Yes, today was a bad day...

Stumbling out of bed, I made my way to the bathroom. It’s my morning tradition, get up and sludge my way to the mirror to assess my dreary appearance. Gigantic half black circles appeared under my eyes, I felt like the day was dragging on already but I had only been awake for five whole minutes, it felt more like an hour. It was only 6:05am, and I felt like I had a terrible night of sleep. Although, that really wasn’t the case. I’m sure you’ve been there before right? I’m sure you’ve drifted away to what you thought was a peaceful night of sleep but when you woke up you realized you could have stayed in bed so much longer if it were only the weekend. Sure, I might’ve tossed and turned all night but I still got a normal amount of sleep, 8 hours. The thing was, my body doesn’t run on a normal amount of sleep, my body thirsts for more than most. It didn’t matter though, I got my ass out of bed and drudged my way to work. 

With a heavy camera hanging around my neck, I listened to what the client wanted. I swear I listened to every single detail but I didn’t absorb it. “Repeat that again?” “What was it you just said?” “We’re moving on to this,” oh we’ve already talked about that? Alright. I was struggling to move fluently throughout my work. I made my way to get a large steeping cup of coffee, knowing the caffeine would have minimal effect. I drank it anyways though. Heck, I knew nothing would really help motivate my body except making it to tomorrow. I couldn’t escape days like today, no matter how much I wanted to be motivated my body just wouldn’t have it.  

Ughhhh…. back to the office where I listened all day long to clients wants, and needs all day long. I even listened to controversial opinions while biting my tongue when I disagreed. Vaccinate the kids, don’t vaccinate the kids. Support Trump, don’t support Trump. Damn, would these people ever shut up? They think because they are paying you, that you should agree with any statement they make. Which I sort of did, trying not to upset anyone I put on a smile and minimally agreed even if I disagreed. At lunch I grew anxious for no real reason, other than my body betraying me. It was a common thing you see, my body and I have a complicated love-hate relationship but maybe not for the reason you think. I had to fight harder than most to make it through my day for my body has chosen to betray me. It has been this way for the past several years and I’m only in my 20s.

Shoot! I noticed I was running late and I didn’t have time to finish my gluten free lettuce wrap. Zooming through the studio, I made my way outside to great my muse for the next hour. It was freezing outside…well, not really it was 80 degrees out but that didn’t matter to my body. It felt like the first snow, when you go outside wearing no coat at all because you’re just too excited to see the first snowfall that you practically freeze until you decide to run inside and make hot chocolate. This meant my skin was cold to the touch. My fingers felt frozen as I pushed down on the button to snap pictures, while I wondered if people ever thought about what hid behind the camera. 

My name is Tammy, and I hide behind the camera everyday. I get out of bed every morning to come to work, even though I feel so week like I can barely move. I bring jackets everywhere even in the heat of a summer’s day because my body decides to betray me. I struggle every day with anxiety, and depression all because my body chooses to work against me. 

It’s irreversible, the doctors tell me. You can’t change it, it was inevitable they say. Its genetic, I hear. As a snap my pictures I wonder…. SNAP…. can this person relate?…..SNAP….do they have issues gaining, and losing weight like me?…. SNAP…. I wonder, can I spot the signs in someone else?….SNAP! My head spins as it reels with more questions that I’ll never get the answer to.

I sat at my desk with my hands on the table and my head on top, its the first break I’ve had since lunch. I can’t help it, I didn’t mean too but it just sort of happened. My colleges gaze upon me, as they watch my boss wake me up from a restful nap. They giggle because they don’t understand. My body doesn’t function like theirs. My body has a mind of its own, its unique. It doesn’t matter though, no one understands, not even my boss. He lectures me, but I didn’t retain any of what he was saying. Its always been this way, my body started to betray me from such a young age. 

Finally, its time to leave. When I get home, I stair and get lost in a daze while I think about all the things people miss when they look behind the camera. SNAP… the dark circles under my eyes…. SNAP…. the massive goiter on my neck… SNAP the girl behind the camera. Yes, the doctors told me yesterday that it has finally, and permanently failed. My body created antibodies, or little minions, that have attacked my thyroid to the point of no return. I’m only 24, and my thyroid hasn’t worked for close to half my life. The doctors told me, that my thyroid will never work again.

Yes, today was a bad day like many others this week, month, and year. I guess that means its time to see the doctor, and switch the medicine so that my body functions again. SNAP… I’m only 24 and I have Hashimoto’s…SNAP…my body is permanently disabled…SNAP…my name is Tammy. SNAP… And I’m on the other side of the camera.