so what now?

Sitting on the swings, on the playground where everything started. I see him walk towards me from his car, my heart breaks. Not knowing what the future holds is the worst. This conversation has reached a crossroads; either we reconcile or I never see him again.

“Hey.” he says with a thin smile, continuing to sit next to me. 

“Hey.” I returned the expression. “Wanna talk now or just sit here?”

“We should talk.”

“Okay. I’ll start.” I faced him. “I know you’re with her again. Honestly, after the third time I thought I would have some self respect and finally leave you but I can’t bring myself to. You have this power over me that won’t allow me to move on. I shared my fair share of mistakes when I kissed Jared at the party three weeks ago. I’m sorry.”

“You shouldn’t be.” He held my hand. “I deserve that. You had every right.”

“Tell me, are you done with her?” He stayed quiet. “What is it that you like about her so much? Why do you keep coming back to her? What does she have that I don’t?”

“Stop, please.” He let go of my hand. The December weather hit me like a snowball and I hugged myself. “I don’t have any answers for your questions. I don’t know.”

“Bullshit. You always have answers to everything. Why can’t you answer me? It’s so simple.” 

“It’s not as easy as you think.” 

Silence.

“Do you love her?” 

“Stop.”

“Do you?”

Silence.

“I love you…but I also love her.”

Bang. 

Just like that, my heart shattered into a billion pieces.

“How can you do this to me?” My heart crumbles as I ask the question. 

“I don’t have an answer for you.”

“Stop with the excuses. I know you have answers but you won’t tell me because you don’t want to hurt me. But you already did. You took my already broken heart and stepped on it with your spiked boots. So do me a favor and just answer my questions.” 

Silence.

“I’m done with you.” I stood up, ready to go but he grabbed my hand. “Let go of me.” 

“Please. I’ll answer any questions you have. Please stay.” I didn’t wanna look. I knew I would give in. “Please.” 

“You have 10 minutes.”

God, was I in love with this boy who left my heart in ruins. 

“I never thought we’d be here. I didn’t think this is the kind of man I would ever be. I have no excuses for my behavior. I was stupid and selfish. What I did to you is unforgivable-”

“Stop whatever you’re trying to do. Just answer my fucking questions.” 

I need to get out of here.

“I like her because she listens to me. She understands how I feel. She makes me feel equal to her.”

“Excuse me? And what have I been doing the past 4 years?”

“You do the same but you’re so perfect. I always feel like I have to compete with you. You have a stable job, everyone loves you, you’re perfect. You’ve always been the perfect girl but I can’t keep up with you. I’m not equal to you. You have the perfect family, perfect career, perfect friends, perfect you. Meanwhile, I’m a mess. And you always make sure that I know it. I get reminded everyday that I’m just a piece of plastic compared to you.”

“So what, you always just saw our relationship as a competition?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“That’s what you said.”

“See this is what I’m talking about!” He screamed. “You’re always right, I’m always wrong. You’re a fixer upper and I break things. You’re everything and I’m nothing.” His shoulders deflated. “I tried to be happy for your accomplishments and I am, trust me, but I could never catch up to you. I was always in your shadow, even when we’re alone. Everything was led by you. If you’re not happy, I’m not happy. If you’re mad, you’re mad at me and I never know how to fix it. When you’re sad, you want to be alone and I can’t help you. Then she came along and I…I finally felt like I could breathe. I finally knew what love felt like.” m

Silence.

“You were perfect for me.” I held in my tears. “You were my everything, You were the reason I kept going, why I’m so ‘perfect’. You’re the reason why I can achieve my goals. I never wanted you to feel that way. I was encouraging you, I wanted us to be on the same road. All I wanted was to be happy with you. It was supposed to be you and me against the world, against everybody. Yet here we are, competing with each other.” 

Silence.

“I wish I could go back to the day we first met.” I look up at the night sky. “Then I can tell myself not to be fooled by a man who would never care for me.” 

“Don’t say that. I cared about you.”

“I highly doubt that.”

I look at him, tears in my eyes. But he can’t see how much he’s broken me so I kept my guard up. 

“So what now?” 

“You tell me.”

“We’re just too different. She makes me feel seen and I never felt that with you. I wish I could tell you I did but I’m sorry. We were never gonna work out. You had this whole picture of your future and I wasn’t a part of it, I know. You deserve better- you deserve more and It’s not me.” 

Silence.

Sitting on the swings, on the playground where everything started. I watch him walk towards his car, my heart breaks. Not knowing what the future holds is the worst. 

“You were my future.” I say to myself as I feel the playground bark dig into my knees. Holding my chest, reaching for air. 

What the hell am I supposed to do now…