wasn’t a huge deal, at the time.  She never had to know, it could’ve been fine.  It should’ve been fine.  But there was just one problem.  I was still in love with him, and love makes people do crazy things.  

I was her best friend so naturally, I was in a group chat with her, Cody, and some other friends.  This was how I got his number, yes I know crazy I didn’t already have it from months ago.  So I didn’t make the first move, he did.  He texted me just saying, Hi innocent enough I thought.  I should’ve never answered him.  But of course I did.  

We started texting a lot, conversation flowed just as good as it did that night.  But I promised myself he would just be a friend.  My best friend was really happy and I didn’t want to ruin her happiness.  But of course I failed. 

We went to a party with me, a couple of my girlfriends, and her and Cody.  Innocent enough I thought.  But for some reason, she felt sick and left for a moment and it was just Cody and I.  I made a mistake.  I had too many drinks, and I messed up.  I can’t say I regret it, and I can’t say I didn’t thoroughly enjoy every second of it, but I made a mistake.  

I kissed him.  My heart was racing, I realized I really screwed up.  But I was still in love with him, and he leaned in, what was I supposed to do.  I opened my eyes, I had no idea what to do, what to feel.  Be happy, be sad, be terrified, I really didn’t know.  But when I turned around, there she was.   Standing right in front of me, she saw everything.

I screwed up.  She was my best friend, and I betrayed her.  I ruined 10 years of friendship, all in one mistake.  I knew this could never be fixed, our relationship was forever tarnished, but I tried to explain myself.  “I, I’m so sorry, I knew him, I knew him before, I’m, I’m, so, so, so sorry.”  I said with tears running down my face.  But I knew nothing I said could fix this.  Cody tried to explain the situation, to no avail, she left crying.  We were all crying.  

If I had the chance to do it all over again would I?  Of course I would, but I can’t promise if I was in the same situation, I wouldn’t make the same mistake.  I might be a terrible person, I might be the villain, but what was I supposed to do.  I lost my best friend because of a stupid guy I knew for one night, but as crazy as it sounds I was in love with him.  And as I’ve learned love makes people do crazy things.